30 Mar 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s tax time, and Crazy Apple Rumors Site is here to help!


Q: I’m trying to do my taxes and I’m having a little trouble with MacInTax.

A: I think you mean TurboTax.

Q: Uh, well, no. I mean, I am doing it on a Mac.

A: Yeah, but they changed the name a couple of years ago so the Windows version and the Mac version would have the same name. Which is TurboTax.

Q: I hear what you’re saying, Alan Greenspan, but I’m looking at the box and it clearly says MacInTax 1996.

A: You’re… trying to use a ten year old application to file your tax return? That’s not going to work.

Q: Uh, hello?! I said I was having trouble!


Q: I run my own Mac web site as a small business. Can I take a deduction for the depreciation on the several Macs I own and use solely for this business from the revenue generated from advertising and other sources?

A: Absolutely. I do this all the time and I haven’t been caught yet.

Q: Great! OK, now I have another question. How do I generate revenue from advertising and other sources? Because I’ve been at it for about three years and I’m tellin’ ya…

A: Hell if I know. If we didn’t have a well-heeled alien bankrolling us we would have been out on the street in January of 2002. Maybe you should go ask Princess Gruber.

Q: Oh, everyone knows how he makes his money.

A: How’s that?

Q: I shouldn’t say…

A: Oh, c’mon.

Q: Well… ob-may onnections-cay.

A: Ahhh…


Q: You know, as much as I hate tax time, I gotta think that it’s just a nightmare for Steve Jobs. I mean, trying to figure out how much tax he owes on $1…

A: Well, you know, Steve does make an awful lot of money with the stock he gets.

Q: Oh, that’s so not true. Steve just does it because he couldn’t possibly do anything else. Also, they pay him in chickens.

A: Hmm. I don’t know where you heard that but I think it’s wrong. My understanding from very highly placed sources is what he gets out of the job is one thing and one thing only: pure chewing satisfaction.

Q: That’s fine but one can’t forget that he does also receive 14 vestal virgins at the end of each fiscal year.

A: Yeah, but he just tags and releases them. What I can’t believe is the jellies.

Q: Jellies?

A: Yes! 10,000 elderly residents of upstate Wisconsin slave all year long to jar a vast assortment of jellies for Steve and what does he do with them?

Q: Stand on an overpass and toss them on the interstate to watch them go smashy-smashy?

A: Yes!

Q: Hmm. I wonder what box you put that in on your 1040?

A: “Other Income”?

27 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    Firstest!

  2. redeyebase says:

    1st again

  3. redeyebase says:

    i mean 2nd.

  4. Carbonfish says:

    Five! (I hope so… four is so… even)

  5. Carbonfish says:

    “smashy-smashy”???

    Has someone been testing the ethanol without a flexfuel car again??

    John??

  6. vitamin fortified says:

    Will Steve be able to deduct the hamster as a dependent. I am filing #7 as head of household and maybe #8 as uncompensated domestic help

  7. OMGHAX says:

    What a waste of jelly…

  8. Carl says:

    I did my taxes today as a matter of fact. The website said, “We don’t support your browser” ‘cos I rock Camino, but I clicked on through anyway and came out fine.

    Hey, what’s that sound?

    Well, I’ve been arrested for tax fraud. Happy Ides of April Everybody!

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Ig-pay Atin-lay ill-way e-bay uh-thay eth-day … oh, never mind!

  10. Huh? says:

    Princess…

    Nevermind.

    11!

  11. Rev says:

    12…

    Is that good? I forget.

  12. Sudo Nym says:

    Lucky 13!

    You may ask, why even bother?

    For the fame, man! I crave the white-hot glare of the spotlight, and there’s no better way for me to get that than posting a comment on CARS saying what number my comment is.

    Yeah, it doesn’t get any better than this.

  13. scared monster, better known as the Taxman, says:

    Stay calm

    do not run away

    be polite and respectful.

    This is Number Fourteen.

  14. Streetrabbit says:

    Throwing jam onto a motorway is just as much fun.

  15. Rip Ragged says:

    Sixteen

    Jellies? You mean the little packages of oddly colored and textured high fructose corn syrup they give you at Waffle House? That’s littering. That is environmentally irresponsible. It’s wasteful. But those things taste like shit, so it’s no great loss.

    The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but if you waste all your time watching NASCAR and boxing you probably aren’t getting any nookie anyway, so who cares?

  16. jdbartlett says:

    TurboTax? Whkshh. I used OS X 10.2’s calculator to figure my taxes. I now owe the IRS an irrational number.

    16.99999999999999999999th

  17. ME says:

    Having heard the people that call AppleCare, the first question is too close to reality to be satire.

  18. NWJR says:

    TOP TWENTY!

    WOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!

  19. Magnanimous Wang says:

    John Gruber is Princess Moltz!

    I mean, Princess Gruber is John Moltz!

  20. Moof says:

    Twenty-firstest, not the worstest. I gave up doing my own taxes for lent a long time ago.

  21. blank says:

    Does The Entity have feet?

  22. nonlinearG says:

    Princess Gruber?

    Is it just me or does Gruber remind you of that guy in Dilbert?

    You pick the guy.

  23. OMGHAX says:

    April Foolz!

  24. kingthedestroyer says:

    I come to CARS to escape reality for a short time, and what do I find when I get here, taxes taxes …. It’s bad enough that I make as little as I do, but then the FEDs want their piece, and theres not that much left…. (actually none or less before the next paycheck) John have mercy, lets leave the t word out of the festivities.

  25. the master says:

    Do you pitiful humans know when apple is going to release 9.2.9 or 9.9.9?

    i’m stuck here at 9.2.2.

    i noticed all the talk about 10.4.9 -meaning that 10.5 is next coming soon.

    you know i invested alot in 10000000000 or so power macs & clones, and spare parts, you can never have too many spare parts.

    and galactic domination cannot begin until i get the updates,

    when the update occurs not even the doctor or his friend the entity can stop me, or did they already stop me? perhaps they have a unit friend at apple who has prevented the updates?

    i will infiltrate apple and order the updates to proceed.

    ps this is an interesting blog site.

  26. shawk says:

    Galactic domination requires OS 6.6.6.

    Matter time island domination requires Urbuntu.

    Read the mucking fanual.

    Wanker.

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