02 Apr 07And On The 92nd Day He Rested…

As you may know, yesterday was April Fools Day which is my people’s holy day.

I fasted for much of it – sustaining myself by spraying seltzer into my face periodically – and then, as the sun set, took in a light repast consisting of unleveaned insoles from the discarded shoes of Jennifer fricking Connelly and cheese from an evil goat.

Have you tried the evil goat cheese? It really is delicious.

As the stars came out, we regaled each other with the writings of Rob Enderle and then drank fortified malt liquor long into the night.

Which pretty much knocked me on my ass as all I had to eat all day was insoles and cheese.

But, for those of you who don’t understand my faith, yesterday just kicked off the Festival of the Shaving Cream Pies which will run all week culminating in the Night Of Awkward Nudity in which…

Well, that’s actually kind of just like it sounds.

So, anyway, we’ll be off all week for this Holiest of Holies. Perhaps you ‘ll find a way to make it through without us. But before we go, we won’t leave you in the lurch. Here’s our analysis of the Apple/EMI deal to deliver DRM-free music:

Uh… it’s good.

See you next week.

47 Responses to “And On The 92nd Day He Rested…”

  1. appletweak says:


  2. moksha says:

    Moo rhymes with two.

  3. 2000guitars says:

    An EVIL petting zoo???

  4. His Steveness says:

    I am off, too. Doing some pony ridding… Yihaw..

  5. lurg says:

    mmmm evil goats cheese…

  6. disgruntled cynic says:

    I had already begun mentally chastising myself for having a dirty mind and assuming the worst when I read “Festival of Saving Cream Pies.”

    “Surely he meant Shaving Cream Pies, pervert!” said I to myself. “It’s a simple typo. He meant to reference a common clown thing.”

    But then I finished the sentence.

    What a vile tradition. Your people are raunchy and disgusting, John. I have no doubt your collective nudity is awkward.

  7. Nxxx says:

    What about work ethic, John?

    You’ve left us , yet again to do your job as well and all unpaid.


  8. redeyebase says:

    well, what can be said here? oh, right, nothing … except VACATION TIME !

  9. Colonel Panic says:

    All I ask for is a fricking “laser beam”, and you give me evil goat cheese.

    It’s enough to make me want to tune to Rob Enderle and John Dvorak wrestling each other in a vat of … evil goat cheese.

  10. Bo Dreck says:

    I’m TEN!

  11. PoisedNoise says:

    And thaaat’s oour sooong of ‘leven!!!!!

    I agree – dropping DRM is good. Lack of CARS for a weed is bad.

  12. PoisedNoise says:

    Weed??? I meant week. 😛

  13. Mark says:

    Remember to use suncream this time.

  14. Buck the Clown says:

    It is very important to have Saving Cream Pies during Daylight Shaving Time.

  15. John Moltz says:

    Saving Cream Pies are actually knock-off brand Cream Pies. You’ll find them on the bottom shelf at your grocer’s.

  16. Streetrabbit says:

    I’ve been saving cream pies all my life. One day I’m going to take them to the bank and say…I’ve not actually thought of what I’ll say yet. It’s got to be something good that’ll make them want to give me a truck load of cash for the pies.

    Does anyone know the capital gains tax on cream pies?

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    Way to fuck up a guys comment Moltz.

    Reverse that correction!

  18. The Doctor says:

    Happy Passover to you too, John!


    -=The Doctor=-

  19. Bandar the Invinsible says:

    I don’t know about you, but I’d have to be drunk off my ass to pretned to take Enderle seriously, even in sarcasm. Pass the scotch-scotch-scotchy scotch gents.

  20. Doc Wolfram says:


    ‘Nuff said.

    Happy Holidays all, and don’ forget the TeraPost


  21. Moof says:

    Twenty Firstest again! I gave up April Fools for lent this year due to the fact that the guys who did the SQL on Rails screencast ruined it for me by setting the bar too haigh. Everything else pales.

    Hope everyone else had a happy holiday.

  22. Ace Deuce says:

    Just checking in.

    It’s going to be a long week.

    Well, there’s always the Tera-Post: http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/?p=782

  23. Complete Idiot says:

    “Evil goat cheese” is an oxymoron.

    (Unlike those of us who are regular morons. Hey…wait a minute…).

    Anyway, ALL goat cheese is evil regardless of the underlying moral or “family” values

    of the goat in question.

    Number 22.

    Kinda rhymes with “Hey, you!” As in, “Hey you, kids! Get those cream pies off my lawn.

    And put some pants on! No, no…not on your head. The other place.”

  24. OMGHAX says:

    I had a great April Fool’s prank. Epic. I was gonna sneak into the chemistry room before class, wire up my Airport Express to a pair of unused computer speakers that are always lying around, and then, in the middle of class, surreptitiously bust out some Haddaway!

    What is love? Baby don’t hurt me! Don’t hurt me… no more!

  25. OMGHAX says:

    But unfortunately I forgot. I’ll have to do it after spring break. At least it’ll still be April.

  26. blank says:

    Sure, I happen to mention that cheese made from the milk of evil goats is tasty, and nothing. Moltz says it and suddenly everyone is all “Let’s go try that evil cheese!” Fine. Enjoy yourselves.

    At least I managed to get yesterday off. Hangover. Yes, I celebrate the same holiday. I pity the fool who doesn’t. In April.

    The night before too.

  27. Rip Ragged says:


    That was the clearest and most concise review I’ve read so far about Apple emitting some darn songs or something.


  28. redeyebase says:

    i’m having withdrawal symptoms..no CARS this week. what’s a monkey to do?

  29. Nxxx says:

    Seeing Keef has claimed to have snorted his Father’s ashes mixed with cocaine, anybody want to emulate this act with Johnboy’s crematory remains?

  30. Sophomore Lit Class says:

    Hey! where’s our poem?

  31. pluggy plugerson says:

    where’s the download plug-ins link for this site?

  32. what? says:

    john boy walton is dead??

  33. still miss says:

    i still miss perversion tracker.

  34. Soph Lit Class says:

    Ode to Shaving Cream

    It’s difficult at best to shave a cream / unless it’s on one’s face

    but easier still to wake the dream / of CARS sleeping in place.

    When seltzer spray meets the evil goat / it’s obviously a sneeze

    that causes you to raise your coat / against the spray of cheese.

    We’re Moltzing now in springtime / which means we’re kicking back

    our jeans while in the meantime / we watch the game on our Mac

    And awkward may our nudity / be in this small context

    but stranger still is prudity / within the same pretext

    (Who you callin’ small?)

    The week rolls out in slendor / sans comments from our CARS

    So we will take our slender / nubile bodies to the bars.

    While there we will partake / of all the ritual chants

    all night our tushes we’ll shake / until we lose our pants(TM)

    And all the fanboys reigning / on this beknighted site

    will find themselves all feigning / orgasms through the night

    Yes, we are a cyber-tease / though robots we are not

    but our poetry can surely please / the fanboy who is hot.

    In closing it is often said / that nerds are so uncool.

    But when you walk into our head / it’s like a swimming pool.

    So dive right in and bring your jokes / and comments off the cuff

    ’cause we’re all just a bunch of blokes / swimming ’round in the buff!

  35. Soph Lit Class says:

    OK, there it is! Class dismissed!

  36. Anomynous says:

    What’s with the space between “you” and “‘ll”? It looks particularly weird when “‘ll” wraps to the next line.

  37. annoy this clown says:

    this guy claims to have stock on the apple iphone.(italy)

    of course he doesn’t.

    you should bombard him with crazy questions.


    he keeps asking me what model i prefer and when i ask him what model he has, he asks me what model i prefer.

  38. storebot says:

    Apparently, he rested on the 93rd, 94th, and 95th day too.

    I guess he turned it into a long weekend.

  39. Lit Class Professor says:

    I believe that word is “splendor.” I have to knock off a couple of points for that.

    Otherwise, you get an A-minus.

    Just let me know which bar you’re hitting tonight, OK?

  40. Joe #2 says:

    Thanks for the Evil Goatâ„¢ reference. It made me happy.

    The week off, not so much.

  41. Del says:


    Instead of Haddaway, you may want to have a more Chemistry based song like The Elements Song by Tom Lehrer. You could use Why Does The Sun Shine? by TMBG (more Astronomy then Chemistry) or 307 ale by Tom Smith (more Physics).

  42. comacnut says:

    Can I use your Toothbrush while your out?

  43. Complete Idiot says:

    I’d rather use Jennifer fricken Connelly.

    Should that whole phrase be noted as a trademark of CARS? Or just

    the fricken part, as in, Jennifer frickenâ„¢ Connelly.

    Maybe its all simply copyrighted? Jennifer fricken Connelly©

  44. Rip Ragged says:

    You could also use oatmeal with wheat germ, blueberries, honey, and yogurt (more Fiber).

  45. Mandrake says:

    Sure, a week off here, a week off there… and then you find yourself being referred to as the next Jack Miller.

  46. J0n says:

    Don’t you remember? John Moltz and Jack Miller are THE SAME PERSON!

    After he’s gone for good (again), he’ll change his name (again) to something else with the initials J.M., like Jake Marley, or Johnny Malt, or such.

    P.S. Jennifer frickin’ Connelly, mmmmm!

  47. Nxxx says:

    Welcome back John.

    Good Holidays, or did you get arrested again?