Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, we help you through the deep personal hurting you feel over the Leopard delay.

Because you people need a lot of help.


Q: AAAAAAAAAGH!

A: Dude, calm down.

Q: AAAAAAAAAGH! AH! AHHHHHHH!

A: DUDE!

Q: WHAT?!

A: Calm. Down.

Q: No, YOU calm down! My whole world view is crashing down around me and you don’t want me to panic? Well, when should I panic? Huh?! Evolution gave me the panic instinct for a reason, right?! So, if I’m not gonna use it now, when the hell am I going to use it, Charles Darwin?!

A: C’mon. It’s not exactly like you’re being chased by a bear.

Q: No. It’s like I’m being chased by a leopard and… and… it’s really slow… so slow that I’m lapping it and… and… and… AND WHY WON’T YOU LET ME HAVE THIS?

A: OK. OK. Fine. Enjoy your freak-out.

UGLUK: Ugluk hear someone chased by bear?

A: Oh, man, you do not want to get in on this.

Q: AAAAAAAAAGH!

A: Heeeere we go again…


Q: Hey, I don’t know about anyone else, man, but I’m totally not worried about this. It’s all part of the plan!

A: The plan?

Q: Oh, yeah, man. See, Apple’s just saying that Leopard’s delayed until October! It’s coming out next week!

A: Uh… next week?

Q: Totally! I read on Think Secret it’s almost done!

A: Um, dude…

Q: They just need to put some final touches on it. See, while Mac users are freaking out about the “delay”, they’ll be too busy wallowing in despair to call Apple support or go out and buy stuff at the Apple Store. So Apple’s going to redirect the support people and sales staff to finish Leopard!

A: That makes absolutely no sense at all. How the hell are sales staff going to help finish Leopard?

Q: Uh, well they can, um, put the semicolons in. Pretty much any kind of monkey can type in semicolons.

A: Dude, this is an operating system they’re putting together. It’s not like a barn raising.

Q: Yes, it is! Leopard is coming! You’ll see! You’ll see!

A: You need to seek professional help.

Q: What… you mean more?


Q: Um… I’ve been up all night sobbing quietly to myself. And… I just want to know one thing.

A: Uh… yeah?

Q: Is it… is it… going to be OK?

A: Huh?

Q: Are we… are we all going to be OK?

A: Uhhh… you mean until October?

Q: …

A: …

Q: OK, well, it just sounds silly when you say it like that.

25 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Brilliant, John.

    Now I’ve read it 11 out of 10.

    BTW we have leopards in London Zoo but they are a bit big to fit through the disc slot.

    Any ideas?

  2. Personally, I don’t even want Leopard anymore.

    It’ll probably be all rotten, like Vista. Who wants that?

    Pfffft — I wouldn’t want Leopard if it was available yesterday and free.

    I was glad when I heard Leopard wouldn’t be coming out until October. Positively ecstatic! That’s right. That means I’m still on the cutting edge here with Tiger. Ah, wonderful, wonderful Tiger… there’s no way Apple could improve on Tiger. I’ll bet, when October is almost here, they announce that Leopard will be delayed until 2008 at the earliest. I’ll be really happy then, because that means more time with Tiger. 10.4 — good buddy.

  3. Leopard. Why are they always naming them after big cats anyway? Why cats? Why not mountains or frigging planets?

    How about OS X Big Pussy? That would be a great name.

    shut up.

  4. OS X Big Pussy was dropped by Steve long ago. It sleeps now with the fishes.

  5. Even McFloodpants can’t compete with OS X Big Pussy softwear. Finally a breakthrouth on the Vista/Zune stronghold.

    They say viruses will be a major concern. Norton is getting its Penicillin Edition ready.

  6. Given our current hysterical, conservative political environment, Apple execs. realized that they had to blame this delay on the iPhone. If the true reason for the delay were revealed–last-minute tweaking of lesbian ninja sex-bot support–the fundies would be all over Apple like a bad rash.

  7. I’m willing to wait while Apple gets the little details just right. Because the baby Jebus is in the details.

  8. I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO LEOPARD, NOW IT WILL BE INTERESTING TO LOOK FORWARD TO LEOPARD FOR A LONGER TIME.

    STUDIES HAVE SHOWN PEOPLE LOOKING FORWARD TO SOMETING LONGER THAN ORIGINALLY ANTICIPATED LIVED LONGER HEALTHIER LIVES.

    IN THIS CASE I CAN SEE WHERE THAT WOULD BE TRUE. BECAUSE INSTEAD OF STAYING INSIDE ON THE COMPUTER, LEARNING NEW OS, ONE MAY ACTUALLY GET OUT & ABOUT, YOU KNOW “EXERCISE”, EATING BETTER, LESS WANKING BETTER HYGENE DOING LAUNDRY. ETC

  9. Delayed? My arse. I see that Leopard right now. It’s outside my window. Staring at me. The neighbours say they can’t see it, but what do they know?

    At night I hear it. Going through my garbage. Eating my takeaway chinese and anything with anchovies. Violating my attempts at organised recycling. Mocking me.

    It sings too, sometimes. Taunts me. Songs of beauty and cruelty.

    Owwwwwwwwwwwwww. Oooooooowwwwwwwww.

    It waits. Watches. Hides until exactly those times that I stop taking the tablets in the yellow bottle. Then it returns. Smiling. Ice cold cruelty with fur and large canines. And a cigar. One time it had a cigar – but I think that was just to mess with my head.

    Am I just suffering from early adopter problems? Should I have waited for the first bug fixes to be delivered? Who knows. Only he knows. His eyes, deadly. Inscrutable. Unfeeling.

    Sod this. I’m getting Vista. And a shotgun.

  10. Hey, I’m going down to Supplicants ‘R’ Us to stock up on sackcloth and ashes. Anybody wanna come with?

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