01 Aug 07Another iPhone Battery Lawsuit Filed.

While the iPhone’s battery is likely to last long enough that few will ever find need to replace it, a third-party vendor has filled the small gap in Apple’s product offering by announcing an iPhone battery replacement kit. While most iPhone owners welcomed the move, at least one was not so pleased.

According to sources, the kit’s Hong Kong manufacturer, Brando, was immediately sued by Jose Trujillo, the instigator of a class-action lawsuit over the iPhone’s non-user-replaceable battery.

“Brando has recklessly and irreparably damaged my client’s case against Apple,” said Trujillo’s attorney, Laura Kremer.

“We can’t very well walk into a court of law and ask for millions in compensation for the pain and suffering caused by Apple’s non-user-replaceable iPhone battery when the defense can have our case immediately thrown out by just holding up one of Brando’s reasonably priced iPhone battery replacement kits.

“I mean, duh.”

To that end, Trujillo is seeking an injunction on the sale of Brando’s kit as well as $75 million in damages.

“While we don’t know exactly how much we would have won from Apple,” Kremer said, “We picked $75 million because it just felt right.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, citing its long-standing policy of not commenting on lawsuits filed by jackasses.

22 Responses to “Another iPhone Battery Lawsuit Filed.”

  1. Sudo Nym says:

    My iPhone battery is hooked up to my implanted defibrillator. That’s one less stupid hunk of electronics I have to haul around with me. But now, every time I get a call, I get defibrillated. Which is not as much fun as you might think.

  2. Don of Doom says:

    Two!!! WOW!!!!

  3. Ace Deuce says:

    One time…at band camp…we fixed an iPhone that had a dead battery by making a battery out of a potato. It won second place at the science fair too.

  4. Necco Pez says:


  5. Eponymous says:


  6. Nxxx says:

    What’s wrong with a bicycle and dynamo.

    Yes, you would need large pockets but…………..

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    The top prize at that science fair went to a battery made out of an automotive battery that had decorative pasta glued to the outside of the casing, with pink and blue sequins festooning the positive and negative terminals, respectively. The judges were too easily swayed by glitz; otherwise our potato battery would have won easily.

  8. redeyebase says:

    Ah ha .. slow night? vacations?

  9. buthidae says:

    Lucky 8

    I replaced the batteries in my cat, but I can’t work out how to properly dispose of the original ones…

  10. buthidae says:

    Damn you, redeyebase! You shall rue this day!

    Well, probably not. Me, I should be at work, but I’ve pulled a sickie

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    Third prize went to Poindexter’s cold fusion power generation display, which amazingly worked, providing continuous power for a GameBoy. The judges weren’t very impressed however, as it wasn’t that cold…more like room-temperature.

  12. Carbonfish says:

    While this offering was humorous, it had the faintest whiff of “news” about it.

    I don’t want to read anything that even slightly resembles news. I come here for rumors… RUMORS!

    Not faux news… faux rumors. Let’s concentrate on the mission statement shall we?

  13. Chris says:

    “I’ll think I’ll write my congressman and tell him to pass a bill
    For the next time they catch somebody startin’ rumors, shoot to kill
    Look at all these rumors surroundin’ me every day
    I just need some time, some time to get away…………………………”

    On a semi serious note, does anyone else find it funny that this post references jackasses, and that Gruber uses the word jackasses all the time? Moltz may not equal Gruber, but maybe Ugluk is really Gruber is disguise?

  14. Fake Paul says:

    Fake Gruber is fake Moltz writing as Ugluk with help from Andy Ihnatko in disguise. Obviously.

  15. blank says:

    I’ve suspected for quite some time that Gruber is really Thor. Ever notice how each of them is always surrounded by a cadre of flight attendants, or that you never see both of them in the same room at the same time?

    Nah, just kidding. I only wanted an excuse to use the word “cadre” in a post.


  16. nonlinearG says:

    Employees of a burger chain are specifically prohibited from making potato batteries to keep the hedge funds from taking positions in potato futures.

    It seems they know all of the “ins and outs,” the burger chain that is.

  17. J0n says:

    “…lawsuits filed by jackasses.”

    What do you have against jackasses, equating them with the people who file lawsuits like these?

  18. BIG AL says:

    Laura Kremer is about as stupid as cheese. At least cheese is good for something. This is a perfect example of the American Justice System being misuse.

    So she is going to sue Brando because they invented something useful. With Apple’s blessing too cause Apple doesn’t let just anyone sell third party gear for their stuff without them knowing.

    Laura Kremer, be a good lawyer and retire. Plus, if anyone bought a iphone with a rechargeable battery and has burn it out in a months time…has no business owning an iphone.

  19. John Moltz says:

    Oh, holy hell, it’s a joke!

    Fuck, I should know better than use the names of actual friends who are lawyers.

  20. blank says:

    Welcome back, we missed you! See what happens if you’re away too long.

  21. Rip Ragged says:

    Excuse me. I didn’t come here for jokes. I came here because somebody told me you make your margaritas with real key limes and Cuervo 1800. Oops. Wait. This isn’t a burrito bar.

    Can I get a lunch menu?

  22. Walking Contradiction says:

    Q – What do you call a thousand lawyers buried up to their foreheads?

    A – A good start!

    I know, I know, that joke is older than dirt. But it’s still funny and seemed appropriate.

    Move along now … nothing to see here …