Everybody Totally Wrong About New iMacs.

Many irresponsible sources have been spreading a lot of erroneous information about the iMacs to be announced next Tuesday and Crazy Apple Rumors Site would like to set the record straight.

For starters, contrary to popular belief, they will not be aluminum and they will not feature thin, laptop-style keyboards. Clearly people referencing these specs have simply been having feverish dreams after using their MacBook Pros.

Some have stated as fact that these iMacs will feature Apple’s patented pudding over IP technology. This is false. It’s absurd. Preposterous. Everyone knows pudding over IP will appear first in the new Mac Pros that will be announced at Macworld.

Furthermore, several sites have reported that the 2007 iMacs will be hand-crafted by Nepalese virgins from the finest sandalwood. Wrong. That’s the iPhone rev. 2.

Finally, there’s absolutely no truth to the rumors that when Steve Jobs unveils them, the new iMacs will be covered in a protoplasmic ooze that is a by-product of the process by which new Apple products are born from his body.

They’re totally going to clean that stuff off before Tuesday’s event.


Like they’d leave Steve goop all over them.

As if.

43 thoughts on “Everybody Totally Wrong About New iMacs.”

  1. ewwwww … ‘Steve goop’

    disgusting, utterly dis-gusting,

    could be worse though…

    just imagine…

    Microsoft and brown Balmer glop.

  2. I’m definitely in the top fifteen or so.

    I really had my hopes all fixed up for an iMac with a black bakelite shell and a mechanical Underwood keyboard with round black keys and an inch and a half of travel per keystroke.

    Also I was hoping for a line of microbrews. There is just something magical about the thought of an iPA.

    Going to bed now.

  3. Since I signed a non-dislosure agreement, I can’t comment.

    About anything.

    Probably should have read it before signing.

  4. 11 awesome facts about Macs:

    1. I got eleventh post.

    2. … I’ve already lost interest in writing more facts.

    11. 11th post rocks.

  5. 1. Do you have *any* idea how hard it is to scroll down in search of your, it is to laugh, Archives?

    2. Yet again: YUCK-o. Am I your only female reader. Ans: undoubtedly.

  6. Oh no. You’re all completely wrong.

    Since this special Apple announcement is on my birthday (the only true thing you might ever read on CARS), His Steveness will announce that Apple is giving me a pony. Or a Lesbian Ninja Sexbot. The rest of you get nothing. Well, except for cake over IP (it’s a little less messy than pudding).

  7. Do you think pudding over IP will be a hidden feature in the new iMacs that will be revealed only after it’s introduced in the pro machines at Mac World?

  8. When Apple releases coffee over IP (coIP) that’s when I sit up and take notice. Really, it is when I wake up and take coIP.

    I hear coIP 2.0 will have cappuccino.

    Tulips are hard on my sneakers. Back to sleep with dreams of coIP.

  9. Sorry Zo, but I once shared the same mistaken assumption. Haven’t seen Del in the forum much lately, but I bet she’s still here, lurking, waiting for the right time to post.

    Mention the Ninja Kitties–that could do it.

    Oh, I just did, didn’t I?

  10. #28! yippee! let me tell you all exactly what is occurring to me at this precise moment, as though anyone remotely cared, and let me be obscure, and odd, and pointless! weee!!

  11. Hmm…

    I better stop dunking my cake in coffee then. At least until they come out with a patch.

  12. My brown glop could get a Harvard education compared to Steve glop. Well, maybe it would drop out. But then, isn’t that what brown glop does?

    Hahahaha! I’ll brown glop you all! My first movement was the Zune. Wait until you see my second effort!

  13. Whoa! blank is non-male?!?! We have THREE females in our midst?

    That puts my odds at … about… Damn double-knotted shoelaces … around 177 to 3.

    Woo-hoo! I could get lucky!

    And my friends told me this place was a “sausage-fest”. Shows what they know.

  14. dear blank, see #35 … understandable mistake.

    okay, how about, over 14 yrs old?

    ha, i thought so. sausage on the brain.

  15. No, I made the mistake of assuming Del was, is all I’m sayin’. Got set right on that real quick.

  16. Arcsine threw this profane thought to the masses:

    just imagine…
    Microsoft and brown Balmer glop.

    Oh my god, I’m going to throw up …

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