Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I saw the Stevenote and I’m a little confused about something. Is it a “fat” nano or a “phat” nano?
A: Oh, it’s phat. It’s totally phat. It’s phatty phat phat.
Q: Hmm. Well, see, that’s what I thought and then someone said “No, you dumbass! It’s ‘fat’ because it’s wide!” And then, um, I cried.
A: That’s so not cool.
Q: What, me crying?
A: Well, actually, yeah, that’s not cool either. But what I was talking about was people saying it’s fat. It’s not fat.
Q: No! It’s not! I mean, the screen puts on 10 pounds.
A: That 2 inch screen?
Q: Uh, no, I mean it being on the computer screen.
A: Oh, right.
Q: And some of it’s those accessories.
Q: Oh, totally. That USB cable really makes its bottom look fat. But it’s not.
A: No. And you know what really is fat? That iPod touch. It’s actually .3 inches wider. It just pulls it off because it’s taller.
Q: Yeah. That bitch.
Q: You know there was a big uproar when Apple changed its name and dropped “Computer”, but I think these announcements this week really show that it’s changed its focus. I think dropping “Computer” didn’t go far enough. I think it should completely change its name.
A: Oh. Well, what do you think Apple should change its name to?
Q: Um, I dunno. How about “Steve Jobs’ Crap Factory”?
A: Hmm. That’s not bad. But I was thinking of “Shit You Don’t Need, Inc.”
Q: Nice. Direct and to the point. But let me float another one. “Buy It, Monkey!” How about that?
A: Hmm. A little aggressive.
Q: Really? In what sense?
A: Uh… the aggressive sense.
Q: Ohhh. That sense.
Q: Oh, man, I just watched the video of the keynote and the new iPods are awesome!
A: Yeah, they really are impressive. Like that iPod touch and the new nano. They’re awesome.
Q: What about the shuffle?! It’s got video now!
A: It doesn’t have video. The nano just got video.
Q: What? No! The nano always had video! And the classic, man that is boss!
A: Yeah, 160 GB…
Q: Dude, you are so off-base. It’s 160 terabytes. Sheesh. Heh-heh. And you run a rumor site.
A: You wouldn’t have been watching that keynote while enjoying any recreational hallucinogens would you?
Q: What? No! Just beer.
Q: Oh. And heroin.
Q: Oh, what, is there something wrong with being addicted to heroin? Mother?
A: Uh, actually, yeah.
Q: Oh. Well, that’s a bite because… you know… I’m addicted.