07 Sep 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: I saw the Stevenote and I’m a little confused about something. Is it a “fat” nano or a “phat” nano?

A: Oh, it’s phat. It’s totally phat. It’s phatty phat phat.

Q: Hmm. Well, see, that’s what I thought and then someone said “No, you dumbass! It’s ‘fat’ because it’s wide!” And then, um, I cried.

A: That’s so not cool.

Q: What, me crying?

A: Well, actually, yeah, that’s not cool either. But what I was talking about was people saying it’s fat. It’s not fat.

Q: No! It’s not! I mean, the screen puts on 10 pounds.

A: That 2 inch screen?

Q: Uh, no, I mean it being on the computer screen.

A: Oh, right.

Q: And some of it’s those accessories.

Q: Oh, totally. That USB cable really makes its bottom look fat. But it’s not.

A: No. And you know what really is fat? That iPod touch. It’s actually .3 inches wider. It just pulls it off because it’s taller.

Q: Yeah. That bitch.
________________

Q: You know there was a big uproar when Apple changed its name and dropped “Computer”, but I think these announcements this week really show that it’s changed its focus. I think dropping “Computer” didn’t go far enough. I think it should completely change its name.

A: Oh. Well, what do you think Apple should change its name to?

Q: Um, I dunno. How about “Steve Jobs’ Crap Factory”?

A: Hmm. That’s not bad. But I was thinking of “Shit You Don’t Need, Inc.”

Q: Nice. Direct and to the point. But let me float another one. “Buy It, Monkey!” How about that?

A: Hmm. A little aggressive.

Q: Really? In what sense?

A: Uh… the aggressive sense.

Q: Ohhh. That sense.
________________

Q: Oh, man, I just watched the video of the keynote and the new iPods are awesome!

A: Yeah, they really are impressive. Like that iPod touch and the new nano. They’re awesome.

Q: What about the shuffle?! It’s got video now!

A: It doesn’t have video. The nano just got video.

Q: What? No! The nano always had video! And the classic, man that is boss!

A: Yeah, 160 GB…

Q: Dude, you are so off-base. It’s 160 terabytes. Sheesh. Heh-heh. And you run a rumor site.

A: You wouldn’t have been watching that keynote while enjoying any recreational hallucinogens would you?

Q: What? No! Just beer.

A: OK.

Q: Oh. And heroin.

A:

Q: Oh, what, is there something wrong with being addicted to heroin? Mother?

A: Uh, actually, yeah.

Q: Oh. Well, that’s a bite because… you know… I’m addicted.

A: Uh-huh.

36 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. Nxxx says:

    And now I’ve read it

    THE BEST HELP DESK EVER JOHN.

  2. comacnut says:

    I like mushrooms in my soup.

  3. Carbonfish says:

    Six or seven. Now I can go back up and read the best damn Help Desk of the week.

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    The new Nano is perfect for Gumby and Pokey. And Pee Wee Herman.

  5. Jake says:

    without question the best help desk yet, keep it up!

  6. Gag Halfrunt says:

    Last, bitches!

  7. Huh? says:

    Does this post make me look fat?

    I can’t tell from here, and my Pants™ just lie to me about it…

  8. Piggy says:

    not so fast dude

    LAAST

  9. His Steveness says:

    Another suggestion for an new Apple Name SPREE:
    “Steve’s Pony Riding Experience Enhanced”

  10. Sudo Nym says:

    “Buy It, Monkey!” would work, I’m telling you…

    “Apple” just makes me hungry, and nostalgic for the Beatles.

  11. e says:

    everything’s funnier when smack junkies are invovled.

  12. Cap'n Groucho says:

    New iPods? What new iPods?

  13. scared monster, better known as The Amateur d'Art, says:

    And exactly what is that thing you call iPod, anyway ?
    Something to do with H. G. Wells iWar Of The iWorlds ?

  14. Huh? says:

    H.G. who?

  15. Garrett says:

    Author of the “War of the Worlds” H. G. Wells, that’s who. Made famous by Orson Wells’ radio show depiction which caused panic and chaos because people thought it was a real news broadcast and didn’t know it was merely a hoax or portrayal of the story by H. G. Wells.

  16. blank says:

    I ordered an iPod touch since it’s taking them so long to ship the sexbots. Touch is a good start, and maybe, with time, it’ll grow up to be a sexbot.

    That could happen, right?

  17. Patrick says:

    Garrett (18), H.G. Wells was famous long before Orson Wells invented him.

  18. nonlinearG says:

    Nothing to do with H G.

    It was the movie “The Body Snatchers” that had the original “touch” iPod.

    It could be a real problem for you if a uPod was present when you went to sleep.

    Where is your uPod tonight?

  19. Rip Ragged says:

    I feel sorry for addicts. If you could control it you could just mainline a little junk on the weekends and be fine, like us recreational users.

  20. Streetrabbit says:

    A few years ago I had a serious weed problem. I tried to hide it but anyone who came to my house and saw my lawn knew something wasn’t right. Friends tried to help me, coming round with their trimmers, but I turned them away, I was too proud.

    Then I discovered new Roundup® Weed and Grass Killer and my life turned around.

    Now I spend Sunday afternoons rolling in the couch rather than lying on it.

  21. Zo says:

    I just want you to know, Nyxxx, I am on to you.

    Duh.

  22. Loose Leaf says:

    blank, try adding some Miracle-Gro®. I’d go with the indoor plant formula my self. My 30 Gig is now up to a 60 Gig. I think its starting to grow second click wheel.

    If unwanted features start growing on your iPod, see if you can borrow some of Streetrabbit’s Roundup®

  23. redeyebase says:

    all i want is my 2 front teeth … and a phat nano.

  24. Nxxx says:

    Red,
    Something I never understood about that song.
    Why did they only want their two front teeth for the Twelve Days of Christmas?

  25. kingthedestroyer says:

    Nxxx, two front teeth greatly enhances the biting and chewing experience of the partridge and the pears found in the day one tree.è

  26. mykl says:

    No, you’re not.

    “And the last shall be first”

    FIRST POST!

  27. Anomynous says:

    Zeroth Post.

    THBPPPT!

  28. Walking Contradiction says:

    I see I’m not the only one who see’s the iPod Touch as a pre-adolescent sexbot. Unfortunately since it’s so young, you can’t … uh … “touch” it. Child molestation is just so wrong. The question is can you wait for it to grow up, or will you have to give it up for adoption?

  29. monkeys says:

    Buying it.

  30. Rip Ragged says:

    Last post.

    Neener.
    Neener.
    Neener.

  31. Ace Deuce says:

    Neenest post.

  32. kingthedestroyer says:

    Last post again!!!è

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