Apple To Bid On Important Public Property.

Reports surfaced today indicating that Apple was set to bid for a portion of the wireless spectrum, opening up vast possibilities for the company in the cell phone and entertainment fields.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that while Apple is mildly interested in the wireless spectrum, it also has its eyes set on a bigger prize.

According to sources in the field of quantum mechanics who declined to be identified out of fear of reprisals that could affect their very existence, Apple is planning to bid on a vast portion of reality. No longer content with simply distorting reality, Apple CEO Steve Jobs will lease it from the Throngdarian Serium, the extra-dimensional pulsating brains in a vat of fluid that manage realities.

Apple senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “This means that instead of temporarily distorting reality by using the device he, uh, appropriated from Woz years ago, Steve will be able to change it completely. Instead of customers thinking iPod socks or the Dalmatian iMac are cute for just the 15 minutes that it takes to complete the purchase, they will actually be cute from the dawn of time to the end of the universe.

“But don’t worry. We totally won’t use this power for evil. Well, unless you consider our continued accumulation of personal wealth and increasing power and unchecked influence to be evil. And, uh, if you do… well… too bad.”

It’s unknown exactly why the Throngdarian Serium are interested in leasing portions of reality for material currency, but it’s thought that they just think it’s funny.

“They particularly like the little pictures of the presidents,” a source said. “And, of course, that creepy pyramid and eye thingy.”

If Apple is successful in its bid, it will need to install several Tesla devices that shoot electricity from giant glowing orbs. Sources indicate this is what Apple is constructing in preparation on its new Cupertino campus.

That and a duck pond. Because Jobs likes ducks.

33 thoughts on “Apple To Bid On Important Public Property.”

  1. can we buy back some of the reality those damn Illuminati stole from us. Damn them and there crazy Eye pyramids!!! damn them and their unchecked influence on the world events. Apple needs to be in charge…. its the only hope we have against the evil empire of bankers seeking to destroy our society.

    and umm 10 if I can rant faster then someone else can type….

  2. It’s a fake.
    Or Mr. Jobs has been conned. (And THAT is unbelievable)
    Reality simply doesn’t exist, as you use the word “exist”. It has another kind of…
    How to explain…
    It’s a twist of…
    Trust me.
    It would be too expensive.

  3. I really look forward to loads and loads of posting along the line of “Ponies! Pants!! Ducks!!!” in the near future. Maybe Moltz will come up with another humorous word next week and it might get even funnier(!).

  4. SMOCK!!!



    I’m just saying…

  5. I kind of thought the Dalmation iMac was a good choice. Well, now that you mention it, yes it *was* sitting right next to a Flower Power iMac and evil incarnate, why do you ask?

  6. Pop quiz! Which president is on the 100 quatloo bill?

    Wrong answer! Thanks for playing, better luck next time!

    The brains in a tank know.

  7. Maybe Moltz should ask the Throngdarian Serium where to find the Entity. Or maybe the fact that Moltz even knows about the Throngdarian Serium means that the Entity is back!


  8. [T]he Throngdarian Serium, the extra-dimensional pulsating brains in a vat of fluid that manage realities.

    You mean someone else is responsible for this mess I call reality? Sweet! I’m suing!

    The rubber duckie iMac never had a chance. Too bad. Now they’re all being retired to a pond at the Cupertino campus? That’s sweet isn’t it?

  9. Okay, that Throngdarian Serium, they sound like the overlords I’ve been waiting to welcome.

    But I’ve decide to go with the Thongdarium Serium. I like thongs better than throngs. Especially on Jessica Alba.

  10. So I read the story, googled Throngdarian and the only hit was this story. So I read the story,googled Throngdarian and the only hit was this story. So I

  11. So, if the Throngdarian Serium are only interested in the money for its intrinsic value as satire and bad photo-realistic art, does that preclude the establishment of a small museum dedicated to peanut butter and 19th century women’s undergarments?

    I’m just trying to develop some idea about how to function in an alternate reality.

    Will there be beer? Cheez-Its? Chocolate-cake-chocolate-covered doughnuts?

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