iPod Killer Coming Tomorrow! No, Really!

Devastating news reached the Apple world today as reports indicate that Microsoft will announce its “iPod killer” tomorrow.


Dubbed the Zune 2, the Revenge, the first update to the Zune line will feature, uh…

Flash memory.

Looks like.

“The 2 in ‘Zune 2’ is not sequential,” said blogger Robert Scoble. “It’s exponential! It’s like Zune squared! Which means Zune to the max. Maximum Zunage. Zunalicious. Zune-a-roonie. iPod killah.

“Or not. Whatever. Frankly, I’m kinda sick of this crap. I mean, they don’t even pay me anymore. I don’t know why I keep pimping their junk like some, um, pimp. An unpaid pimp.”

Analysts indicated that Microsoft’s ability to go from hard-drive to flash-based technology in just a year shows what an iPod killer the Zune 2, 3, 4, etc. are and will be forever and ever.

“An imaginary friend of mine told me that the Zunes 2 through 45 are certified iPod killers,” said John C. Dvorak. “They even have little stickers on them that say ‘Certified iPod Killer’, so you know it’s true.”

Microsoft is expected to announce its long-term commitment to the Zune platform as well as to the existence of fairies and elves.

The company will also be announcing its own line of accessories. Microsoft said it asked several third parties to make Zune accessories, but they explained they didn’t have the time because they had to wash their hair and then their shows were coming on.

33 thoughts on “iPod Killer Coming Tomorrow! No, Really!”

  1. I sell the only true iPod Killer.

    It’s a bloody great hammer, works on Zunes, Dells even people reluctant to accept your viewpoint.

  2. If they really wanted to sell these things, they’d come out with a Zune: Master Chief Edition.

    Laugh if you must, but you can’t deny its truthiness.

  3. OMG! I actually spelt Zune incorrectly – Please forgive me Moltz! Such an impression the product has made on me! Ha!

  4. “Zoon” would be better. Then it would be a play on “Zoom” rather than “Tune”.

    Of course, either way it would still suck.

  5. I am sooo excited by this. Is it Tuesday yet? When’s it gonna be Tuesday?

    note – Seemed such a shame to waste the name I typed for Friday’s crappy post. – ed

  6. Square Zune ?
    And does the Square Brown Color exist ?
    Is it Square sticky ? Smelly ?
    Can it be bricked ?

  7. Forget the iPod killer; CB thinks Carbonfish is wretched.

    Why? Because he lives in Clackamas County? What do people in the southern hemisphere have against us Clackamas County inmates? Is it the incessant questioning? The defensiveness? The blood rushing to their heads? Our ability to post comments in the top five at will? Am I wrong? Are you getting annoyed yet? Have I fomented an inter-hemispherical conflict? Does Streetrabbit really want to diss the Zune? Have I overstayed my welcome? What? I wasn’t welcome in the first place?

    Well adiosayonara then.

  8. Can’t be any good. After all, if it were any good, people would be suing Microsoft for $1 M for releasing a new, improved Zune before they sold the old one on eBay.

  9. zune squared is not exponential, it is polynomial; 2^zune would be exponential. polynomial is no big deal.

  10. “They even have little stickers on them that say ‘Certified iPod Killer’, so you know it’s true.”

    Best Dvorak quote ever, real or fake.

  11. I hear the iPod, uh, I mean Zune Limited Edition comes with a +8 vorpal sword capable of piercing any iPod armor and inflicting sustaining damage for at least 12 rounds! Dungeon Master Balmer said so.

  12. How about some live coverage of the Zune 2’s release? Snippets will include

    …Zune Touch will be available in 3 colors: swamp green, old banana brown, and another Halo edition: Master Chief Mustard…

    …Gasp! Revolutionary new control/interface system! The squircle! It’s just like directional buttons, but shaped very differently. Man, those Mac fanbois are finally gunna have to shut up about their lame uninventive “clickwheel”…

    …omigosh! A new DRM! A brand new DRM! Apparently, neither PlaysForSure nor WMDRM are supported by the new device, but the new DRM ROCKS!..

    …AM radio! At last! It has an AM radio built into it!…


  13. Nxxx, I’ll take 5 hammers and a large fry.

    Will the Zune^2 be small enough to flush down the toilet. The old one was just a bit too big. Made a real mess trying to flush that sucker.

  14. Thanks, now I feel like I’m gonna puke. For a year. Non-stop. Not a happy feeling at all.

    I think I saw a zune in the wild, it was sitting in the bottom of my toilet after I did my business one morning.

  15. But no announcement!
    I think there was a bug in it’s killer routines and it accidently killed itself.

    Zune 1 forever! 30Gig brown heaven. Like640K of memory, how could you possibly need more?

  16. A important detail has been overlooked: the new Zunes won’t be compatible with any accessories on the market or the previous generation file format, so you Zune owners (all of you 12 people) will have to pay again for all your old songs if you want them on the new Zune.

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