28 Sep 07No Help Desk

We were totally going to do a Help Desk today, but all the questions were from jackasses who had hacked their iPhones and then bricked them with the 1.1.1 update. And I’m sick of their whiny asses bitching and moaning about how Steve Jobs broke their already busted-ass iPhones.

So, for all you morons who tried to update your jacked up iPhones that you screwed up despite Uncle Steve’s clear instructions not to fuck with them because you were messing with powers beyond mortal ken

Eat it.

You heard me. Lick my area. You’re on your own, suckers.

And I totally know how to fix them, too, so you should know that I’m just holding back this information because you’re the reason we can’t have nice things.

Oh, yes I do. I do know how to fix them. Totally.

What?

No, I said I’m not telling you. What part of “lick my area” don’t you understand?

No way.

Fuck you.

No, don’t be an idiot. You’re not going to fix it like that.

Well, that’s fine, then. Go ahead and try that, princess, and tell me how well that works. You’ll brick your iPhone even worse and you’ll never get it back.

[sigh]

OK. OK. Stop crying. Stop. Just stop it.

Fricking baby.

Look, you just hold down the home button, stick a #2 pencil in the ear phone jack, hold it up in the air and say three times “ALLA-WOZ-A-NEWTON!” And then yell “PERFORMA!”

Oh, and cut a goat right before you yell “PERFORMA!” Preferably a white one.

And then hold the power switch down and it’ll restart. And go wash your hands because… goat blood… icky.

Totally. That will totally work. I think I got it off the Ars Technica forums.

32 Responses to “No Help Desk”

  1. Brian says:

    First…
    gotta go find a goat dammit

  2. Brian says:

    Does it have to be a white goat?
    And when you say cut it – do you mean kill it. Cause that’s gonna leave a disposal problem

  3. Walking Contradiction says:

    OMG … #3!

  4. Ventzi says:

    The question in the blog post is semantically vacuous, so no Help Desk can help me answer it…

    …but I still know that I’m 4th!

    meow

  5. Walking Contradiction says:

    I just had to do that, I’ve never made top 5 before.

    Virgin goats work best, that covers the “sacrificial goat” AND the “sacrificial virgin” territories. Oh, and you have to kill them, not just cut them. Slitting their throats work nicely, it makes enough of a mess to appease the dark lord. And it’s so entertaining to see the goat thrash about for a few seconds while it’s gushing blood out of it’s neck. Very Halloween like.

    But that won’t help with your iBrick. You’re just screwed. Might as well slit your own neck and meet the dark lord in person, maybe he’ll have pity on you. Or not. Maybe if you told him you licked Moltz’s area, that might help. Yeah, try that.

    But give me your iBrick first, you won’t need it where you’re going.

  6. Ventzi says:

    Hah! Enthusiast!!!

    Just don’t you think you’re the first one to come up with the iHouse idea and go collecting iBricks like that!

  7. sue says:

    New iPod. Shinny new toy. Whee!

  8. Rip Ragged says:

    No help desk? Again? Well, dang. There goes my whole weekend. It seems to me that you’d need an awful lot of iBricks to build an iHouse, but with just a few you could make a cool iMobile to hang over a child’s crib, or glue them together and make an iVase. Individually, hackers might find that they’ll make workable iSuppositories.

    Can I have a cookie now?

  9. Ventzi says:

    Sorry, I only have iCookies left and it seems that you already had enough of those.

    meow

  10. Anonymous Coward says:

    10. beaches!

  11. Captain Apathy says:

    Somebody’s got a bad attitude!

  12. blank says:

    Ditto, John. Fucking ditto.

    Best. Ep. E…

    You know.

  13. CB says:

    Sheehs, shouting PERFORMA gets you nowhere, dude.

    You gotta yell “QUADRA” four times.

  14. Huh? says:

    No help desk?!?

    Dude. I am SO totally gonna use your toothbrush.

    Don’t even think of trying to hide it. I know where your little ‘hidey place’ is.
    Not there. The other one…

    Anyone see Del? I need some Ninja Kittens™.

  15. Nxxx says:

    What ever the rest say John, it is the BEST NO HELP DESK EVER.

  16. Ace Deuce says:

    My area can lick your area with one arm tied behind its back!

    And your mother wears combat boots!

  17. scared monster, better known as Unundersatnding One, says:

    I don’t understand the word “area”, in the sentence “lick my area”.
    I don’t really care, as I have no iPhone, and it doesn’t seem to please Mr. Jobs to give any in FRance, so I won’t have any for a long time.
    But I don’t understand the word “area”.

  18. Mortal Ken says:

    Hello, did someone call? Sorry, I was busy tending my goat herd, so I wasn’t paying attention.

  19. Steve G. says:

    Since nobody else asked, I will: Do I have to be holding the iPhone in the air with button pushed and pencil inserted while I cut the goat?

    I mean, I wouldn’t want to screw this up, since I’m not sure what would happen if I did it wrong. That, and I’d have to find another goat.

    Does anyone know what would happen if I typed “plugh” or “xyzzy” onto the iPhone? Would that work? I’d hate to go through the whole button pushing and goat cutting and then rebrick it.

  20. Walking Contradiction says:

    Scared, you know, area. Like as in nether region. Where the legs meet. Seat. Sphincter. Butt. Ass. Filthy shit hole. You’re a filthy little sinner and that’s where your evil comes out.

    You know, area.

    Of course he could have meant somewhere else, but that would be less entertaining. Or less gross. Or at least less derogatory.

    Anyone who wants to debate this can lick *MY* area. Except Moltz, since it’s his phrase we’re discussing. Plus it would gross me out to have him licking me anywhere.

  21. Nxxx says:

    How dare you?
    Mr. Moltz is well able and is indeed a possessor of noted skills in area licking. Or so I’m told.

  22. |-|@cK3r says:

    I tried licking my area. That didn’t help.

  23. Caveman says:

    I lick my own area. You know, to stay clean. Like a kitty cat.

  24. Carbonfish says:

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!…

    Alla-woza-newton!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHA…

    sigh… Okay, I’m done.

  25. Rip Ragged says:

    I thought we were talking about an area of expertise, or possibly the area of a work surface. It never occurred to me that we were talking about Another Really Explicit Acronym, or Another Ruined Evening’s Appetite, or Moltz’s anal sphincter.

    Frankly, I didn’t find it at all funny. Well, except the Performa part… Well… and the cutting a goat part was pretty humorous… and the part where he says, “Fuck you.” That part was a scream. Except for that it was just disgusting.

    I’m telling mom.

  26. Nxxx says:

    Tell Tale tit,
    Your tongue will split

    and then it will be no use for licking areas.

  27. Streetrabbit says:

    Something else from Ars Technica… If you keep your iPhone in a jar of strawberry jam it won’t be updated.

    There’ll still be a sticky, icky mess. Just not goat’s blood.

    And it’ll imbibe less bemusement in those around you.

  28. DW says:

    Yeah, Nxxx, but a split tongue is good for licking other things.

  29. kingthedestroyer says:

    There are more “Area Lickers” out there than I care to think about, but since thinking hurts, I will stop now, …. lick away you sick bast$&^*(&$se

  30. Mr I LikeCrappyStuff says:

    Again with the iPhone.

    Come back to me when they bring out a Windows Mobile version.

  31. fractured cell says:

    does anyone know where i can buy a mail order goat? ive kinda run out…

    wibble…

  32. Beer says:

    I thought the fix was to insert a #2 pencil into your ear and then smack it *really* hard a few times until the problem goes away.

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