Apple executives were jubilant today over the announcement that the company had won the dismissal of a lawsuit claiming its executives unfairly profited from improperly backdated stock options while investors suffered because of diluted share prices.
“Perhaps this will be a lesson to people in the future,” said Apple’s newly minted general counsel Daniel Cooperman. “Mess with the bull… you get the horns.”
Cooperman then topped off his cliché by putting his index fingers up by his temples and jabbing his head at reporters several times.
Satisfied he made his point, Cooperman put his hands down and noted “Danny’s one for one, bay-bee! And there’s more where that came from, bee-otch!”
He then pantomimed riding a horse and slapped his own behind several times.
CEO Steve Jobs said “I’m thrilled that justice has been served in this case. Clearly, there was no intent to improperly reward ourselves. We have ever only had the interests of our investors and our customers at heart.”
Jobs received a hearty round of applause from the gathered members of Apple’s executive group as well as several investment analysts.
“Now if you’ll excuse me,” Jobs said, “I’m going to go backdate the shit out of some options.”
Jobs then disappeared into a back room from which he could be heard to shout “June 12, 1996! November 6, 1990! September 23rd, 1981! March 8th, 1968! Oh, that was a good one!”
For their part, the plaintiffs indicated they recognized their case was an uphill battle.
“Admittedly,” said plaintiffs’ lead counsel Roger Fogelstein, “it’s a little hard to claim you were damaged by diluted stock prices when the company’s stock is at like a bazillion dollars a share right now.”
Apple stock rose even further on the news, then dropped back down when Jobs started backdating options and then rose again when someone saw a squirrel.