15 Nov 07Apple Wins Dismissal of Suit.

Apple executives were jubilant today over the announcement that the company had won the dismissal of a lawsuit claiming its executives unfairly profited from improperly backdated stock options while investors suffered because of diluted share prices.

“Perhaps this will be a lesson to people in the future,” said Apple’s newly minted general counsel Daniel Cooperman. “Mess with the bull… you get the horns.”

Cooperman then topped off his cliché by putting his index fingers up by his temples and jabbing his head at reporters several times.

Satisfied he made his point, Cooperman put his hands down and noted “Danny’s one for one, bay-bee! And there’s more where that came from, bee-otch!”

He then pantomimed riding a horse and slapped his own behind several times.

CEO Steve Jobs said “I’m thrilled that justice has been served in this case. Clearly, there was no intent to improperly reward ourselves. We have ever only had the interests of our investors and our customers at heart.”

Jobs received a hearty round of applause from the gathered members of Apple’s executive group as well as several investment analysts.

“Now if you’ll excuse me,” Jobs said, “I’m going to go backdate the shit out of some options.”

Jobs then disappeared into a back room from which he could be heard to shout “June 12, 1996! November 6, 1990! September 23rd, 1981! March 8th, 1968! Oh, that was a good one!”

For their part, the plaintiffs indicated they recognized their case was an uphill battle.

“Admittedly,” said plaintiffs’ lead counsel Roger Fogelstein, “it’s a little hard to claim you were damaged by diluted stock prices when the company’s stock is at like a bazillion dollars a share right now.”

Apple stock rose even further on the news, then dropped back down when Jobs started backdating options and then rose again when someone saw a squirrel.

31 Responses to “Apple Wins Dismissal of Suit.”

  1. Huh? says:

    Slapped his own behind….

    That’s an image I didn’t need.

    one?

  2. Huh? says:

    Gaaaaaaggghhh!!!! Missed by that much…

    A pox upon you Carl!!!!!

    Any pox. Your choice.

  3. digitalcowboy says:

    Another top five. Carl’s really accumulating the poxes(?). poxen(?). poxii(?).

  4. blank says:

    If one crosses the international date line while backdating, is it back-backdated?

  5. Glenn Fleishman says:

    I figured the suit would be won when Steve Jobs used Time Machine to travel back in history and delete the improperly backdated options. Isn’t that what Time Machine was designed for in the first place?

  6. Sudo Nym says:

    Daniel Cooperman says this article misquotes him, and he’s suing.

    And Time Machine was invented so I could go back and buy Apple shares at $13 around the end of the Amelio era. Or so I assumed when I installed Leopard. Now I’m waiting for 10.5.1.

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    Damn squirrels messing with the markets again. It was bad enough with the bulls and the bears and all those other Chicago ball clubs.

  8. Sudo Nym says:

    Okay, make that 10.5.2. Sigh…

  9. Sudo Nym says:

    Y’know what? I’m not gonna wait. As soon as Apple releases a version of OS X with a working Time Machine, I’m coming back to today and giving it to myself. Next time you see me, I’ll be fabulously wealthy.

  10. Seano says:

    these go to 11

  11. Nxxx says:

    Wasn’t it The Who who were ‘just backdated, yeah’ in ‘Substitute?
    Could they be suing Jobs for breach of copyright?

  12. Doom Pa De Dum says:

    bologna!

  13. CB says:

    This has been a bad week for posting for me. Next week I’ll pull it together and be FIRST every night. You just watch.

  14. buthidae says:

    That’s a pretty big call, CB. I hope you don’t backdate anybody’s toothbrush whilst on your quest.

  15. buthidae says:

    I almost wasn’t going to say it, but I just can’t go without

    Three times five is fifteen! But sixteen is a good number two.

  16. Joe Ragosta says:

    Seventeen is prime!

  17. J0n says:

    Oh, by the way, Moltz, your “Meet the Staff” page still shows The Entity as the energy being in a hooded cloak, not as J(f)C.

    Your readership wants J(f)C!

    (As if you didn’t already know that!)

  18. Adrian Poindexter says:

    Apple stock rose even further on the news, then dropped back down when Jobs started backdating options and then rose again when someone saw a squirrel.

    Boy, if that ain’t the best explanation of how the stock market works, it… Well hell, it is, isn’t it?

  19. Steve G. says:

    As partly alluded to in #15, Cooperman so used our toothbrush!

    Will His Steveness’ crazy apple backdating of stock (yes, CABS) affect Forrest Gump?

  20. Chris says:

    So, with backdating, could I make this the first post?

    “Backdate.” I’m thinking reality show here. Work with me. People who go on dates but never face each other. Only their backs touch. Sort of like a bad rip-off of a Beckett play. Samuel Beckett, not Josh Beckett.

  21. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    I backdated a girl once. She slapped me and that was the end of it. Apple got off easy, not even a slap.

  22. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    22/23 = 1 (rounding up)

  23. Doc W0lfram says:

    JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!JFC!

  24. Q: What do you get when you cross a Michigan fan with a pig?
    A: Nothing – there are some things even a pig won’t do!

    Q: How many Michigan Freshmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: They can’t yet – it’s a sophomore course.

    Q: What do you call a Wolverine with a Championship Ring?
    A: Thief!

    I heard that Lloyd Carr is only going to dress 25 players to-morrow … they say the rest can dress themselves!

    Go Bucks!

  25. THE GOLDEN PHONE

    A highly recruited high school football player was visiting Big Ten schools to try and find the best college for him.

    His first stop was at Ann Arbor. When he got there, head coach Lloyd Carr immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, “Thank you, God” and hung up.

    The boy was shocked by all this. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone. “Well, this phone is a direct line to God. And God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our college.”

    The young athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick. “Sure, you can! But it’s going to cost you $250. Calling Heaven isn’t cheap.” The boy didn’t have that kind of money on him, so he moved along.

    His next stop was Minnesota. Once at Glen Mason’s office, Coach Mason immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, “Thank you, God” and hung up.

    The boy said, “Hey, I’ve seen those phones before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?” “Sure,” Mason said, “Sure, but it’s going to cost you $200. Calling Heaven isn’t cheap.” Again, not having that kind of money, the boy left.

    His next stop was Happy Valley. Upon arrival at Joe Pa’s office, Coach Paterno picked up a golden telephone, talked to God, said, “Thanks,” and hung up.

    The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, “Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose.” Coach Paterno said “You can but it will cost you $150. Calling heaven is not cheap.” Again, the boy left since he did not have that kind of money.

    His last stop for the boy was Ohio State. He went in Coach Tressel’s office and he saw a golden phone here also. Coach Tressel got on the golden phone and talked a few minutes and said, “Thanks, God” and hung up.

    The boy said, “Can I use that phone to find out where I should go, to school?” Coach Tressel said, “Well, sure go ahead.”

    The boy said, “From Michigan it was going to cost me $250 to use their phone. From Minnesota they wanted $200 and Penn State wanted $150.

    So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here at Ohio State?”

    Coach Tressel smiled and said, “Nothing, son. It’s a local call from Columbus.”

  26. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Wow, those spam bots got sophisticated, now they’re impersonating Woody Hayes!

    Just as stupid though.

    UofM all the way!

    Sigh, you know since Bo and Woody are both dead, the Michigan/Ohio rivalry just isn’t the same.

  27. Well, after last year, EVERYTHING’s going to be a let-down!

    I mean, they were #1 and #2 – and with Bo passing away the day before … nothing will ever live up to that, no matter on which side of the Toledo Strip you’re standing.

    And since the BCS went into effect, the Big Ten Title and trip to the Rose Bowl just don’t mean as much as they once did.

    7

    And, Go Bucks!!

    (O-H … I-O!)

  28. Rip Ragged says:

    I hate to break up a good thing by going “On Topic,” but um…

    On the actual post, you said that the stock went up when someone saw a squirrel. That may be a factual error, or possibly you didn’t read the whole article. The stock went up when someone saw Squirrel Boy playing with his Android.

    Just wanted to clear that up.

  29. Chris says:

    Good to see that there are some other Buckeye fans here.

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