Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: Hey! Did you see that QuickTime update the other day?!
A: Well, sure.
Q: They patched like 44 vulnerabilities! What the hell is that?!
A: Uh, you’d rather they didn’t patch flaws?
Q: No! I’d rather they didn’t make mistakes!
A: Well, mistakes are inevitable. And you pay attention to what’s critical. Apple just hasn’t been hit by any attacks and they probably thought that might change with the Mac’s market share moving up…
Q: You know, I know there are words coming out of your mouth but all I hear is “Blah, blah, blah.” It is unacceptable for Apple to make a mistake! Ever!
A: Oh. So, you had a machine that was exploited because of one of these flaws?
Q: No! What… why do you keep talking and asking me questions?!
A: I’m just trying to figure out why you seem so angry over a bug fix.
Q: Because Apple’s shipping shit and forcing us to eat it!
A: Did you have some kind of data loss or…
Q: NO! Man, why are you trying to kill my indignation buzz?!
A: I’m kind of obnoxious that way.
A: Uh, yeah?
Q: Dude. I’m going to do it.
A: Do what?
Q: I’m going to open… my iPod touch.
A: What?! No! People like you are why we can’t have nice things!
Q: What are you talking about? We have nice things. Like the iPod touch.
A: No, no, no! We’d have other even nicer things if Steve didn’t have to cry himself to sleep every night because he knew some jackass somewhere was taking apart his beautiful hardware!
Q: Like what things?
A: Like the tablet! And the teeny weeny laptop! And sexbots! And the Hasselbecker Manifold!
Q: The what?!
A: Uh, whoops. I’ve said too much.
Q: “The Hasselbecker Manifold”?
A: Um, please stay at your house. Someone will be out momentarily.
A: If you could just sit with your back to the door…
Q: Uh… are you going to rub me out?
A: What?! No! No, no, no. No.
A: Well, actually, yes. See, you’re just not supposed to know about the Hasselbecker Manifold. There are certain rumors that even rumor sites aren’t supposed to talk about. And the Hasselbecker Manifold is definitely one of those.
Q: I swear I won’t tell anyone.
A: Ha-ha! That’s funny because that’s the same thing the guy who found out about the iPhone said! And then that whole thing got blown about a year ago.
Q: What happened to him?
A: Um… you don’t like hot dogs, do you?
Q: Not… anymore.
Q: Maybe you can help me out. I’m wondering if there are any good pickup lines for Mac geeks. A friend of mine works in construction and he’s always got these awesome pickup lines for women.
A: Like what?
Q: Like “Do you work in a lumber yard? Because you’re giving me wood!”
A: Uh, yeah, that is… awesome.
Q: Oh, yeah.
A: Well, OK. How about this one: “Are you a disk intensive activity? Because you’re spinning up my hard drive!”
Q: Ooh, not bad!
A: Or, “Are you a gaussian blur on a 50 MB file on a Performa? Because you’re really extending my progress bar!”
Q: Yeah! Or “Are you online porn? Because I’m masturbating to you!”
Q: Too much?
A: A bit.