17 Dec 07Jobs Giving Apple Employees Special Holiday Gift.

At a surprise all-hands meeting, CEO Steve Jobs announced that as thanks for another spectacular year, Apple employees would be receiving a special holiday gift.

“Tomorrow,” Jobs said to the excited crowd, “each employee of Apple worldwide, including retail stores, will receive one or more heads of livestock.”

Jobs, who had previously given Apple employees such items as an iPod shuffle and an iPhone, said “The gift of livestock is an investment into our employees. It’s previously concerned me that electronics such as iPods or iPhones are depreciating assets that offer no ongoing value. Livestock, on the other hand, allows our employees to increase their protein intake and their income.

“Also, they’re great for trading for wives.”

A memo distributed at the meeting stated that each Apple employee will receive either a llama, two goats or six rabbits.

According to Jobs, llamas may be sheared or slaughtered for meat, goats can provide milk or be slaughtered for meat, while rabbits…

“Well, rabbits are pretty much just meat. Of course you can breed them for more meat. And there ain’t nothing wrong with meat. Um, not that I’d know.”

Jobs paused to wipe some saliva from the corner of his mouth.

Apple employees were slightly confused by the announcement.

“I was kind of hoping for an Apple TV or a fat nano,” said AppleCare support technician Dale Kelly.

“I live in a small, unfurnished apartment and I think it would be a violation of my tenant’s agreement to have livestock in my unit.

“So I’m just going to slaughter mine immediately. Probably in my cube.”

Jobs also announced that each and every Apple customer would be getting a bucket of corn meal.

Heifer International, a charitable organization that helps fight world hunger through gifts of livestock to the developing world, denied any connection to Jobs’ announcement. But a spokesman did note that a fully tax-deductible donation of livestock makes a great holiday gift to yourself and those in need.

29 Responses to “Jobs Giving Apple Employees Special Holiday Gift.”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    This is blasphemy!

    But the funny kind.

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    The vegetarians should be able to exchange for the equivalent in tofurkeys.

  3. Ace Deuce says:

    Or a soyboy hat and chaps.

  4. Streetrabbit says:

    “Probably in my cube.”

    Ha!

  5. Steves Job says:

    We found a box of old refurb TiBooks, and they’ll be offered free, while supplies last, for those enterprising associates who wish to cook their livestock during lunch hour.

    Mmmm…. llama.

  6. Huh? says:

    Um… I hate to tell you all this, but I did some more research on this story.
    Turns out, they’re not getting the whole animal… Just the head.

    Yup… A head of livestock….
    Um…

    Herd they make great soup, though.

    Jeez… I crack myself up.

  7. shawk says:

    Will the livestock heads be white or black?

  8. Nxxx says:

    I’ve only have a Mini and all I got was fleas.

  9. LeeBrix says:

    “..as thank for another …” hmm what’s wrong with this picture? maybe stevie didn’t want to give up the “s” at the end of his name for his staff?

  10. CB says:

    stock? as in options? I thought that kind of gift was over with.

  11. head says:

    didn’t they all receive a pony earlier this year? or was that a lesbian ninja sexbot…

  12. HisSteveness says:

    Why no pony – that suxx… I love ponies…

  13. fractured cell says:

    WHAT?
    only livestock?

    what happened to the pony i was promised?

    PONY!

    O_o… wibble

  14. Klayman says:

    Llamas? Why not a vinchuca? Those have much finer wool. What a cheap bastardo…

    Cheers
    Klayman

  15. Apple Lopsider says:

    This is typical Apple. Jobs thinks he can just hand out so many free goats no one will care that the occasional 10 or 500 disappear for several days and then reappear mangled and sucked dry smeared on the parking lot tarmac. That’s right, infinite loop is infested with chupacabra. That’s not something you can just call Orkin about, you know.

    PS: spelling alternatives Firefox suggested for chupacabra:

    Waupaca’s
    macabrely
    abracadabras

  16. nonlinearG says:

    Jobs will have a concern about post dating livestock options. They leave evidence behind, so to speak.

    The employees should be happy he didn’t choose those heifers in the spring with the fresh hay and all. They post date about every 5 or 6 hours. whee…ooooh.

  17. Apple Lopsider says:

    nonlinearG gets my vote for best post-dated stock options topper joke in the ’07 CARSy awards.

  18. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    Hmm. I wonder if Apple’s board has checked on whether Steve backdated the livestock options? Or just dated any of the livestock period, prior to trading them for wives.

  19. Del says:

    They could be bunnies for their hair instead of meat. Angora bunnies make great sweaters (you just have to us appropriate amounts of carrot and stick to get the little buggers to knit).

  20. Chris says:

    I’m excited about the corn meal. I haven’t had a good muffin in a while.

    Wait, let me reprhase that . . .

  21. kingthedestroyer says:

    All I got was a pet rock……. and it’s leaving little pebbles all over the carpet!!!

  22. Loose Leaf says:

    I hope I get the goats. I’ve got some black berries in the back yard those guys can go to work on. I could tie them up in the yard to keep the grass down as well. Maybe rent them out to the neighbors as well.

  23. Rip Ragged says:

    Well, that explains why they’ve been sitting on my resume for a month. Oh well, beans again.

  24. bibulb says:

    W00t for Heifer. They’re good folx.

    Damn. Now I’m hungry.

  25. Daniel says:

    I couldn’t understand some parts of this article Jobs Giving Apple Employees Special Holiday Gift., but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

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