At a surprise all-hands meeting, CEO Steve Jobs announced that as thanks for another spectacular year, Apple employees would be receiving a special holiday gift.
“Tomorrow,” Jobs said to the excited crowd, “each employee of Apple worldwide, including retail stores, will receive one or more heads of livestock.”
Jobs, who had previously given Apple employees such items as an iPod shuffle and an iPhone, said “The gift of livestock is an investment into our employees. It’s previously concerned me that electronics such as iPods or iPhones are depreciating assets that offer no ongoing value. Livestock, on the other hand, allows our employees to increase their protein intake and their income.
“Also, they’re great for trading for wives.”
A memo distributed at the meeting stated that each Apple employee will receive either a llama, two goats or six rabbits.
According to Jobs, llamas may be sheared or slaughtered for meat, goats can provide milk or be slaughtered for meat, while rabbits…
“Well, rabbits are pretty much just meat. Of course you can breed them for more meat. And there ain’t nothing wrong with meat. Um, not that I’d know.”
Jobs paused to wipe some saliva from the corner of his mouth.
Apple employees were slightly confused by the announcement.
“I was kind of hoping for an Apple TV or a fat nano,” said AppleCare support technician Dale Kelly.
“I live in a small, unfurnished apartment and I think it would be a violation of my tenant’s agreement to have livestock in my unit.
“So I’m just going to slaughter mine immediately. Probably in my cube.”
Jobs also announced that each and every Apple customer would be getting a bucket of corn meal.
Heifer International, a charitable organization that helps fight world hunger through gifts of livestock to the developing world, denied any connection to Jobs’ announcement. But a spokesman did note that a fully tax-deductible donation of livestock makes a great holiday gift to yourself and those in need.