It’s been a while since we’ve done one of these, but sources deep inside Apple – like in the boiler room – forwarded this transcript of a meeting that took place in Tokyo between Apple representatives and those of NTT DoCoMo over bringing the iPhone to Japan.
Let’s do it again, boys and, um, girl. Let’s go… Inside Apple.
SCHILLER: Let me just say that it’s a pleasure to be here and we’re really excited about the opportunity to bring the iPhone to Japan!
JOBS: That’s right, Phil. The iPhone is a device uniquely fitted to the Japanese market. We think Japan’s sophisticated consumer electronics buyers are really going to enjoy it.
NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVE 1: Hey! Let’s super fun time with iPhone!
SCHILLER: Um… [LOOKS QUIZZICALLY AT JOBS]
JOBS: Uh… yes! Exactly! Let’s super fun time with iPhone!
NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVE 2: You get super number 1! In vibrant blues and yellows!
SCHILLER: Uh… that’s… good.
JOBS: What does that mean?
SCHILLER: It doesn’t matter! Because we’re excited about working with your company to bring the iPhone to the Japanese market. So, let’s talk some numbers…
EXECUTIVE 1: Numbers! Ah! Yes!
JOBS: Yes, numbers!
SCHILLER: Numbers! OK, so, we were thinking…
EXECUTIVE 1: 14!
EXECUTIVE 2: One thousand eleventy!
EXECUTIVE 1: Seven seventy!
EXECUTIVE 2: Twenty twenty!
EXECUTIVE 1: Sixty Minutes!
EXECUTIVE 2: Ladies panties!
SCHILLER: I, uh, was more thinking number of units.
JOBS: I was thinking number of dollars. Or yen. I’m not particular.
SCHILLER: OK, OK. What about ad campaigns? I was thinking some top Japanese talent could give the iPhone a hip image. Any names you can think of?
EXECUTIVE 1: Ah, top talent!
EXECUTIVE 2: Top talent!
EXECUTIVE 1: We get John Wayne!
EXECUTIVE 2: No, Steve McQueen!
EXECUTIVE 1: Ah! Bang-bang!
EXECUTIVE 2: Bang-bang! Sell many iPhones!
SCHILLER: No. No. They’re not hip. Or Japanese. Or alive.
JOBS: Well, McQueen’s hip. Still dead, though.
SCHILLER: I think we need Japanese celebrities. Or ordinary people! Man on the street types!
EXECUTIVE 1: Ah, man on za street! Yes! My cousin is number one top man on za streeto!
SCHILLER: Is your accent getting heavier?
EXECUTIVE 2: Ah! Ah! Time for Wii!
EXECUTIVE 1: Time for Wii!
EXECUTIVE 2: Wiiiiiiii!
[THE NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVES TURN ON A NINTENDO WII AND BEGIN TO PLAY.]
SCHILLER: OK, uh, we’ll just go… and…
JOBS: We’ll talk later.
SCHILLER: Right. We’ll talk later.
[THE APPLE EXECUTIVES LEAVE.]
EXECUTIVE 1: [DROPPING THE WII CONTROLLER] Well, that went well.
EXECUTIVE 2: I think so. A few more meetings like this and we should have them right where we want them.
EXECUTIVE 1: Great. No way we’re getting screwed like AT&T. I hope it happens soon, though, because this papier-mache Hello Kitty head really itches.
EXECUTIVE 2: Oh, you think this Godzilla suit is any better? This rubber really chafes my junk.
EXECUTIVE 1: Ha-ha!
EXECUTIVE 2: What? What did I say… Oh! Ha-ha!
EXECUTIVE 1: Ha-ha! “This rubber chafes my junk”!
EXECUTIVE 2: Heh-heh. Ahhh. Hey, could you unzip me?