Inside Apple

It’s been a while since we’ve done one of these, but sources deep inside Apple – like in the boiler room – forwarded this transcript of a meeting that took place in Tokyo between Apple representatives and those of NTT DoCoMo over bringing the iPhone to Japan.

Let’s do it again, boys and, um, girl. Let’s go… Inside Apple.

SCHILLER: Let me just say that it’s a pleasure to be here and we’re really excited about the opportunity to bring the iPhone to Japan!

JOBS: That’s right, Phil. The iPhone is a device uniquely fitted to the Japanese market. We think Japan’s sophisticated consumer electronics buyers are really going to enjoy it.

NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVE 1: Hey! Let’s super fun time with iPhone!


JOBS: Uh… yes! Exactly! Let’s super fun time with iPhone!

NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVE 2: You get super number 1! In vibrant blues and yellows!

SCHILLER: Uh… that’s… good.

JOBS: What does that mean?

SCHILLER: It doesn’t matter! Because we’re excited about working with your company to bring the iPhone to the Japanese market. So, let’s talk some numbers…

EXECUTIVE 1: Numbers! Ah! Yes!

JOBS: Yes, numbers!

SCHILLER: Numbers! OK, so, we were thinking…


EXECUTIVE 2: One thousand eleventy!

EXECUTIVE 1: Seven seventy!

EXECUTIVE 2: Twenty twenty!

EXECUTIVE 1: Sixty Minutes!

EXECUTIVE 2: Ladies panties!

SCHILLER: I, uh, was more thinking number of units.

JOBS: I was thinking number of dollars. Or yen. I’m not particular.

SCHILLER: OK, OK. What about ad campaigns? I was thinking some top Japanese talent could give the iPhone a hip image. Any names you can think of?

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah, top talent!

EXECUTIVE 2: Top talent!

EXECUTIVE 1: We get John Wayne!

EXECUTIVE 2: No, Steve McQueen!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah! Bang-bang!

EXECUTIVE 2: Bang-bang! Sell many iPhones!

SCHILLER: No. No. They’re not hip. Or Japanese. Or alive.

JOBS: Well, McQueen’s hip. Still dead, though.

SCHILLER: I think we need Japanese celebrities. Or ordinary people! Man on the street types!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah, man on za street! Yes! My cousin is number one top man on za streeto!

SCHILLER: Is your accent getting heavier?

EXECUTIVE 2: Ah! Ah! Time for Wii!

EXECUTIVE 1: Time for Wii!

EXECUTIVE 2: Wiiiiiiii!


SCHILLER: OK, uh, we’ll just go… and…

JOBS: We’ll talk later.

SCHILLER: Right. We’ll talk later.



EXECUTIVE 2: I think so. A few more meetings like this and we should have them right where we want them.

EXECUTIVE 1: Great. No way we’re getting screwed like AT&T. I hope it happens soon, though, because this papier-mache Hello Kitty head really itches.

EXECUTIVE 2: Oh, you think this Godzilla suit is any better? This rubber really chafes my junk.


EXECUTIVE 2: What? What did I say… Oh! Ha-ha!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ha-ha! “This rubber chafes my junk”!

EXECUTIVE 2: Heh-heh. Ahhh. Hey, could you unzip me?

29 thoughts on “Inside Apple”

  1. This demeans the Great Japanese People and you will soon be hearing from their lawyers. In the meantime, can some one get me a dry pair of pants, if I may use such terminology.

  2. Hey ! Let’s all unzip ourselves each other !
    Woo-Hoo ! Ladies panties !

    And top 7, I guess.

  3. No, MY Pantsâ„¢, thank you very much.
    Sorry CB, they don’t want to come out and play. Long day and such…

    I just hate it when my junk gets chafed.
    I tried using a dish, but no success.

    Also, could everyone please clear their old food out of the fridge, there’s something rather nasty growing in there.

  4. More stereotypes, please! In fact, forget stereotypes. Let’s crank it up a notch.


  5. That’s exactly how the first meetings in France went.

    Instead of Hello Kitty and Godzilla it was all stripy tee shirts, berets, fake moustaches and strings of garlic.

    And a couple of mimes thrown in for good measure.

  6. @13: and Asterix. You forgot Asterix.

    America’s crazy. I was in B&N the other day, mocking their “graphic novel” selection, and suddenly realized I haven’t seen an Asterix book since I first stepped foot in the States. Tintin, sure, Tintin’s everywhere, but no Asterix.

    Bloody Americans.

  7. That was frickin’ hysterical.

    I really shouldn’t be reading this at work. They’re probably wondering what I’m laughing about.

    Why didn’t the Executives have sexbots? I thought the Japanese robot tech was more advanced than ours…

  8. You think those are strange negotiating tactics from the DoCoMo executives. Just wait until Jobs and Schiller meet CoconutTel’s Ririfatu Meraterhagi on the cannibalistic island just off the coast of Borneo.

    Dog eat dog ain’t nothing on this island where saying “eat me” can lead to a quick cessation of negotiations.

  9. Great, Moltz. You probably just triggered a three year fad of anime centering around the theme of young gay men and their heavily chafed junkage.

    I can see it now.

    Demon City Junk Hunter

    Heat Guy Q

    Pokemon: Curse Of The Chafed Pokeballs

    My Neighbor Junkman

    Oy! It will *not* be pretty. Well, the boy toy characters will be, but you know what I mean.

  10. @20: that would be “Mrs Moltz” (also known as Mrs Gruber elsewhere on the web).

    Incidentally, we’re not yet sure whether “Gruber’s” wife is part of Moltz’s doppleganger delusion or whether Mrs Moltz is just enabling her husband’s problem (possibly because of the non-taxable revenue gained from Daring Fireball, possibly because of some darker, more sinister plot).

    The existence or masked identity of Gruber junior is also a matter of hot debate.

  11. @23: remember your salary–celery merger: “E” before “L” except when L leads; that should be “doppELganger”. Idiot.

  12. John Wayne is beyond hip. Also, any reference to Blue Oyster Cult makes for a great post.

    Way to go, John.

    Yup. “I” before “E” except after “W.” Weird, huh?

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