Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: I have a Titanium PowerBook that I’m trying to use as a printer server on an 802.11g network. I bought a g PCMCIA card, but every time I have the PowerBook on the network, my wife’s MacBook gets terrible network performance. Web sites are slow and… um… hello?

A:

Q: Hello?

A:

Q: Uh… hmm. Helloooo? Is anyone there?

A:

Q: Huh. This is weird. I wonder where…

A: Sorry! Sorry I’m late! Oh, man.

Q: Oh. Hi. OK, so, I’ve got this PowerBook and…

A: I just got out of an all-day staff meeting. Holy crap. I can’t believe it. There’s some serious shit going on here.

Q: Great. OK, so I’m running an 802.11g network and…

A: The Entity called this meeting and said he had a big announcement. We just rolled our eyes, I mean, the guy’s practically incoherent. How could he have a big announcement?

Q: See, I just need to serve this printer and…

A: So, sure, it took forever to get it out of him… her… whatever… what he wanted to say. After all, he is an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a flour tortilla and served with sour cream and guacamole…

Q: Getting a lot of dropped connections and slow load times for web pages on the MacBoook…

A: And then there were the inevitable Baked Lays breaks. You know, you watch Star Trek and you think energy beings pretty much power themselves. Well, I’m telling you, that’s crap. And it’s no different now that he’s Jennifer fricking Connelly. He still packs away a case a day.

Q: Er…

A: [sigh]

Q: OK, so, I’m not sure what going on but there’s some kind of interference or switching or…

A: But the announcement!

Q: Oh, for crying out loud…

A: He’s leaving!

Q: Are you even allowed to call yourself a Help Desk anymore? I mean, isn’t there some kind of ISO minimum standard for seconds of actual help supplied?

A: Yeah! Now that the Cyber Apocalypse is over, he’s going back to his dimension! He said his mission here is complete!

Q: So that’s a “no”?

A: I always knew this would come some day but it’s just shocking now that it’s happened. I mean, I was hoping it wouldn’t be for another 500,000 years.

Q: You know what’s shocking? The poor performance my wife’s MacBook is getting.

A: The thing is, without the Entity, we’re pretty much broke. I mean, we get some good income from advertisers and that generally covers our not insubstantial liquor bill, but after that there’s just not much left to run a site.

Q: Oh. You call this “running a site”?

A: He dropped this on us and then just floated out of the conference room. No one said a word. Everyone just got up and walked out. Went home.

Q: Can I call one of them?

A: I gotta think this over. I gotta go home and drink some tequila and… I don’t know. I just need some tequila.

Q: You need some tequila? Dude, if I don’t fix my wife’s MacBook problem I’m going to need an ambulance.

A: This is probably the end of CARS. Seriously. I mean, no Entity, no money, no site. I… I gotta go… drink.

Q: Uh…

A:

Q: Great.

A:

Q: So… uh… I’ll just lock up then?

50 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. Let me point out that the Entity is still listed on the Meet the Staff page, so there’s no need to panic.

    Aaaaaaahhhh Noooooo!

  2. So Mr. Moltz, you need a new financier, or at least some mad money. Would it help if I bought a Darling Furball T-shirt? How long would that sustain the CARS editorial effort?

    Problem is, I’m not a T-shirt kind of guy, more the button-down sort.

  3. Well this doesn’t bode well. John, I don’t suggest much since I got off the sauce a number of years ago, but I think you need to drink (among other things) until you get all spinny and barfy, pass out, get up, rinse and repeat until Monday or Tuesday. By Wednesday the angst that you are feeling about CARS will pale in significance when compared to the horrible searing pain that you will be experiencing and you can sit right down and get back to work.

    Now quit your whining and get busy entertaining us godammit. And tell the Entity to quit fucking around and start pulling his/her weight around the office. Maybe she/he just needs to feel needed.

    No charge for the consultation this time.

  4. CARS, please don’t ever leave me. This website is the only one that holds me close and makes me feel safe at night.

  5. Don’t worry John.
    They’ll never let him leave the Country as JFC and he’s only doing a Waffle House Tour again, unless he can see a Bush/Jobs/Military putsch next year.

  6. Dont say these things john. We need you here. Remember what i mentioned about training classes? if not check your email archives….

  7. Rip- I don’t think you’ll have to worry about your socks.
    They seem to have walked over here and asked me to wash them.
    I’ll FedEx them back ASAP.

    Quite polite socsk, I must say…
    Got along smashingly with my Pants™

  8. It’s fake.
    Obviously this Help Desk was blurred by Photoshop.
    And it doesn’t even have FireWire !
    Definitively fake.

    Please !

  9. Don’t you go pulling a Jack Miller on us! You get us all excited and into the “experience” of AtAT, er, CARS and then you leave us. Just like Mom did. Just like Joanne did. Just like Dad did. Just like Ronald Regean did.

    Having abandonment issues.

    Tequila? Too festive. Twelve year old Scotch is more appropriate for my mood.

  10. Yeah, yeah, I don’t blame you. I mean, it’s been a great few years, but after that last Macworld coverage, I’m pretty sure CARS has jumped the shark.

    Er.

    You know what? Forget that. Jumping the shark has jumped the frickin’ shark. In fact, jumping the shark jumped the shark the instant TV Guide Channel registered jumptheshark.com.

    That’s right, 24th Dec 1997, that’s when jumping the shark got old.

    So not only is CARS old and tired, it’s old and tired in an old and tired way.

    Maybe you need to introduce some new staff members, get Ugluk and Thor back together. Maybe Masako should get pregnant.

  11. Didn’t the Entity leave or implode last year too? Road trip to find him, etc, etc. It’s like we just got him back and haven’t fully enjoyed his new Jennifer fricking Connelly form. Schwing!

    Don’t pull this same crap again!

    Maybe this is just a dream sequence. Yes, please tell us it was just a dream sequence on Monday. Thank you.

  12. Is this daja vu all over again?.
    Well, somebody get the lights.
    Jack left them on in the compound
    and the electic company went nuts.

  13. this can’t be?

    this was the last site that I had a t-shirt from that hadn’t folded yet.

    Are you sure this isn’t more legal pressure from apple on rumors sites?

  14. Man — first Ric Ocasek leaves for that slut Porizkova, and now the Entity’s —

    I’m sorry? Wrong CARS? Oh, right. Sorry about that. Apple news, new wave — you’d think I’d be able to tell them apart by now.

  15. iMoo- it’s CARS…. We drink.
    And leave the corrections to the Spell Czech.

    Speaking of… has anyone seen him lately?

  16. Methinks John could be going to bigger and better? Esp. after MacWorld. Name recognition and all that.

    Moltz, you can leave us here late at night alone … can you?

  17. I think John’s been making inappropriate advances on The Entity / JFC and he/she/it lodged a complaint with the AEDL – Anti Entity Defamation League and they are recalling all dimensional beings in protest. Bastard. I agree with A. Keester. Scotch. Definitely scotch. You don’t have to share the bottom of the bottle with a drunken dead worm.

  18. Don’t panic, it’s ‘Energy Being’ April Fool day.

    If not, it’s obviously a sad day.

    Or would be, were he not Jennifer-Fricking-Connolly.

    Now it’s a feckity-fecking-frick-god-awful day.

  19. Oh for fuk’s sake John, calm down. Energy beings are like that, all flighty and such. He/she/it will come back. Or not. And if he/she/it does and is still Jennifer Frickin Connelly and you don’t do something all male and scuzzo then it’s reviewing iPod cases at MacWorld for you!

  20. Y’know, blaming JFC for your need to get drunk and scaring the socks out of Rip just ‘cuz you want to take a couple of days off is not very ethical, John. ‘sides, JFC surely just went off to get some cigs… she’ll be back in a whiff… I’m sure…


    I’m sure…

    ..
    .
    really am…

    (oh god, we’re doomed ::sniff, whine::)

  21. Just in case anybody was wondering, Moltz misspelled “Rielly” on the Staff page. It should be “Reilly.”

    Yeah, didn’t think any of you did…

    MARK

  22. FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION. WE ARE TOP OFFICIAL OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL WHO ARE INTERESTED IN IMPORTATION OF GOODS INTO OUR CONTRY WITH FUNDS WHICH ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN NIGERIA. THE SOURCE OF THIS FUND IS AS FOLLOWS; DURING THE LAST MILITARY REGIME HERE IN NIGERIA, THE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS SET UP COMPANIES AND AWARDED THEMSELVES CONTRACTS WHICH WERE GROSSLY OVER-INVOICED.

    IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT YOU MAY NEED FINANCING AND PERHAPS WE CAN HELP ONE ANOTHER IN THIS TIME OF NEED. I HAVE BEEN DELEGATED AS A MATTER OF TRUST BY MY COLLEAGUES OF THE PANEL TO LOOK FOR AN OVERSEAS PARTNER INTO WHOSE ACCOUNT WE WOULD TRANSFER THE SUM OF US$21,320,000.00 AND SHARE THE MONEY THUS; 1. 20% FOR THE ACCOUNT OWNER, 2. 70% FOR THE US, 3. 10% TO BE USED IN SETTLING TAXATION AND EXPENSES.

    PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF THIS LETTER USING THE ABOVE TEL/FAX NUMBERS. I WILL SEND YOU DETAILED INFORMATION OF THIS PENDING PROJECT WHEN I HAVE HEARD FROM YOU.

  23. Don’t know whether Moltzy is pulling our legs or not, but if he isn’t, at least he’s giving us more advance notice than Jack did about AtAT.

  24. And speaking on one Jack, let me suggest another: Mr. Jack (as in Daniel) makes a fine beverage for times like this.

  25. Since CARS seems to be (or was, depending on what
    dimension you’re in) ratholes within ratholes, does
    anyone happen to know what happened to Jack Miller?

    And you are right, I wouldn’t spill any good Reposado
    on this.

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