24 Jan 08Some Apple Execs Reap High Salaries.

Reports filed with the SEC show that several Apple executives pulled in salaries of over $1 million last year with the notable exception of CEO Steve Jobs who still makes only $1.

As CFO Peter Oppeneheimer and COO Tim Cook note, while the rich life does have its rewards, it’s not everything.

“As much as I love my boat, my genetically bred talking monkey and my diamond-encrusted diamonds,” said Cook, “I’d give it all up for the richness of simply being Steve Jobs.

“I mean, have you seen Steve’s house? No, of course you haven’t. You’re no one. But I have. It’s serene. Beautiful. Immaculate. He lives a life of stately frugality. He eats only what he needs.”

“He breaths only what he needs,” Oppenheimer added.

“Right. I mean, how else could he survive on a salary of $1 a year?” Cook asked.

However, contrary to Cook and Oppenheimer’s supposed insights into Jobs’ monk-like lifestyle, other sources indicate that Jobs has actually supplemented his $1 income in the following ways.

  • Sold his comic book collection and used the proceeds to buy a case of Top Ramen and a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
  • When he returned to Apple in 1997, instead of spending his “mad money” for the year, he invested it in government bonds and turned $1,200 into an astounding $1,225.
  • Took a second job at the Cupertino Pizza Hut which is kind of humiliating but thanks to his Mercedes SL65 he’s able to maintain a perfect record of delivering pizzas in 30 minutes or less.
  • Back in 1973, lifted a mess of quarters from his dad’s dresser. Found them in his pants pocket just last year.

Jobs declined to be interviewed for this story as he had to go meet with his guidance counselor, who thinks he could be applying himself better.

23 Responses to “Some Apple Execs Reap High Salaries.”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    $1 salary for me!

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    With full benefits
    1

  3. Rip Ragged says:

    I knew it. I knew he had to be doing something on the side. Doesn’t the company have some policy about moonlighting? My company would have a fit.

    I’m a little surprised at the PBR, though. I always figured Steve for a Stroh’s guy. Just goes to show you, you just can’t pick ’em.

    I just read that the hate message written in the snow outside of Obama’s campaign headquarters has been tested. It’s Edwards’ urine, but it’s Hillary’s handwriting.

    Go figure.

  4. Nxxx says:

    Steve Jobs financial position unmasked but what about Moltz? We, as shareholders in CARS, demand that the Editor in Chief’s salary is Fifty Cents a year.
    Beat that Jobs.

  5. MarketWall says:

    He breathes only what he needs? As in, he decides what he needs and breathes it into existence? I hope he breathes out some sexbots soon.

  6. Coolhandluke says:

    Thats funny, im drinking pabst right now.

  7. digitalcowboy says:

    I’m top 10 but what’s Rip doing in the top 5?

    Oh, his new post just popped up in my RSS. Work before play, Rip. Don’t make your mother and me ground you from the Mac Pro.

  8. huh? says:

    Stockholders?

    Nxxx, when did you get to buy stock in CARS?
    Now I find out, even my Pants™ bought some stock….

    Why doesn’t anyone tell me these things?!

  9. scared monster, also known as Living Proof Of Something, Surely, says:

    Stupid, but I can’t put that question out of my sick mind since it appeared…
    And if Steve Jobs was a iBot ? The real Steve’s elsewhere ?
    But Where ?

  10. Gary says:

    does 11 still hold some special place?

  11. CB says:

    OK, I’m in top 15 and I read the damn post.

    Jobs breathes Air.

  12. Chris says:

    I hear he still has some pocket change left over from his last trip to Disneyland.

  13. pauldwaite says:

    > genetically bred talking monkey and my diamond-encrusted

    I think “genetically bred” should have a hyphen, just like “diamond-encrusted”.

    There’s nothing funny about inaccurate punctuation, Moltzie.

  14. J0n says:

    @pauldwaite, is it “Moltzie” or “Moltzy”?

    I always had a question about the use of the “ie” versus the “y” ending.

    For example, “Billy” and “Bobby” would typically refer to boys, but “Billie” and “Bobbie” would typically refer to a girl (as in, Billie Jo, Betty Jo, and Bobbie Jo, from Petticoat Junction).

    You’re not saying Moltz is a girl, are you? (Not that there’s anything wrong with girls; I like girls just fine.) It’s just with the Entity having come back as JfC, and the Moltz/Gruber controversy, I don’t need any more confusion right now.

    Oh, does that mean we should now refer to the Entity as the Entitie?

  15. iMoo says:

    I’m so lame… my biggest giggle is that Steve breaths air. Personally, I breathe the stuff.

  16. zacksback says:

    After this, if Moltzie/Moltzy raises the subscription rate for
    CARS again, I’m gonna think twice. Which is double what I
    usually do.

  17. Ace Deuce says:

    Really…that’s triple what I usually do.

  18. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Top 20 — 14 days after the post!!!! I think that’s a new record, and I don’t think anyone will ever see this. I could put a really cool treasure map here, and no one would ever find it. I could put my deepest darkest secret and it would be totally safe. …… I see Dead People …….

    Ok then.

  19. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    OK, just read the post, it’s a good one.

    Oppenheimer is so fricking funny.

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