Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site used to answer common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
But not any more.
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[THE TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS. THE OFFICE IS ALMOST EMPTY, THE DESKS ARE CLEARED AND A LONE FIGURE SITS PUTTING ITEMS INTO A CARDBOARD BOX.]
MOLTZ: Macworld media badge. Boba Fett action figure. Lock of Nancy Heinen’s hair. Unreleased CD of HyperCard for OS X. Copy of Schillerworld magazine. Hey, there’s my Apple iPad! Man, how did I not see that was just a Newton with a sticker on it that said “iPad”? Ha-ha! Ahhh, I was so young! Well, 37.
[TAKES A SWIG OUT OF A BOTTLE OF TRES GENERACIONES ANEJO TEQUILA THEN SHOUTS TO ABSOLUTELY NO ONE:] This isn’t a box of objects it’s a box of memories, dammit!
[LOOKING INTO THE BOX] And, um, something wrapped in aluminum foil that says “Rob Enderle’s liver”. I’m kind of afraid to open that. That’s from a weekend in Vegas I don’t remember anything of at all. Which is probably a good thing.
But…
Good times. And now… it’s all…
[SUDDENLY, A LOW HUM BEGINS TO FILL THE ROOM. IT CONTINUES TO GROW AS A WHIRLWIND BEGINS, SCATTERING PAPERS AND FLINGING THE BLINDS ABOUT. AS THE NOISE REACHES AN ALMOST DEAFENING LEVEL, A BRIGHT BALL OF WHITE LIGHT APPEARS, SENDING BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY SHOOTING TO THE NOW-EMPTY OUTLETS IN THE ROOM. A FIGURE EMERGES AS THE BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY CEASE AND THE HUM DIMINISHES. IT IS THE ENTITY, STILL IN THE FORM OF THE HOTNESS THAT IS JENNIFER FRICKING CONNELLY.]
MOLTZ: Hey! What are you doing here? You already left.
THE ENTITY: Re… appearing.
MOLTZ: Right. Well, it’s not that I’m not glad to see you, but we’re not really supposed to be in here. Our lease ran out today. I already gave the keys to the landlord. He just let me in here to clean out my desk.
THE ENTITY: Forgot… [WALKS OVER TO A TABLE AND PICKS UP A PEN] …my pen. Double booked in 4 billion years.
MOLTZ: Huh?
THE ENTITY: [THE ENTITY REGARDS THE PEN THOUGHTFULLY] Interesting. Future uncertain. Again.
MOLTZ: [RAISES THE BOTTLE OF TEQUILA] Well, you got that right. [TAKES A DRINK]
THE ENTITY: Unknown forces now in motion.
MOLTZ: Uh, is that something I should be concerned about?
THE ENTITY: No. Yes.
MOLTZ: Thanks. That’s helpful.
THE ENTITY: Well… goodbye! [TURNS TO THE LIGHT]
MOLTZ: Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of odd?
THE ENTITY: Jean-Louis Gassée.
MOLTZ: Yeah, well, he’s one to talk.
THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN TURNS BACK TO THE LIGHT BUT DOES NOT ENTER, AS IF CONSIDERING SOMETHING FOR A MOMENT. THEN POINTS INTO THE LIGHT.] You?
MOLTZ: Uh, you want me to come with you? You want me to step into the light?
THE ENTITY: Yes.
MOLTZ: But, uh, wouldn’t that mean I’m dead?
THE ENTITY: No. Opposite. Alive. Everywhere. Everywhen.
MOLTZ: Oh. Hey, you mean just like Captain Sisko?!
THE ENTITY: No!
MOLTZ: Uh, OK.
THE ENTITY: Stupid!
MOLTZ: Well, it seems pretty much the same. How’s it different?
THE ENTITY: Booze! Wii bowling!
MOLTZ: Oh. Well, those are good differences.
THE ENTITY: Pudding!
MOLTZ: You’re three for three.
THE ENTITY: Baked Lays!
MOLTZ: That’s not terribly surprising.
THE ENTITY: Manual stick transmission!
MOLTZ: OK, now it seems like you’re just shouting random things.
THE ENTITY: Crab!
MOLTZ: Oh. Chesapeake or Dungeness?
THE ENTITY: Don.
MOLTZ: Oh. Two B’s.
THE ENTITY: Yes. Or… not.
MOLTZ: Aye! [NODDING] There’s the rub.
THE ENTITY: …
MOLTZ: …
THE ENTITY: Coming?
MOLTZ: You know… um… no. Thanks. As tempting as spending eternity in a parallel universe is, with all the booze and pudding I can consume, surrounded by Mac pundits of yore and energy beings who can turn themselves into Jennifer fricking Connelly at will… I’m gonna stay here. But… thanks, man. For everything.
THE ENTITY: Ah. Chicken.
MOLTZ: What? No! Hey, I did go to the center of the galaxy with you to fight Tentaculous, if you remember.
THE ENTITY: Cross-town bus!
MOLTZ: Oh, fine. Maybe it was to you, but humans aren’t used to interstellar travel. And the in-flight movie was “Catwoman”! Dear god, that made me sicker than zero G and all the radiation combined.
Anyway… you take care of yourself.
THE ENTITY: Affirmative.
[THE ENTITY TURNS AND STARTS TO ENTER THE LIGHT]
MOLTZ: Oh… hey.
THE ENTITY: Hmm?
MOLTZ: What’s your name?
THE ENTITY: Name?
MOLTZ: You never told me your name. After all these years. Do you have one?
THE ENTITY: Yes.
MOLTZ: What is it?
THE ENTITY: [PAUSES BEFORE ANSWERING] Moof.
MOLTZ: Moof? No. Really?
THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN SHRUGS] Coincidence.
MOLTZ: [LAUGHS] OK. See you around?
THE ENTITY: [NODS] Round. Like… waffles.
MOLTZ: It always comes back to waffles, doesn’t it. Almost as if the universe were waffle-shaped or something.
THE ENTITY: Kumquat.
MOLTZ: Um… right. Well… you have a nice flight.
[THE ENTITY TURNS AND ENTERS THE LIGHT AS THE HUM RETURNS, BUT ONLY BRIEFLY. THE LIGHT SHINES BRIGHTLY AND THERE ARE SPARKS AND THE NOTHING.]
[MOLTZ LOOKS AROUND AT WHAT IS NOW ALMOST OFFICIALLY THE FORMER TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS.]
MOLTZ: I guess this is it. Jeez. Everybody’s gone but me. Chet. Vinz. Albert (whoever that is). Masako. Howard. Ugluk. Thor. The angry Scotsman. The highly effeminate half-Orc. Gloria the Sexbot. Tentaculous. Apple’s friend Gary….
[SCOOTER THE MAILROOM BOY BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, LABORIOUSLY CARRYING A LARGE BOX.]
MOLTZ: … Scooter the mail room boy…
SCOOTER: Oh! Mr. Moltz! You’re still here!
MOLTZ: Scooter, don’t interrupt me. I’m not through reciting names. Gordy, Glaarku…
SCOOTER: Oh, well, it’s just that… there’s a package for you.
MOLTZ: Really?
SCOOTER: Yeah. It came earlier. From a Mr. Skiller?
MOLTZ: Huh? “Skiller”? I don’t know any… Wait. Schiller?
SCOOTER: It’s kind of big. Do you mind giving me a hand? I think maybe it’s a monitor or something.
MOLTZ: You’re kidding.
SCOOTER: [READING] “30-inch Cinema Display”.
MOLTZ: No. Frakking. Way.
SCOOTER: That’s what it says.
MOLTZ: Well, how do you like that?
SCOOTER: Uh, well, it’s OK, I guess. It’s a little big for me, though. I live in an efficiency.
MOLTZ: Uh-huh. Yeah, well, fortunately that was a rhetorical question. Let’s load it into my car, Scooter, my good man. Because my work here…
…is done.
[THEY EACH GRAB AN END OF THE BOX AND MOVE INTO THE HALL. MOLTZ SHUTS THE LIGHT OFF WITH HIS ELBOW AND SWINGS THE DOOR SHUT WITH HIS FOOT. IT CLOSES WITH AN AUDIBLE CLICK OF THE LOCK.]
[THERE IS A BRIEF SILENCE.]
MOLTZ: Ah, crap. I think I just locked my car keys in there.
And my box of stuff.
And my bottle of tequila.
[THERE IS THE SOUND OF THE MARIMBA RINGTONE.]
And my iPhone.
[FOLLOWED BY THE PLAINTIFF BLEATING OF A SMALL BOVIDAE.]
And, uh, apparently, the evil goat.
Darn it.
Well… better go read now.
Top twenty!
three!
Top three.
*sigh*
I wish I was happy enough to joy it.
who’s going to fill the spoof apple rumor void now? honestly, the onion’s good but it’s just this good, and crap I’m kind of sad to know someone I don’t know is going away. weird.
All I can say is there better be some damn good comments.
Damn, Moltz. Don’t be a stranger, okay? Or is that, don’t get any stranger? Or um… something.
Shit.
Isn’t it always that way? Always forgetting something.
Good luck, John.
Five… *sob*
See you around the Internets John.
Nine
Bonus alternate ending! Because CARS readers are the *best* readers on the Internet!
SCOOTER: It’s kind of big. Do you mind giving me a hand? I think maybe it’s a monitor or something.
MOLTZ: You’re kidding.
SCOOTER: [READING] “30-inch Cinema Display”.
MOLTZ: Oh, my god, it’s a Cinema Display! It is! It is!
SCOOTER: Yeah. Wow. “30-inch Cinema Display”. Nice.
MOLTZ: I can’t believe he really did it! I… wait a minute. It is Skiller.
SCOOTER: Uh… yeah. It says “Randy Skiller”.
MOLTZ: Well, who the hell is Randy Skiller?
SCOOTER: Oh, wait a minute… this is to Randy Skiller.
MOLTZ: What?!
SCOOTER: Yeah. See? So, you want me to give it back to Airborne?
MOLTZ: Um… no. Uh… I’m… Randy Skiller.
SCOOTER: You are?
MOLTZ: Yes. It’s… my porn name.
SCOOTER: You have a porn name?
MOLTZ: Hey, don’t judge me! I’m out of a job and I need the money!
Congrats to Huh?. You’re mentioned twice.
Goodnight Neverland….
Good luck. And last top ten.
Thanks. Whoremoan.
You ruined my last hope at not hating tonight.
AND JOHN! AND THIS WHOLE AWFUL MESS!
How did it come to this, John? I picked on your spelling and grammar errors a lot. Sure. I admit to that. You never even gave me an indication that it bothered you.
I just can’t believe that it all ends like this. Here. Now.
Can you hand me a Kleenex® brand tissue, please.
I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, CARS staff!
Uh. Twelve. The photos of dvil goats threw me off.
Moltz!! I love you!! (does that make you want to stay?)
Glad the goat got in there at the end. I think there’s one in the alternate ending too, but I’m not positive. In the corner behind the giant cheese.
Props to iMoo for bagging eleven!
John, thanks for the ride. It’s been a hoot!
Now where’d I put that bottle…
Youngsters. It’s always this way with the kids. They get all weepy, and they’re finicky about the brand of tissue, too. And mostly they get laid more often. Probably because they have all their hair. And abs. I remember having a six-pack. Now I have a pony keg. But this isn’t about me. It’s about ten o’clock.
Dammit Moltz. Cut it out. We’ve all bought in. Quit it. It isn’t funny any more.
I haven’t commented in a while, but gosh darnit, it’s now or never.
C’mon people! Comment! Let’s crash these servers like it’s 1999!
…..
Windows ME sucks!
For what it’s worth, Thanks.
Hey cool! It’s the very last post and I’m comment number one!!!!
…oh.
Your CARS ending was better than the last episode of MacGyver (“Angus” was his first name), but not as good as “St. Elsewhere” or “Newhart.”
In any case… Best wishes. Stay weird.
Can’t believe you passed on a chance to visit Don Crabb, Wilfred Brimley and Brian Dennehy. Maybe next time…
Hey Moltz! You prick! What’s with all these emails that say “Cron Daemon”? It says my email will never be published right next to the box that asks for it. I would never have even given it to you if I had known you were gonna do this sort of shit.
I’m never posting here again, I can tell you that! And I’m going to tell all of my friends to avoi…
Oh.
Seems those are just scheduled emails from one of my servers.
Nevermind. I’ll be back to post another comment tomorrow night.
What?
23!
And yes, folks, that was the double eleven post for the very last time.
I told myself I wouldn’t cry..
The end of an era.
Fortunately I can now jump to the point in the future when the Entity returns with loads of cash for CARS and the saga continues… Now where DID I put that TARDIS key again?
Fantastic!
-=The Doctor=-
Oh, and I liked the alternate ending… It feels very truthy.
-=TD=-
First to use “Ostensibly misinformed,” allegedly.
On the plus side, I am currently surrounded by a MacPro, two MacBooks, and a PowerBook G4. I’m doing something with three of them at once.
None of your business what.
Who left the dryer running empty?
The dogcow’s name is Claris. Its call is moof.
So long, and thanks for all the 11th posts.
Well I’m not afraid of stacking.
Who gets the extra throw pillows and bottle caps?
Rip, you’d better be bribing Moltz with all that Apple swag!!
I would if any of it was mine. The MacPro is the only one I get to keep. I need that to formulate bribes with.
The rest are the property of my greedy family. I got to buy it and I get to maintain it. That ends my involvement.
I can’t believe it.
I don’t believe it.
I WON’T believe it!
My sister just got posts one AND eleven!!!
*sigh*
Well, that’s what I get for not camping on the site, and watching a movie instead.
And yes, it’s true. iMoo IS my sister.
At least I got her posting before CARS went off the air.
Anyway…
John, on a serious note(or at least as serious as things get around here) I want to thank you for all the time and work you put into this site for the last few years.
Years. Wow. It seems like the madness just started yesterday, and here we are all saying farewell.
I’d also like to say it’s been fun, to all the other CARS posters…. Rip, Del, Nxxx, Psycho, digitalcowboy, Ace Deuce, Carbonfish, The Evil Invisible Boys Choir, The Disgusted Col., and everyone else I can’t remember right now. You all feel like family. Um.. kinda a strange psychotic family.
i guess I’ll have to retire my Pantsâ„¢ now. Shortsâ„¢ too. Will Ebay take the iPrairiedog prototype? Hmm…
The iFlame I’m keeping. Thanks Del.
Not sure where to go from here… Anyone got any ideas?
Thanks again, John. It really was fun.
*fade to black, cue applause*
…..
Peter M aka huh?
Encore! Encore!
Actually Carl, it’s Clarus. But in time, I’m sure she’ll forgive you.
What huh? said, only with Pink Floyd playing Run Like Hell in the background.
Also, just thanks for all your effort.
This has been fun.
Don’t ever do *this* with a toaster. Ever.
I’m not removing this from NetNewsWire as a commemoration.
John, it’s sad to see you leave! 🙁
We will miss you!
Hey Huh?, you have a sister?
Are her pants also trademarked?
How about padlocked?
Got pictures?
Oh yeah, weepy, weepy… Bye bye Moltz and all that. As if.
So moved was I by this final story and the whole life-shattering sadness of today, I have plagiarised a poem for CARS.
An Ode to a Rumours Site
If I should die, think only this of me:
That there’s some corner of the Apple rumours web
That is for ever Crazy. There shall be
In that rich conjecture a richer humour concealed;
A site which Moltz bore, shaped, made aware,
Gave, once, sexbots to love, a Cyber Apocalypse to fear,
A body of Masako’s, breathing Howard’s air,
Washed by Thor Samson, blest by the Entity.
And think, those crazy rumours, all pompous sense shed away,
Jennifer-fricking-Connelly in the eternal mind, no less
Gives somewhere back the thoughts by CARS given;
The Schiller posse and Mega Post; dreams happy as the thought of wireless pudding;
And laughter, learnt of friends; and CARS Staff,
In hearts at peace, under a Cupertino heaven.
(plagiarised by me. Unless you’re from the Poetry Plagiarisation Enforcement Police, in which case it mysteriously showed up in my inbox from a sender called “John Moltz”. Who isn’t me, adn he doesn’t live around *here* anymore. Although you may want to start equiries with that Gruber fellow…)
Best of luck with everything Moltz, and come and visit us sometime 🙂 (here I mean – the site. We wouldn’t actually want you round our house with that goat).
Now onto the adaption for TV!
It’s 30 Rock meets NewsRadio!
Thanks for all the free entertainment John. Sorry about the joke. I’ll clean it up later.
Back off cowboy… she’s quite happily married.
Don’t make me get out the iFlame. 😉
Besides, don’t you have some young filly waiting for you on the digital range?
Well Moltz, it was fun. I’m sorry I wasn’t the best reader. I’ll miss it though. 🙁
Like I miss my bagel shirt.
MARK
Au revoir, man. It’s been a great run to follow.
It’s been a blast.. though short a time for me …
But nevermind, there may be more, I see.
For all I know, the time has come at last,
To whine and dine no more – the die is cast.
John and the rest of you mad bunch,
Thanks for cheering me up, you’ve all done a great job and might even have helped we Yuros to understand that you Merkins are just as likely to in the care of psychiatrist.
To recant
THE BEST HELP DESK EVER.
Oh CARS! It’s been fun.
Please don’t leave, you were all I had left after ATAT disappeared.
Oooh ooh 49! That’s like, four times eleven and a bit!
Bonne chance John – not quite sure what I’m going to read every morning before I get in the shower now… (yes us Europeans are weird – we pretend it’s a time-zone thing, but well…)
Dear Mr. Moltz,
I realise that you modern, unkempt and illiterate people, consider me old fashioned and are correct in this assumption. It must be realised that since I reached the rank of Colonel pre 1865, I am older that The Entity and have witnessed more action.
I shall miss the feeling of rapidly rising blood pressure whilst reading you and your posters but equally I shall miss the feeling of bliss and satisfaction when sentencing you to be taken outside and shot at dawn.
This is a metaphorical shot at dawn but I sincerely wish you and your family a useful and solvent future.
Disgusted Col Ret
Permanently, this time.