01 Feb 08Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site used to answer common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

But not any more.
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[THE TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS. THE OFFICE IS ALMOST EMPTY, THE DESKS ARE CLEARED AND A LONE FIGURE SITS PUTTING ITEMS INTO A CARDBOARD BOX.]

MOLTZ: Macworld media badge. Boba Fett action figure. Lock of Nancy Heinen’s hair. Unreleased CD of HyperCard for OS X. Copy of Schillerworld magazine. Hey, there’s my Apple iPad! Man, how did I not see that was just a Newton with a sticker on it that said “iPad”? Ha-ha! Ahhh, I was so young! Well, 37.

[TAKES A SWIG OUT OF A BOTTLE OF TRES GENERACIONES ANEJO TEQUILA THEN SHOUTS TO ABSOLUTELY NO ONE:] This isn’t a box of objects it’s a box of memories, dammit!

[LOOKING INTO THE BOX] And, um, something wrapped in aluminum foil that says “Rob Enderle’s liver”. I’m kind of afraid to open that. That’s from a weekend in Vegas I don’t remember anything of at all. Which is probably a good thing.

But…

Good times. And now… it’s all…

[SUDDENLY, A LOW HUM BEGINS TO FILL THE ROOM. IT CONTINUES TO GROW AS A WHIRLWIND BEGINS, SCATTERING PAPERS AND FLINGING THE BLINDS ABOUT. AS THE NOISE REACHES AN ALMOST DEAFENING LEVEL, A BRIGHT BALL OF WHITE LIGHT APPEARS, SENDING BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY SHOOTING TO THE NOW-EMPTY OUTLETS IN THE ROOM. A FIGURE EMERGES AS THE BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY CEASE AND THE HUM DIMINISHES. IT IS THE ENTITY, STILL IN THE FORM OF THE HOTNESS THAT IS JENNIFER FRICKING CONNELLY.]

MOLTZ: Hey! What are you doing here? You already left.

THE ENTITY: Re… appearing.

MOLTZ: Right. Well, it’s not that I’m not glad to see you, but we’re not really supposed to be in here. Our lease ran out today. I already gave the keys to the landlord. He just let me in here to clean out my desk.

THE ENTITY: Forgot… [WALKS OVER TO A TABLE AND PICKS UP A PEN] …my pen. Double booked in 4 billion years.

MOLTZ: Huh?

THE ENTITY: [THE ENTITY REGARDS THE PEN THOUGHTFULLY] Interesting. Future uncertain. Again.

MOLTZ: [RAISES THE BOTTLE OF TEQUILA] Well, you got that right. [TAKES A DRINK]

THE ENTITY: Unknown forces now in motion.

MOLTZ: Uh, is that something I should be concerned about?

THE ENTITY: No. Yes.

MOLTZ: Thanks. That’s helpful.

THE ENTITY: Well… goodbye! [TURNS TO THE LIGHT]

MOLTZ: Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of odd?

THE ENTITY: Jean-Louis Gassée.

MOLTZ: Yeah, well, he’s one to talk.

THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN TURNS BACK TO THE LIGHT BUT DOES NOT ENTER, AS IF CONSIDERING SOMETHING FOR A MOMENT. THEN POINTS INTO THE LIGHT.] You?

MOLTZ: Uh, you want me to come with you? You want me to step into the light?

THE ENTITY: Yes.

MOLTZ: But, uh, wouldn’t that mean I’m dead?

THE ENTITY: No. Opposite. Alive. Everywhere. Everywhen.

MOLTZ: Oh. Hey, you mean just like Captain Sisko?!

THE ENTITY: No!

MOLTZ: Uh, OK.

THE ENTITY: Stupid!

MOLTZ: Well, it seems pretty much the same. How’s it different?

THE ENTITY: Booze! Wii bowling!

MOLTZ: Oh. Well, those are good differences.

THE ENTITY: Pudding!

MOLTZ: You’re three for three.

THE ENTITY: Baked Lays!

MOLTZ: That’s not terribly surprising.

THE ENTITY: Manual stick transmission!

MOLTZ: OK, now it seems like you’re just shouting random things.

THE ENTITY: Crab!

MOLTZ: Oh. Chesapeake or Dungeness?

THE ENTITY: Don.

MOLTZ: Oh. Two B’s.

THE ENTITY: Yes. Or… not.

MOLTZ: Aye! [NODDING] There’s the rub.

THE ENTITY:

MOLTZ:

THE ENTITY: Coming?

MOLTZ: You know… um… no. Thanks. As tempting as spending eternity in a parallel universe is, with all the booze and pudding I can consume, surrounded by Mac pundits of yore and energy beings who can turn themselves into Jennifer fricking Connelly at will… I’m gonna stay here. But… thanks, man. For everything.

THE ENTITY: Ah. Chicken.

MOLTZ: What? No! Hey, I did go to the center of the galaxy with you to fight Tentaculous, if you remember.

THE ENTITY: Cross-town bus!

MOLTZ: Oh, fine. Maybe it was to you, but humans aren’t used to interstellar travel. And the in-flight movie was “Catwoman”! Dear god, that made me sicker than zero G and all the radiation combined.

Anyway… you take care of yourself.

THE ENTITY: Affirmative.

[THE ENTITY TURNS AND STARTS TO ENTER THE LIGHT]

MOLTZ: Oh… hey.

THE ENTITY: Hmm?

MOLTZ: What’s your name?

THE ENTITY: Name?

MOLTZ: You never told me your name. After all these years. Do you have one?

THE ENTITY: Yes.

MOLTZ: What is it?

THE ENTITY: [PAUSES BEFORE ANSWERING] Moof.

MOLTZ: Moof? No. Really?

THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN SHRUGS] Coincidence.

MOLTZ: [LAUGHS] OK. See you around?

THE ENTITY: [NODS] Round. Like… waffles.

MOLTZ: It always comes back to waffles, doesn’t it. Almost as if the universe were waffle-shaped or something.

THE ENTITY: Kumquat.

MOLTZ: Um… right. Well… you have a nice flight.

[THE ENTITY TURNS AND ENTERS THE LIGHT AS THE HUM RETURNS, BUT ONLY BRIEFLY. THE LIGHT SHINES BRIGHTLY AND THERE ARE SPARKS AND THE NOTHING.]

[MOLTZ LOOKS AROUND AT WHAT IS NOW ALMOST OFFICIALLY THE FORMER TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS.]

MOLTZ: I guess this is it. Jeez. Everybody’s gone but me. Chet. Vinz. Albert (whoever that is). Masako. Howard. Ugluk. Thor. The angry Scotsman. The highly effeminate half-Orc. Gloria the Sexbot. Tentaculous. Apple’s friend Gary….

[SCOOTER THE MAILROOM BOY BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, LABORIOUSLY CARRYING A LARGE BOX.]

MOLTZ: … Scooter the mail room boy…

SCOOTER: Oh! Mr. Moltz! You’re still here!

MOLTZ: Scooter, don’t interrupt me. I’m not through reciting names. Gordy, Glaarku…

SCOOTER: Oh, well, it’s just that… there’s a package for you.

MOLTZ: Really?

SCOOTER: Yeah. It came earlier. From a Mr. Skiller?

MOLTZ: Huh? “Skiller”? I don’t know any… Wait. Schiller?

SCOOTER: It’s kind of big. Do you mind giving me a hand? I think maybe it’s a monitor or something.

MOLTZ: You’re kidding.

SCOOTER: [READING] “30-inch Cinema Display”.

MOLTZ: No. Frakking. Way.

SCOOTER: That’s what it says.

MOLTZ: Well, how do you like that?

SCOOTER: Uh, well, it’s OK, I guess. It’s a little big for me, though. I live in an efficiency.

MOLTZ: Uh-huh. Yeah, well, fortunately that was a rhetorical question. Let’s load it into my car, Scooter, my good man. Because my work here…

…is done.

[THEY EACH GRAB AN END OF THE BOX AND MOVE INTO THE HALL. MOLTZ SHUTS THE LIGHT OFF WITH HIS ELBOW AND SWINGS THE DOOR SHUT WITH HIS FOOT. IT CLOSES WITH AN AUDIBLE CLICK OF THE LOCK.]

[THERE IS A BRIEF SILENCE.]

MOLTZ: Ah, crap. I think I just locked my car keys in there.

And my box of stuff.

And my bottle of tequila.

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF THE MARIMBA RINGTONE.]

And my iPhone.

[FOLLOWED BY THE PLAINTIFF BLEATING OF A SMALL BOVIDAE.]

And, uh, apparently, the evil goat.

Darn it.

483 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. seano says:

    May Day, MAy Day!

  2. Nxxx says:

    Problems, Sunshine?

  3. Ace Deuce says:

    Nxxx, cheer up, I’m sure you can play as badly as Kenny G and Bill Clinton combined. There’s nothing you can’t do.

    All better now?

  4. Nxxx says:

    Following Woody’s ‘Four Brothers’, can we have your nominations for the ‘Four Brothers from Hell’ sax section?

  5. Ace Deuce says:

    Guy Lombardo, Guy Lombardo, Boots Randolph, and Kenny G. Lombardo.

    Although Boots and Guy were not so bad–maybe from Heck.

  6. Nxxx says:

    Disappointed I was not nominated.

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    Send a demo tape and we’ll see if the committee thinks you are bad enough to win a spot in the crew.

  8. Nxxx says:

    Only if you promise that the drugged up bass player with the Herd who was often so high that he could only manage a two note C & W sideman performance can also join.

  9. D0c Wolfram says:

    That’s OK by me. I can’t wait to hear Nxxx.

    [Searches for earplugs.]

  10. Nxxx says:

    Give me time to take the batteries out of my deaf aid and I’ll do some recording.

  11. blank says:

    Nxxx, speaking as a drugged-up bassist, I resemble that remark!

  12. Nxxx says:

    Right, bean tin against ear and don’t forget to keep the string tight.
    Dum la la, Da dee dee, Laaa, Lee# lab la, Thrumpity, Daaa.

  13. Ace Deuce says:

    The fellows in the jug band playing washtub bass and washboard stopped washing as soon as they got the gig. Suddenly their laundry equipment was too dainty to do real work anymore. So the other members quit out of disgust.

    And so the cycle continues.

  14. blank says:

    After conversion to bass-use, a washtub doesn’t really work in its original application.

    “There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Eliza, dear Eliza…”

  15. Nxxx says:

    Someone recognised my saxophone contribution.
    *Does stolen happy dance*

  16. Ace Deuce says:

    Free cookies in the Peta-Post! Bring your own milk.

    http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/?p=870#comment-208343

  17. D0c Wolfram says:

    Sorry, Ace, the cookies are all gone. Del gave them opposable thumbs.

  18. Ace Deuce says:

    Del giveth, and Del taketh away. Thumb things were never meant to be.

    Thee what I’m thaying?

  19. Nxxx says:

    Lithping well today.

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    Sank you.

  21. Nxxx says:

    Ace,
    You weren’t on the Titanic were you?

  22. Ace Deuce says:

    I don’t sink so.

  23. seano says:

    must…post… inane… drivel…

  24. Nxxx says:

    What else is there to do whilst we faithful wait for John to return?

  25. seano says:

    have… to… keep… thread… alive…

  26. D0c Wolfram says:

    I’m still here; still driveling.

  27. Ace Deuce says:

    I’m here too. I’ve been looking through the boxes in the garage–I know I’ve got some drivel out there somewhere, which I will be sure to post when found.

  28. D0c Wolfram says:

    Wasn’t there a movie? Drivel Miss Daisy?

  29. Nxxx says:

    What about Chuck’s “Driveling along in my automobile.”?

  30. […] inventor/coiner of “Schillermania” and Phil’s biggest fan is closing the doors of Crazy Apple Rumors. I guess websites have doors. I’m very […]

  31. syk says:

    I come back to this site after 2 years and you’re telling me you’ve been closed since Feb 2008?! 😮

    How has the earth kept revolving and rotating without CARS every Friday?

  32. read full article

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