Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site used to answer common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

But not any more.
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[THE TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS. THE OFFICE IS ALMOST EMPTY, THE DESKS ARE CLEARED AND A LONE FIGURE SITS PUTTING ITEMS INTO A CARDBOARD BOX.]

MOLTZ: Macworld media badge. Boba Fett action figure. Lock of Nancy Heinen’s hair. Unreleased CD of HyperCard for OS X. Copy of Schillerworld magazine. Hey, there’s my Apple iPad! Man, how did I not see that was just a Newton with a sticker on it that said “iPad”? Ha-ha! Ahhh, I was so young! Well, 37.

[TAKES A SWIG OUT OF A BOTTLE OF TRES GENERACIONES ANEJO TEQUILA THEN SHOUTS TO ABSOLUTELY NO ONE:] This isn’t a box of objects it’s a box of memories, dammit!

[LOOKING INTO THE BOX] And, um, something wrapped in aluminum foil that says “Rob Enderle’s liver”. I’m kind of afraid to open that. That’s from a weekend in Vegas I don’t remember anything of at all. Which is probably a good thing.

But…

Good times. And now… it’s all…

[SUDDENLY, A LOW HUM BEGINS TO FILL THE ROOM. IT CONTINUES TO GROW AS A WHIRLWIND BEGINS, SCATTERING PAPERS AND FLINGING THE BLINDS ABOUT. AS THE NOISE REACHES AN ALMOST DEAFENING LEVEL, A BRIGHT BALL OF WHITE LIGHT APPEARS, SENDING BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY SHOOTING TO THE NOW-EMPTY OUTLETS IN THE ROOM. A FIGURE EMERGES AS THE BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY CEASE AND THE HUM DIMINISHES. IT IS THE ENTITY, STILL IN THE FORM OF THE HOTNESS THAT IS JENNIFER FRICKING CONNELLY.]

MOLTZ: Hey! What are you doing here? You already left.

THE ENTITY: Re… appearing.

MOLTZ: Right. Well, it’s not that I’m not glad to see you, but we’re not really supposed to be in here. Our lease ran out today. I already gave the keys to the landlord. He just let me in here to clean out my desk.

THE ENTITY: Forgot… [WALKS OVER TO A TABLE AND PICKS UP A PEN] …my pen. Double booked in 4 billion years.

MOLTZ: Huh?

THE ENTITY: [THE ENTITY REGARDS THE PEN THOUGHTFULLY] Interesting. Future uncertain. Again.

MOLTZ: [RAISES THE BOTTLE OF TEQUILA] Well, you got that right. [TAKES A DRINK]

THE ENTITY: Unknown forces now in motion.

MOLTZ: Uh, is that something I should be concerned about?

THE ENTITY: No. Yes.

MOLTZ: Thanks. That’s helpful.

THE ENTITY: Well… goodbye! [TURNS TO THE LIGHT]

MOLTZ: Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of odd?

THE ENTITY: Jean-Louis Gassée.

MOLTZ: Yeah, well, he’s one to talk.

THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN TURNS BACK TO THE LIGHT BUT DOES NOT ENTER, AS IF CONSIDERING SOMETHING FOR A MOMENT. THEN POINTS INTO THE LIGHT.] You?

MOLTZ: Uh, you want me to come with you? You want me to step into the light?

THE ENTITY: Yes.

MOLTZ: But, uh, wouldn’t that mean I’m dead?

THE ENTITY: No. Opposite. Alive. Everywhere. Everywhen.

MOLTZ: Oh. Hey, you mean just like Captain Sisko?!

THE ENTITY: No!

MOLTZ: Uh, OK.

THE ENTITY: Stupid!

MOLTZ: Well, it seems pretty much the same. How’s it different?

THE ENTITY: Booze! Wii bowling!

MOLTZ: Oh. Well, those are good differences.

THE ENTITY: Pudding!

MOLTZ: You’re three for three.

THE ENTITY: Baked Lays!

MOLTZ: That’s not terribly surprising.

THE ENTITY: Manual stick transmission!

MOLTZ: OK, now it seems like you’re just shouting random things.

THE ENTITY: Crab!

MOLTZ: Oh. Chesapeake or Dungeness?

THE ENTITY: Don.

MOLTZ: Oh. Two B’s.

THE ENTITY: Yes. Or… not.

MOLTZ: Aye! [NODDING] There’s the rub.

THE ENTITY: …

MOLTZ: …

THE ENTITY: Coming?

MOLTZ: You know… um… no. Thanks. As tempting as spending eternity in a parallel universe is, with all the booze and pudding I can consume, surrounded by Mac pundits of yore and energy beings who can turn themselves into Jennifer fricking Connelly at will… I’m gonna stay here. But… thanks, man. For everything.

THE ENTITY: Ah. Chicken.

MOLTZ: What? No! Hey, I did go to the center of the galaxy with you to fight Tentaculous, if you remember.

THE ENTITY: Cross-town bus!

MOLTZ: Oh, fine. Maybe it was to you, but humans aren’t used to interstellar travel. And the in-flight movie was “Catwoman”! Dear god, that made me sicker than zero G and all the radiation combined.

Anyway… you take care of yourself.

THE ENTITY: Affirmative.

[THE ENTITY TURNS AND STARTS TO ENTER THE LIGHT]

MOLTZ: Oh… hey.

THE ENTITY: Hmm?

MOLTZ: What’s your name?

THE ENTITY: Name?

MOLTZ: You never told me your name. After all these years. Do you have one?

THE ENTITY: Yes.

MOLTZ: What is it?

THE ENTITY: [PAUSES BEFORE ANSWERING] Moof.

MOLTZ: Moof? No. Really?

THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN SHRUGS] Coincidence.

MOLTZ: [LAUGHS] OK. See you around?

THE ENTITY: [NODS] Round. Like… waffles.

MOLTZ: It always comes back to waffles, doesn’t it. Almost as if the universe were waffle-shaped or something.

THE ENTITY: Kumquat.

MOLTZ: Um… right. Well… you have a nice flight.

[THE ENTITY TURNS AND ENTERS THE LIGHT AS THE HUM RETURNS, BUT ONLY BRIEFLY. THE LIGHT SHINES BRIGHTLY AND THERE ARE SPARKS AND THE NOTHING.]

[MOLTZ LOOKS AROUND AT WHAT IS NOW ALMOST OFFICIALLY THE FORMER TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS.]

MOLTZ: I guess this is it. Jeez. Everybody’s gone but me. Chet. Vinz. Albert (whoever that is). Masako. Howard. Ugluk. Thor. The angry Scotsman. The highly effeminate half-Orc. Gloria the Sexbot. Tentaculous. Apple’s friend Gary….

[SCOOTER THE MAILROOM BOY BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, LABORIOUSLY CARRYING A LARGE BOX.]

MOLTZ: … Scooter the mail room boy…

SCOOTER: Oh! Mr. Moltz! You’re still here!

MOLTZ: Scooter, don’t interrupt me. I’m not through reciting names. Gordy, Glaarku…

SCOOTER: Oh, well, it’s just that… there’s a package for you.

MOLTZ: Really?

SCOOTER: Yeah. It came earlier. From a Mr. Skiller?

MOLTZ: Huh? “Skiller”? I don’t know any… Wait. Schiller?

SCOOTER: It’s kind of big. Do you mind giving me a hand? I think maybe it’s a monitor or something.

MOLTZ: You’re kidding.

SCOOTER: [READING] “30-inch Cinema Display”.

MOLTZ: No. Frakking. Way.

SCOOTER: That’s what it says.

MOLTZ: Well, how do you like that?

SCOOTER: Uh, well, it’s OK, I guess. It’s a little big for me, though. I live in an efficiency.

MOLTZ: Uh-huh. Yeah, well, fortunately that was a rhetorical question. Let’s load it into my car, Scooter, my good man. Because my work here…

…is done.

[THEY EACH GRAB AN END OF THE BOX AND MOVE INTO THE HALL. MOLTZ SHUTS THE LIGHT OFF WITH HIS ELBOW AND SWINGS THE DOOR SHUT WITH HIS FOOT. IT CLOSES WITH AN AUDIBLE CLICK OF THE LOCK.]

[THERE IS A BRIEF SILENCE.]

MOLTZ: Ah, crap. I think I just locked my car keys in there.

And my box of stuff.

And my bottle of tequila.

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF THE MARIMBA RINGTONE.]

And my iPhone.

[FOLLOWED BY THE PLAINTIFF BLEATING OF A SMALL BOVIDAE.]

And, uh, apparently, the evil goat.

Darn it.

483 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. So, is it all over? Really? After six years reading the site every week day (but never weekends)?

    The thing is, with this site, you never know when he’s serious. No, scratch that. It’s never serious.

    So he could be back. Could he?

    Does anyone know where Howard’s gone? Does he have his own dogblog?

  2. John:

    Thanks for wonderful humor. The Mac Web will be a more serious place in your absence – which is a shame. We all need sex-bots and evil mini-goats to keep the world interesting.

  3. Its over and done. Im not sure where to go from here. John, on behalf of … well I guess just me … I enjoyed every post. Ill keep an eye out for your name cropping up.

    PS, anybody got an idea on where to crash now?

    Coolhandluke signing off.

  5. (54?)

    To those of you still lurking:
    Why not say something for once? I’m going to.

    To John:
    Thanks! Have a wonderful time! :^)

  6. Right now probably isn’t the best time to bring this up, but shouldn’t it be “PLAINTIVE BLEATING”?

  8. blank: You might be right, but I think what Moltz is trying to say is that the goat is *so* evil, it sues people. Gratuitously.

  9. True. The goat is that evil–we’ve seen it.

    Whiskey’s all gone. Going to fall down now.

    Keep circulating the tapes…

  10. Dude, been reading since practically day one.

    You will be missed, my fave ep was when you and Jack Miller switched sites, first AtAT and now CARS both gone too soon.

    Maybe one day eh?

  11. Well, I for one refuse to change my name for a departing Entity, regardless of he/she/it hotness. Enjoy your vacation Moltz. Everyone above has al

  12. ready said most of what I was thinking, other than my friggin MBP keyboarding prematurely submitting the POST! 60/61. Good years

  18. A scream pierces the chill morning air.

    In the misty dawn a barefoot man dressed only in plaid, flannel pants discovers that the dog didn’t get put outside last night.

    May the farce be with you, Moltzie.

  23. Benny, Punxatawny Phil and I all chipped in to buy you dinner and a drink, John. Or lots of drinks, if you’d rather. Next time you’re back in Connecticut to spawn or whatever, try the tortellini and house wine at Portofino in Wilton or a whole pie and several cups of coffee at Penny’s Diner in East Norwalk or your choice of shooters at Breakaway in Southport. Or just enjoy yourself wherever and however. And when you raise that glass (or coffee cup) to take a big, satisfying swig (or belt), think of us all wishing you a speedy recovery from the suffering and heartbreak of Hiatus.

    …

    Um… you know, before you go, John, I do have just one more question… When I heard you’d come down with this Hiatus thing, I looked through my Medical Dictionary, and — funny thing — I couldn’t find it in there. Is this something new that they just discovered? Speaking as a friend… mayyybe you ought to look into getting a second opinion. I mean, for all you know, this “doctor” of yours just might be going around diagnosing “brain clouds” or something!

  24. Dammit I fell asleep. And got sued by Evil Goat. How she managed that being locked up and all is beyond me, but here´s the letter. And it even smells a bit strongly, sort of as final proof.

    In any case, and not ´cuz I´m forced by this legal threat, Moltz, as I said before, good things for you and… you´ll be back. I know it.

    Cheers
    Klayman

  25. “Only the bagel has the correct aspect ratio.” My favorite comment ever. Except for all the others. Like Rip Ragged’s “turgid Zune”.

  28. Damn, I just discovered this site in November and now its gone! Why do the things I love always die? John, where ever you are, keep spreading the good word!

  31. I don’t think I have ever been quite so upset at a website ending…I think that’s maybe because websites generally don’t “end,” they just kind of peter out so there is the infinite hope of them being updated even after 10 years of no updates.

    And, just because of what CARS is, I will probably still keep that same hope. In fact I kind of think that when I wake up Monday morning there will be a new post, something to the effect of “Dude, why are you still checking this site, I told you we were done for.”

    I think I could live with that. Maybe a good 10 years of that. A once a week post telling me in different ways how pathetic I am for waiting around for a dead website coming back to life. That’s the kind of love I have grown to expect from CARS.

    Here’s to waiting for that next post!

  33. And maybe the evil goat is bleating “plaintively.” Or perhaps it’s involved in a lawsuit. I dunno’.

    John, are you sure you’ve not been channeling Douglas Adams over all these years?

  35. In the true spirit of CARS…only 26 more posts to #111!

    Thanks for everything (well…most of it, anyway).

  36. 85!?!
    Damn, it got crowded at closing time. Hope somebody left some beer nuts – or at least some beer.

    John — Thank you. I’ve had fun, and others thought I was nuts while laughing hysterically at the computer. (I probably shouldn’t have been reading this at work, but that whole East Coast/West Coast time zone thing is a pain.)

    One last question: Is there such a thing as “unchartered accounting”?

  38. yep, first atat and now cars. and the site-switching episode was one of my favorites too. i think enderle is related to the evil goat.

  42. I suppose all good things must come to an end… Thanks for the great articles, your (inter)stellar journalistic practices. You will be sorely missed.

  43. Actually DR_Photo, that sounds like what AtAT should have done. CARS will probably just have crumbs from Baked Lays and waffles all ove rit, with no “real” rumors being reported.

  45. I would have gotten first post, but I’ve been “trapped” in a “resort” on the “beach” in Monterey without the internets. All paid for by our “government”.

    Fortunately, Jennifer fricking Connelly stopped by Café Sand and re-enacted the post for me over a heaping plate of waffles. She/it also left me some surplus whiskey and sexbots that the landlord found scattered around the CARS office. I can’t figure out how to turn these things on… OOHHOOHHaaaayeahatherewego.

  46. All right, Moltz. You know I desperately want that CD, and there you are taunting me with it, cleverly mentioning how you just casually tossed it in your box of memorabilia. For the love of Atkinson, John! If I didn’t know better, I say you did that just to be cruel!

    Very well, then… name your price and I’ll pay it. You’re holding all the HyperCards, and you know it.

    But keep this in mind, Moltz… don’t tell me you’re not going to part with it, because, one way or the other, I will have that CD!

    You know how to reach me…

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