Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site used to answer common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
But not any more.
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[THE TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS. THE OFFICE IS ALMOST EMPTY, THE DESKS ARE CLEARED AND A LONE FIGURE SITS PUTTING ITEMS INTO A CARDBOARD BOX.]
MOLTZ: Macworld media badge. Boba Fett action figure. Lock of Nancy Heinen’s hair. Unreleased CD of HyperCard for OS X. Copy of Schillerworld magazine. Hey, there’s my Apple iPad! Man, how did I not see that was just a Newton with a sticker on it that said “iPad”? Ha-ha! Ahhh, I was so young! Well, 37.
[TAKES A SWIG OUT OF A BOTTLE OF TRES GENERACIONES ANEJO TEQUILA THEN SHOUTS TO ABSOLUTELY NO ONE:] This isn’t a box of objects it’s a box of memories, dammit!
[LOOKING INTO THE BOX] And, um, something wrapped in aluminum foil that says “Rob Enderle’s liver”. I’m kind of afraid to open that. That’s from a weekend in Vegas I don’t remember anything of at all. Which is probably a good thing.
But…
Good times. And now… it’s all…
[SUDDENLY, A LOW HUM BEGINS TO FILL THE ROOM. IT CONTINUES TO GROW AS A WHIRLWIND BEGINS, SCATTERING PAPERS AND FLINGING THE BLINDS ABOUT. AS THE NOISE REACHES AN ALMOST DEAFENING LEVEL, A BRIGHT BALL OF WHITE LIGHT APPEARS, SENDING BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY SHOOTING TO THE NOW-EMPTY OUTLETS IN THE ROOM. A FIGURE EMERGES AS THE BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY CEASE AND THE HUM DIMINISHES. IT IS THE ENTITY, STILL IN THE FORM OF THE HOTNESS THAT IS JENNIFER FRICKING CONNELLY.]
MOLTZ: Hey! What are you doing here? You already left.
THE ENTITY: Re… appearing.
MOLTZ: Right. Well, it’s not that I’m not glad to see you, but we’re not really supposed to be in here. Our lease ran out today. I already gave the keys to the landlord. He just let me in here to clean out my desk.
THE ENTITY: Forgot… [WALKS OVER TO A TABLE AND PICKS UP A PEN] …my pen. Double booked in 4 billion years.
MOLTZ: Huh?
THE ENTITY: [THE ENTITY REGARDS THE PEN THOUGHTFULLY] Interesting. Future uncertain. Again.
MOLTZ: [RAISES THE BOTTLE OF TEQUILA] Well, you got that right. [TAKES A DRINK]
THE ENTITY: Unknown forces now in motion.
MOLTZ: Uh, is that something I should be concerned about?
THE ENTITY: No. Yes.
MOLTZ: Thanks. That’s helpful.
THE ENTITY: Well… goodbye! [TURNS TO THE LIGHT]
MOLTZ: Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of odd?
THE ENTITY: Jean-Louis Gassée.
MOLTZ: Yeah, well, he’s one to talk.
THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN TURNS BACK TO THE LIGHT BUT DOES NOT ENTER, AS IF CONSIDERING SOMETHING FOR A MOMENT. THEN POINTS INTO THE LIGHT.] You?
MOLTZ: Uh, you want me to come with you? You want me to step into the light?
THE ENTITY: Yes.
MOLTZ: But, uh, wouldn’t that mean I’m dead?
THE ENTITY: No. Opposite. Alive. Everywhere. Everywhen.
MOLTZ: Oh. Hey, you mean just like Captain Sisko?!
THE ENTITY: No!
MOLTZ: Uh, OK.
THE ENTITY: Stupid!
MOLTZ: Well, it seems pretty much the same. How’s it different?
THE ENTITY: Booze! Wii bowling!
MOLTZ: Oh. Well, those are good differences.
THE ENTITY: Pudding!
MOLTZ: You’re three for three.
THE ENTITY: Baked Lays!
MOLTZ: That’s not terribly surprising.
THE ENTITY: Manual stick transmission!
MOLTZ: OK, now it seems like you’re just shouting random things.
THE ENTITY: Crab!
MOLTZ: Oh. Chesapeake or Dungeness?
THE ENTITY: Don.
MOLTZ: Oh. Two B’s.
THE ENTITY: Yes. Or… not.
MOLTZ: Aye! [NODDING] There’s the rub.
THE ENTITY: …
MOLTZ: …
THE ENTITY: Coming?
MOLTZ: You know… um… no. Thanks. As tempting as spending eternity in a parallel universe is, with all the booze and pudding I can consume, surrounded by Mac pundits of yore and energy beings who can turn themselves into Jennifer fricking Connelly at will… I’m gonna stay here. But… thanks, man. For everything.
THE ENTITY: Ah. Chicken.
MOLTZ: What? No! Hey, I did go to the center of the galaxy with you to fight Tentaculous, if you remember.
THE ENTITY: Cross-town bus!
MOLTZ: Oh, fine. Maybe it was to you, but humans aren’t used to interstellar travel. And the in-flight movie was “Catwoman”! Dear god, that made me sicker than zero G and all the radiation combined.
Anyway… you take care of yourself.
THE ENTITY: Affirmative.
[THE ENTITY TURNS AND STARTS TO ENTER THE LIGHT]
MOLTZ: Oh… hey.
THE ENTITY: Hmm?
MOLTZ: What’s your name?
THE ENTITY: Name?
MOLTZ: You never told me your name. After all these years. Do you have one?
THE ENTITY: Yes.
MOLTZ: What is it?
THE ENTITY: [PAUSES BEFORE ANSWERING] Moof.
MOLTZ: Moof? No. Really?
THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN SHRUGS] Coincidence.
MOLTZ: [LAUGHS] OK. See you around?
THE ENTITY: [NODS] Round. Like… waffles.
MOLTZ: It always comes back to waffles, doesn’t it. Almost as if the universe were waffle-shaped or something.
THE ENTITY: Kumquat.
MOLTZ: Um… right. Well… you have a nice flight.
[THE ENTITY TURNS AND ENTERS THE LIGHT AS THE HUM RETURNS, BUT ONLY BRIEFLY. THE LIGHT SHINES BRIGHTLY AND THERE ARE SPARKS AND THE NOTHING.]
[MOLTZ LOOKS AROUND AT WHAT IS NOW ALMOST OFFICIALLY THE FORMER TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS.]
MOLTZ: I guess this is it. Jeez. Everybody’s gone but me. Chet. Vinz. Albert (whoever that is). Masako. Howard. Ugluk. Thor. The angry Scotsman. The highly effeminate half-Orc. Gloria the Sexbot. Tentaculous. Apple’s friend Gary….
[SCOOTER THE MAILROOM BOY BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, LABORIOUSLY CARRYING A LARGE BOX.]
MOLTZ: … Scooter the mail room boy…
SCOOTER: Oh! Mr. Moltz! You’re still here!
MOLTZ: Scooter, don’t interrupt me. I’m not through reciting names. Gordy, Glaarku…
SCOOTER: Oh, well, it’s just that… there’s a package for you.
MOLTZ: Really?
SCOOTER: Yeah. It came earlier. From a Mr. Skiller?
MOLTZ: Huh? “Skiller”? I don’t know any… Wait. Schiller?
SCOOTER: It’s kind of big. Do you mind giving me a hand? I think maybe it’s a monitor or something.
MOLTZ: You’re kidding.
SCOOTER: [READING] “30-inch Cinema Display”.
MOLTZ: No. Frakking. Way.
SCOOTER: That’s what it says.
MOLTZ: Well, how do you like that?
SCOOTER: Uh, well, it’s OK, I guess. It’s a little big for me, though. I live in an efficiency.
MOLTZ: Uh-huh. Yeah, well, fortunately that was a rhetorical question. Let’s load it into my car, Scooter, my good man. Because my work here…
…is done.
[THEY EACH GRAB AN END OF THE BOX AND MOVE INTO THE HALL. MOLTZ SHUTS THE LIGHT OFF WITH HIS ELBOW AND SWINGS THE DOOR SHUT WITH HIS FOOT. IT CLOSES WITH AN AUDIBLE CLICK OF THE LOCK.]
[THERE IS A BRIEF SILENCE.]
MOLTZ: Ah, crap. I think I just locked my car keys in there.
And my box of stuff.
And my bottle of tequila.
[THERE IS THE SOUND OF THE MARIMBA RINGTONE.]
And my iPhone.
[FOLLOWED BY THE PLAINTIFF BLEATING OF A SMALL BOVIDAE.]
And, uh, apparently, the evil goat.
Darn it.
Well, as long as I’m stuck here without the internets, I might as well have Jennifer fricking Connelly use her powers to grab post 100 for me.
You know, the batteries on these sexbots don’t last very long, and they aren’t even user replaceable! What am I going to do with this cold, frigid robot? Now it’s not any better than my ex. Hmmm, I guess it’s still usable.
Yikes, Apple Lopsider seems to be more powerful than the Entity!
The Moltzian epoch is brought to a close by its progenitor.
Epochs are short in the digital world, yet this one seemed so long.
Mornings will hitherto fore be diminished. sob. I guess mourning is next..
i am not going to rend my shirt though. This Moltzian time will remain with us…
we will climb on… we will remember with a tear and then move on…
move on to greater things.. we shall not falter..
where is that goat.. they are good climbers… aren’t they?
If i could just grab on to its tail… arrggg.
Thanks for the epoch JM.
‘nuf said
Yes. Does Bill Eccles
have this power? I think not.
…Bill bloody Eccles…
So long, Moltz, and thanks for all the fish. Hope you enjoy your three-week vacation in Vancouver (remember what I said: don’t forget to check out Stanley Park). You have my cell if anything comes up!
Long time reader, first time poster. Thanks for the mammaries Entity!
You may deny it,
But just as Moltz is Gruber
You are surely Bill.
Perhaps one day, millennia from now, info-archaeologists will look back and marvel at the improbable combination that was Crazy Apple Rumors. Clear evidence of humanity’s extra-dimensional, extra-terrestrial, and extra-ordinary contacts in the late 20th and early 21st century.
Thank you for saving us from Tentaculous, and letting us know how Apple saved us from the Cyber-Apocalypse.
Godspeed.
William Dyer, Miskatonic University
Bye bye CARS. It’s been emotional.
….
It would be a whole lot more emotional, of course, if Moltz told us where he’d left his big box of sexbots. Or even just sexbot parts. That would probably work out just as well. Except for any random sparking, of course.
Come on, just a little hint.
No . . . no?
Pffft.
Oh well, cheerio then.
No tears here—I’m in denial,
with my vicious crocodial.
*deep sigh*
Goodbye, John Moltz et al, and thanks.
I miss Howard already!
Goodbye and thanks for all the fish.
You folks sure get up early! I’m still recovering from last night, and that was a whole page of posts ago.
So, the accusations of who posts as whom have finally begun. Think I’ll wait a bit before revealing any of mine. ‘Cause I can’t remember them all right now. No “hair of the dog” in sight, either.
Dog?
Howarrrrrrrrd!
Whereever you go, there you are.
Goodnight, sweet prince.
thank you. goodnight
Hang on . . . *Moof*?
Started reading CARS soon after you started writing it John. Odd how some things stick in the mind though. Whenever I think of CARS my mind goes CARS>Bucket o’ iPods>Smile. There have been endless funny bits but Bucket o’ iPods just never gets old for me.
Whenever I run into folks who suggest that Mac folk take the whole thing too seriously I have always been able to point them at CARS and ask “Where is the PC equivalent of this then?”.
You will be sorely missed.
FYI, there will be a post – probably next week or maybe during the Super Bowl – about the site being on hiatus. Just so people don’t wander by and wonder “What’s all this, then?” And keep saying that over and over, not navigating away because of their continual wondering… what *is* all this, then?
Seriously gutted. Seriously.
Gruber better get a damn-site funnier, that’s all I’m sayin’.
Love you Moltz, you made I chuckle. Twice.
What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then?
What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then?
What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then?
What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then?
What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then?
What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then? What’s all this, then?
*sigh* I haven’t been this bummed since Gary Larson retired from “The Far Side”.
Although I suspect CARS will be back.
John is an Apple celebrity now. He’s not about to give that up.
Admittedly, John’s a “minor” Apple celebrity. Not a “major” one like Steve Jobs, Guy Kawasaki, Phil Schiller or the operator who starts off Apple’s Financial Results conference calls.
More like Shawn King, David Pogue or Woz. One of those guys.
But if it is the end – thanks for all the laughs. Definitely one of the few “must visit every day” websites out there. Great final episode, too.
Although the cyber-apocalypse was a bit of a let-down. I excepted more apocalypse. I mean after all, you’d been hyping that for years. Crisis on Infinite CARS was way better. Although canonically speaking, I guess that never actually happened.
So maybe the Battle with Tentaculous would be a better benchmark. Or the crossover episode with AtAT.
So many memories… that’s what, two or three right there?
Ooh! 11^2!
Anyway, thanks for all the good times… and good luck.
As a long time friend of Apple and CARS (and true to form, with something nice to say), It been a fun ride. Thanks. Will miss the daily fix. Have a good hiatus. We’ll be watching for what comes next.
#123 – at last!
All my dreams have come true. Good luck and may yours also come true…. except maybe that one about Henry the talking hamster.
Write when you find work.
Thanks for all the smiles…
Yeah…it was fun while it lasted!
Wow, this is weird. What can anyone possibly say? Mere words cannot express the raw emotions welling up inside. Not that we would admit to anything of the sort you know. Longtime reader, infrequent poster. Vaya con Dios, or not. It’s been real.
Where’s my 30″ Apple display
Ha! “Randy Skiller”, porn name… I just got it.
The ATaT switch episode was my favourite too cause it introduced me to CARS.
Thanks for all the giggles!
I’ll never forget the time you ordered all that Pretty Pink Princess coloring for your website and then you barked at my secretary. Am I remembering that right? Yeah that sounds right.
Keep that Moltz light a-shinin!
This isn’t the end of the end, or the beginning of the end. This is the middle of the beginning…
Hypercard eh? Does it work? We need another Myst game(Cyan/Broderbund style). I will pay millions in counterfit Monopoly money if you build it. Perhaps the CARS site can be run as a stack? from your iPad?
Thanks for making me want to boot my computer every day.
Installing a live webcam on the empty desk would help me stick around till the end.
I’m sad. I always get sad when things that I really love are gone. Thanks for everything. It was magic.
Party’s moved to Rip’s!
It’ll never be the same but it’s just as good in it’s different, other way.
Crap!
There’s a preview function for comments at Rip’s!
Thanks for all these years, John. CARS will be sorely missed by all of us (I think). Any hope your craziness will resurface somewhere on the Net?
Thanks again for everything! That was simply great.
Moltz? Anybody seen Moltz? Hmm, Strange, nobody here. Moltz …? Mo-o-o-l-tz ….
Sure is lonely here.
Humbug.
You all say how much you love this John Moltz guy, but what have YOU done to get him into Wikipedia. Shame on you.
Put your money where your mealy mouths are.
Thanks Mr. Moltz.
Like your other stuff too.
Keep up the good work.
Tim.
Thanks.
No more AtAT, no more CARS. And all the dolphins are gone, too. I’m going to grab a towel and find a bulldozer to lie (lay?) in front off.
Humorists of the “mere” sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration. Often is merely an odd trick of speech and of spelling. …Humor must not professedly teach, and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. By forever, I mean thirty years. … I have always preached. That is the reason that I have lasted thirty years.
– Mark Twain in Eruption
I’m not even gonna’ try and be clever, so I’ll just agree with everybody else here (well most of ’em). CARS was always on my short-list of bookmarks and will be sorely missed. Thanks, and good luck in whatever comes your way…
Call me a theorist, but I think something else is happening here.
Moltz!
Wow. Nice echo.
Let’s go for 150 as a good send off for John.
Pudding with custard?
byebye John, thanks…
will miss you!!! haven’t had more laugh-out-loud-weird-stare-from-co-workers-moments than with CARS.
Thanks for the years of laughter John & CARS staff.
Peace.
Hey, where’s Del?
Del?
Did you… (Choose Your Own Adventure!)
(a) leave with the Entity? (Turn to comment 136!)
(b) leave and head to Rip’s? (Turn to comment 132!)
(c) take up a… new… er… “line of work?” (Turn to comment 127!)
or
(d) curl up in the corner, sobbing with a turgid Zune? (Turn to comment 75!)
So long and thanks for all the fish.
Or posts, I guess it should read “…for all the posts.”
Um can I choose abcd?