Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site used to answer common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

But not any more.
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[THE TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS. THE OFFICE IS ALMOST EMPTY, THE DESKS ARE CLEARED AND A LONE FIGURE SITS PUTTING ITEMS INTO A CARDBOARD BOX.]

MOLTZ: Macworld media badge. Boba Fett action figure. Lock of Nancy Heinen’s hair. Unreleased CD of HyperCard for OS X. Copy of Schillerworld magazine. Hey, there’s my Apple iPad! Man, how did I not see that was just a Newton with a sticker on it that said “iPad”? Ha-ha! Ahhh, I was so young! Well, 37.

[TAKES A SWIG OUT OF A BOTTLE OF TRES GENERACIONES ANEJO TEQUILA THEN SHOUTS TO ABSOLUTELY NO ONE:] This isn’t a box of objects it’s a box of memories, dammit!

[LOOKING INTO THE BOX] And, um, something wrapped in aluminum foil that says “Rob Enderle’s liver”. I’m kind of afraid to open that. That’s from a weekend in Vegas I don’t remember anything of at all. Which is probably a good thing.

But…

Good times. And now… it’s all…

[SUDDENLY, A LOW HUM BEGINS TO FILL THE ROOM. IT CONTINUES TO GROW AS A WHIRLWIND BEGINS, SCATTERING PAPERS AND FLINGING THE BLINDS ABOUT. AS THE NOISE REACHES AN ALMOST DEAFENING LEVEL, A BRIGHT BALL OF WHITE LIGHT APPEARS, SENDING BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY SHOOTING TO THE NOW-EMPTY OUTLETS IN THE ROOM. A FIGURE EMERGES AS THE BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY CEASE AND THE HUM DIMINISHES. IT IS THE ENTITY, STILL IN THE FORM OF THE HOTNESS THAT IS JENNIFER FRICKING CONNELLY.]

MOLTZ: Hey! What are you doing here? You already left.

THE ENTITY: Re… appearing.

MOLTZ: Right. Well, it’s not that I’m not glad to see you, but we’re not really supposed to be in here. Our lease ran out today. I already gave the keys to the landlord. He just let me in here to clean out my desk.

THE ENTITY: Forgot… [WALKS OVER TO A TABLE AND PICKS UP A PEN] …my pen. Double booked in 4 billion years.

MOLTZ: Huh?

THE ENTITY: [THE ENTITY REGARDS THE PEN THOUGHTFULLY] Interesting. Future uncertain. Again.

MOLTZ: [RAISES THE BOTTLE OF TEQUILA] Well, you got that right. [TAKES A DRINK]

THE ENTITY: Unknown forces now in motion.

MOLTZ: Uh, is that something I should be concerned about?

THE ENTITY: No. Yes.

MOLTZ: Thanks. That’s helpful.

THE ENTITY: Well… goodbye! [TURNS TO THE LIGHT]

MOLTZ: Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of odd?

THE ENTITY: Jean-Louis Gassée.

MOLTZ: Yeah, well, he’s one to talk.

THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN TURNS BACK TO THE LIGHT BUT DOES NOT ENTER, AS IF CONSIDERING SOMETHING FOR A MOMENT. THEN POINTS INTO THE LIGHT.] You?

MOLTZ: Uh, you want me to come with you? You want me to step into the light?

THE ENTITY: Yes.

MOLTZ: But, uh, wouldn’t that mean I’m dead?

THE ENTITY: No. Opposite. Alive. Everywhere. Everywhen.

MOLTZ: Oh. Hey, you mean just like Captain Sisko?!

THE ENTITY: No!

MOLTZ: Uh, OK.

THE ENTITY: Stupid!

MOLTZ: Well, it seems pretty much the same. How’s it different?

THE ENTITY: Booze! Wii bowling!

MOLTZ: Oh. Well, those are good differences.

THE ENTITY: Pudding!

MOLTZ: You’re three for three.

THE ENTITY: Baked Lays!

MOLTZ: That’s not terribly surprising.

THE ENTITY: Manual stick transmission!

MOLTZ: OK, now it seems like you’re just shouting random things.

THE ENTITY: Crab!

MOLTZ: Oh. Chesapeake or Dungeness?

THE ENTITY: Don.

MOLTZ: Oh. Two B’s.

THE ENTITY: Yes. Or… not.

MOLTZ: Aye! [NODDING] There’s the rub.

THE ENTITY: …

MOLTZ: …

THE ENTITY: Coming?

MOLTZ: You know… um… no. Thanks. As tempting as spending eternity in a parallel universe is, with all the booze and pudding I can consume, surrounded by Mac pundits of yore and energy beings who can turn themselves into Jennifer fricking Connelly at will… I’m gonna stay here. But… thanks, man. For everything.

THE ENTITY: Ah. Chicken.

MOLTZ: What? No! Hey, I did go to the center of the galaxy with you to fight Tentaculous, if you remember.

THE ENTITY: Cross-town bus!

MOLTZ: Oh, fine. Maybe it was to you, but humans aren’t used to interstellar travel. And the in-flight movie was “Catwoman”! Dear god, that made me sicker than zero G and all the radiation combined.

Anyway… you take care of yourself.

THE ENTITY: Affirmative.

[THE ENTITY TURNS AND STARTS TO ENTER THE LIGHT]

MOLTZ: Oh… hey.

THE ENTITY: Hmm?

MOLTZ: What’s your name?

THE ENTITY: Name?

MOLTZ: You never told me your name. After all these years. Do you have one?

THE ENTITY: Yes.

MOLTZ: What is it?

THE ENTITY: [PAUSES BEFORE ANSWERING] Moof.

MOLTZ: Moof? No. Really?

THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN SHRUGS] Coincidence.

MOLTZ: [LAUGHS] OK. See you around?

THE ENTITY: [NODS] Round. Like… waffles.

MOLTZ: It always comes back to waffles, doesn’t it. Almost as if the universe were waffle-shaped or something.

THE ENTITY: Kumquat.

MOLTZ: Um… right. Well… you have a nice flight.

[THE ENTITY TURNS AND ENTERS THE LIGHT AS THE HUM RETURNS, BUT ONLY BRIEFLY. THE LIGHT SHINES BRIGHTLY AND THERE ARE SPARKS AND THE NOTHING.]

[MOLTZ LOOKS AROUND AT WHAT IS NOW ALMOST OFFICIALLY THE FORMER TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS.]

MOLTZ: I guess this is it. Jeez. Everybody’s gone but me. Chet. Vinz. Albert (whoever that is). Masako. Howard. Ugluk. Thor. The angry Scotsman. The highly effeminate half-Orc. Gloria the Sexbot. Tentaculous. Apple’s friend Gary….

[SCOOTER THE MAILROOM BOY BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, LABORIOUSLY CARRYING A LARGE BOX.]

MOLTZ: … Scooter the mail room boy…

SCOOTER: Oh! Mr. Moltz! You’re still here!

MOLTZ: Scooter, don’t interrupt me. I’m not through reciting names. Gordy, Glaarku…

SCOOTER: Oh, well, it’s just that… there’s a package for you.

MOLTZ: Really?

SCOOTER: Yeah. It came earlier. From a Mr. Skiller?

MOLTZ: Huh? “Skiller”? I don’t know any… Wait. Schiller?

SCOOTER: It’s kind of big. Do you mind giving me a hand? I think maybe it’s a monitor or something.

MOLTZ: You’re kidding.

SCOOTER: [READING] “30-inch Cinema Display”.

MOLTZ: No. Frakking. Way.

SCOOTER: That’s what it says.

MOLTZ: Well, how do you like that?

SCOOTER: Uh, well, it’s OK, I guess. It’s a little big for me, though. I live in an efficiency.

MOLTZ: Uh-huh. Yeah, well, fortunately that was a rhetorical question. Let’s load it into my car, Scooter, my good man. Because my work here…

…is done.

[THEY EACH GRAB AN END OF THE BOX AND MOVE INTO THE HALL. MOLTZ SHUTS THE LIGHT OFF WITH HIS ELBOW AND SWINGS THE DOOR SHUT WITH HIS FOOT. IT CLOSES WITH AN AUDIBLE CLICK OF THE LOCK.]

[THERE IS A BRIEF SILENCE.]

MOLTZ: Ah, crap. I think I just locked my car keys in there.

And my box of stuff.

And my bottle of tequila.

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF THE MARIMBA RINGTONE.]

And my iPhone.

[FOLLOWED BY THE PLAINTIFF BLEATING OF A SMALL BOVIDAE.]

And, uh, apparently, the evil goat.

Darn it.

483 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  2. I first discovered CARS when it became painfully evident that Jack Miller was MIA (and for going out with a notification rather than slowly collapsing I thank you Mr. Moltz). Now I’m concerned as to where this leave me, where am I going to get my daily dose of apple rumors, random non sequiturs and cthulhu mythos all rolled into one?

  3. You know how you’re successful at humor?

    Everybody keep staring at you afterwards and says, “No, seriously, there’s another joke coming, right?”

    Happened after Andy Kaufman died. Happens with great comedy movies where you stay through the end credits CONVINCED that they’re going to sneak something in when nobody’s looking.

    And it’s happening now with CARS, because I still don’t believe you’re really saying, “So long and thanks for all the fish.”

    So, you can’t fool me, Moltz. I know there’s gonna be an update tomorrow morning, right?

    Right?

    You know what, I’m gonna sit here and wait through the end credits anyway because, you know, I don’t want the movie to be over and I think maybe, through sheer willpower, I can get one last joke for the road. And it’s too crowded to walk out right now anyway.

    You guys will see. I’m the one who’s gonna get the last laugh, right?

    …

    Right?

  5. Oh for one more headline, one more Help Desk, one more MacWorld coverage. Thanks for all the insight and “true” rumors for the Apple elite.

    Good luck and have a great time in Barcelona.

  6. Well, John, it’s been a great several years, and I wish you every success.

    Unfortunately, I don’t know what I’m going to do without this site to visit for entertainment.

    Hmmm. Let’s see…

    “You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here.”

  7. D0c (and other fledgling archaeologists),

    Thanks to the benevolent Mr. Moltz, all tunnels are accessible but equally doomed.
    Here you go—

    The tunnel to the Tera-Post:
    /////////////////////
    ////////////////////
    ///////////////////
    http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/?p=782#comments
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

    The tunnel to the Giga-Post:
    /////////////////////
    ////////////////////
    ///////////////////
    http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/?p=235
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

    The tunnel to the pathetic abandoned Peta-Post:
    /////////////////////
    ////////////////////
    ///////////////////
    http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/?p=870
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

    The original Mega-Post is available (only in plain text form) here:
    http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/mt-export.txt

    Good luck in your travels!

  8. Drat, here it is Monday, and we’re all still here. I was hoping this was all some booze-fueled mirage, but apparently no such luck.

    Well, at least we’re not in some mirror mirror universe where the CARS staff are all evil and wearing goatees and stuff.

    Evil goatees?

    Evil-goat tees? Hmmm. Maybe selling shirts like that in a variety of sizes could have raised enough cash to save the site. I sure would have bought an evil-goat tee shirt or two.

    Wish I’d thought of that sooner…

  10. Hey! Look! Off in the distance! It’s… it’s some guy… on a motorcycle…. Who could it be?

    Oh. My. Gosh.

    It’s Phil Schiller!

    Just what the hell is he doing?

    Oh, I get it. That explains the ramp and the tank full of small but vicious-looking sharks.

    Ah, yes, he made it. No surprises there.

    Except for the whole motorcycle-stunt-rider thing. Didn’t see that in the 10-K.

  11. (And, yes, I got that idea from the podcast. John, that was… awkward. To deny your duality _on_the_air_… dude, you need professional help.)

    (520c*, PB3400, PBG3 (BK), iBooks, iBook 14″, PowerBook 12″, MacBook, MacBook Pro 15″, Air)

    (*this one no longer functions. The rest still work just fine.)

  12. But… but… if Moltz is not Gruber, then… then Bill Eccles is not Apple Lopsider! And… that! That simply cannot be!

  13. Listening to the MacUser podcast, I was reminded of the short-lived attempt to re-design this site. This led to finding a blast from the past on another humor site, now on infinite hiatus:

    http://perversiontracker.com/archives/000407.html

    Anyone else remember those heady days when seemingly inexhaustible herds of Apple-oriented humor sites still roamed the land?

  15. Thanks for sharing the laughs,
    … and the pudding,
    … and the venereal diseases.

    “Well, I’ll be going now”, (scuffs shoe on the ground, looking down at his own shoelaces). “You’ll call me, right? Cuz, we’ll still be friends even if we can’t hang out with each other anymore. Yeah, we’ll be friends forever.”

    He turns, wrapping himself more tightly in his tattered cloak; head down, and without looking back, walks away.

  20. Man, I’ll miss this action. I assure you there are plenty of us inside Infinite Loop who will miss this breath of fresh air everyday. Macnn doesn’t hold a candle when you’re on the inside. Gotta say the Ive makes only rectangles post made the rounds a while back. Dead. Nuts.

  21. 171st! Hope Moltz gets over his funk and the site doesn’t go the way of the Trojan Room Coffee Pot.

    It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

  22. Oh, yeah! I’d forgotten that Jack and Katie seemed to leave AtAT right about the time that Anya got a bit older. If their life is anything like mine, the concept of writing a daily blog fell strangely to the floor only to get swept up in the crap that seems to collect under the kitchen table if you have kids from 0 to (at the moment) 9 years old.

    I’ve only just started trying to write something daily and, like whassisface over at waxy.org, I want it to be original. But I’m taking the easy way out and half my material is plagiarized. The rest of my typical daily entry is a single sentence. How hard can that be?

    Turns out, it’s harder than it looks.

    And Moltz proved himself amazingly capable. As mentioned by others on the podcast (or, in Scientology-speak, “those who wish Katherine Heigl would breastfeed them, except that she smokes, so that would be a _bad_ thing”–rats. Thanks, Wikipedia!), John managed to write a plot-based website, fiction, made up every day, from scratch, like Grandma’s pancakes, day in, day out.

    Maybe I’d better give up on this whole Gruber/Moltz thing. I could be wrong.

    But I doubt it.

  24. Um, those would be Grandma’s pancakes, which is better, because, unlike a wafflemaker, with a griddle, you can get a whole heap of pancakes out at one time and you don’t have one kid or the other shortchanged a waffle while jealously watching the other one eating a waffle.

    And you can add chocolate chips or Craisins or M&M’s to pancakes. Don’t try that with a wafflemaker.

    But I digress…

  25. The secret is out. We know you’ve given up the rumors just so you can raid Karazhan. It’s ok, we don’t mind that you’re a cross dressing Blood Elf paladin. Really, it’s ok. Admitting it is just the first step though.

  26. Whaat’s all tis, hen?

    ……(read)…….(read)……..(read)….

    Oh, … well,…. this just bites.

    Best of lick Jon Moldz, yoou where like a brothel to me!!!!!

  27. Just re coiled (heat elements) a vintage ’50 GE waffle maker. Round and retro…. makes great waffles…. all shiny and chrome, barely plastic handles, all mica and ceramic on the inside.
    Nothing beats the smell of waffles in the morning…. or in the afternoon either for that matter.
    Now, i just have need of a sexbot to mix the batter for me… i will watch until the red light goes off… mmmmmm…
    CARS withdrawal is a bitch…

  28. Man, that was a long 2 week vacation. What did I miss…?

    WTF!?!?!

    At least the Evil Goat got to eat your stuff for leaving us.

    Good luck, take care. Your humor will be missed here. I better find it somewhere else.

  38. Wouldn’t it have been more appropriate for Moltz to end this crazy ride with a “Nothing today” post?

  42. Maybe it’s just a waffle induced hallucination but I swear I just saw Jennifer frickin Connelly nonchalantly waft by. Are there any other waftings to be reported elsewhere? Could be that our collective groupthink is instantiating her/it’s corporeal presence?

    Well c’mon, it worked for Tinkerbell.

  43. r.e. Ahnyer Keester’s post:

    Oh yes, Moltz should definitely just done ‘nothing today’.

    Although then we’d have missed out of the funny stuff.

    But, you know, sod that: I’ll take a ‘funny’ hit for a good old dose of Moltz-a-poppin irony.

    Ahhhh, I miss those days.

    How long has it been now? Since he left us.

    Pffft.

    How big did the Mega/Terra Post(s) get? Remind me. I feel a challenge coming on.

    Shall we just keep posting till he gives it up and comes back?

    He said he may on that Podcast thingy you kids are all into these days . . . just needs to feel he’s not merely recycling the same old crap.

    Jeez, does he need to a slap.

    Recycling the same old crap is pretty much my Modus Operandi.

    And Raison D’être.

    And other linguistic poncy drive shit that I can’t think of just now. (But check out my ability to remember where the Frog Keys are! I rule!)

    Indeed, it is precisely by this means that I aim to beat the Mega/Terra Post.

    Join me brothers, sexbots, and goats: onwards to recycley glory…

  44. MP #of posts 3777
    This is a guesstimate due to it no longer being available in numbered comment form.
    grep “COMMENT:” mt-export.txt | wc -l

    GP #of posts 2651 and growing

    TP #of posts 2160 and growing

    PP #of posts 120 and slowly limping upward

    Ace nice bit of tunneling. I think you are deserving of the TP coveted golden molerat award. Don’t worry it’s not naked. At least not since the incident.

  45. Attention please! May I have your Attention please!!!!

    Would the owner of the 1978 green Dodge, please report to the front desk.
    You need to buy a new car.

    Thank you. That is all.

  46. Thank Entity you weren’t talking about my vintage 1965 Baby Blue Corvair with on-the-dash push button automatic or my 1969 Chevy Impala convertible with the Entity-seeking Bong … er medicinal appliance, yeah. That one … sitting innocently on the dash as I experience the flashes of JFC-like Entity popping into existence. Damn. Just a UFO .. or police light.

    Sigh

  47. Re #158: I thought this always was booze-fueled. Silly me.

    Anyone know why for comments 101 and up, the low numbers are at the bottom? Bloody confusing, is what it is. And I’m not even British!

    A hollow voice says, “Fool.”

  48. There’s booze fueled, and there’s booze-fueled.

    After the first page fills, subsequent pages switch to latest post on top.

    And here I thought this was just going to be some pointless filler to help set someone up for 200.

    200, ni-hyaku, double-century…

    Oh. Right.

  49. I would go for the 200th, except I’m allergic to double zeroes. Plus, I just had my nails done.

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