Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site used to answer common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
But not any more.
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[THE TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS. THE OFFICE IS ALMOST EMPTY, THE DESKS ARE CLEARED AND A LONE FIGURE SITS PUTTING ITEMS INTO A CARDBOARD BOX.]
MOLTZ: Macworld media badge. Boba Fett action figure. Lock of Nancy Heinen’s hair. Unreleased CD of HyperCard for OS X. Copy of Schillerworld magazine. Hey, there’s my Apple iPad! Man, how did I not see that was just a Newton with a sticker on it that said “iPad”? Ha-ha! Ahhh, I was so young! Well, 37.
[TAKES A SWIG OUT OF A BOTTLE OF TRES GENERACIONES ANEJO TEQUILA THEN SHOUTS TO ABSOLUTELY NO ONE:] This isn’t a box of objects it’s a box of memories, dammit!
[LOOKING INTO THE BOX] And, um, something wrapped in aluminum foil that says “Rob Enderle’s liver”. I’m kind of afraid to open that. That’s from a weekend in Vegas I don’t remember anything of at all. Which is probably a good thing.
But…
Good times. And now… it’s all…
[SUDDENLY, A LOW HUM BEGINS TO FILL THE ROOM. IT CONTINUES TO GROW AS A WHIRLWIND BEGINS, SCATTERING PAPERS AND FLINGING THE BLINDS ABOUT. AS THE NOISE REACHES AN ALMOST DEAFENING LEVEL, A BRIGHT BALL OF WHITE LIGHT APPEARS, SENDING BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY SHOOTING TO THE NOW-EMPTY OUTLETS IN THE ROOM. A FIGURE EMERGES AS THE BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY CEASE AND THE HUM DIMINISHES. IT IS THE ENTITY, STILL IN THE FORM OF THE HOTNESS THAT IS JENNIFER FRICKING CONNELLY.]
MOLTZ: Hey! What are you doing here? You already left.
THE ENTITY: Re… appearing.
MOLTZ: Right. Well, it’s not that I’m not glad to see you, but we’re not really supposed to be in here. Our lease ran out today. I already gave the keys to the landlord. He just let me in here to clean out my desk.
THE ENTITY: Forgot… [WALKS OVER TO A TABLE AND PICKS UP A PEN] …my pen. Double booked in 4 billion years.
MOLTZ: Huh?
THE ENTITY: [THE ENTITY REGARDS THE PEN THOUGHTFULLY] Interesting. Future uncertain. Again.
MOLTZ: [RAISES THE BOTTLE OF TEQUILA] Well, you got that right. [TAKES A DRINK]
THE ENTITY: Unknown forces now in motion.
MOLTZ: Uh, is that something I should be concerned about?
THE ENTITY: No. Yes.
MOLTZ: Thanks. That’s helpful.
THE ENTITY: Well… goodbye! [TURNS TO THE LIGHT]
MOLTZ: Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of odd?
THE ENTITY: Jean-Louis Gassée.
MOLTZ: Yeah, well, he’s one to talk.
THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN TURNS BACK TO THE LIGHT BUT DOES NOT ENTER, AS IF CONSIDERING SOMETHING FOR A MOMENT. THEN POINTS INTO THE LIGHT.] You?
MOLTZ: Uh, you want me to come with you? You want me to step into the light?
THE ENTITY: Yes.
MOLTZ: But, uh, wouldn’t that mean I’m dead?
THE ENTITY: No. Opposite. Alive. Everywhere. Everywhen.
MOLTZ: Oh. Hey, you mean just like Captain Sisko?!
THE ENTITY: No!
MOLTZ: Uh, OK.
THE ENTITY: Stupid!
MOLTZ: Well, it seems pretty much the same. How’s it different?
THE ENTITY: Booze! Wii bowling!
MOLTZ: Oh. Well, those are good differences.
THE ENTITY: Pudding!
MOLTZ: You’re three for three.
THE ENTITY: Baked Lays!
MOLTZ: That’s not terribly surprising.
THE ENTITY: Manual stick transmission!
MOLTZ: OK, now it seems like you’re just shouting random things.
THE ENTITY: Crab!
MOLTZ: Oh. Chesapeake or Dungeness?
THE ENTITY: Don.
MOLTZ: Oh. Two B’s.
THE ENTITY: Yes. Or… not.
MOLTZ: Aye! [NODDING] There’s the rub.
THE ENTITY: …
MOLTZ: …
THE ENTITY: Coming?
MOLTZ: You know… um… no. Thanks. As tempting as spending eternity in a parallel universe is, with all the booze and pudding I can consume, surrounded by Mac pundits of yore and energy beings who can turn themselves into Jennifer fricking Connelly at will… I’m gonna stay here. But… thanks, man. For everything.
THE ENTITY: Ah. Chicken.
MOLTZ: What? No! Hey, I did go to the center of the galaxy with you to fight Tentaculous, if you remember.
THE ENTITY: Cross-town bus!
MOLTZ: Oh, fine. Maybe it was to you, but humans aren’t used to interstellar travel. And the in-flight movie was “Catwoman”! Dear god, that made me sicker than zero G and all the radiation combined.
Anyway… you take care of yourself.
THE ENTITY: Affirmative.
[THE ENTITY TURNS AND STARTS TO ENTER THE LIGHT]
MOLTZ: Oh… hey.
THE ENTITY: Hmm?
MOLTZ: What’s your name?
THE ENTITY: Name?
MOLTZ: You never told me your name. After all these years. Do you have one?
THE ENTITY: Yes.
MOLTZ: What is it?
THE ENTITY: [PAUSES BEFORE ANSWERING] Moof.
MOLTZ: Moof? No. Really?
THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN SHRUGS] Coincidence.
MOLTZ: [LAUGHS] OK. See you around?
THE ENTITY: [NODS] Round. Like… waffles.
MOLTZ: It always comes back to waffles, doesn’t it. Almost as if the universe were waffle-shaped or something.
THE ENTITY: Kumquat.
MOLTZ: Um… right. Well… you have a nice flight.
[THE ENTITY TURNS AND ENTERS THE LIGHT AS THE HUM RETURNS, BUT ONLY BRIEFLY. THE LIGHT SHINES BRIGHTLY AND THERE ARE SPARKS AND THE NOTHING.]
[MOLTZ LOOKS AROUND AT WHAT IS NOW ALMOST OFFICIALLY THE FORMER TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS.]
MOLTZ: I guess this is it. Jeez. Everybody’s gone but me. Chet. Vinz. Albert (whoever that is). Masako. Howard. Ugluk. Thor. The angry Scotsman. The highly effeminate half-Orc. Gloria the Sexbot. Tentaculous. Apple’s friend Gary….
[SCOOTER THE MAILROOM BOY BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, LABORIOUSLY CARRYING A LARGE BOX.]
MOLTZ: … Scooter the mail room boy…
SCOOTER: Oh! Mr. Moltz! You’re still here!
MOLTZ: Scooter, don’t interrupt me. I’m not through reciting names. Gordy, Glaarku…
SCOOTER: Oh, well, it’s just that… there’s a package for you.
MOLTZ: Really?
SCOOTER: Yeah. It came earlier. From a Mr. Skiller?
MOLTZ: Huh? “Skiller”? I don’t know any… Wait. Schiller?
SCOOTER: It’s kind of big. Do you mind giving me a hand? I think maybe it’s a monitor or something.
MOLTZ: You’re kidding.
SCOOTER: [READING] “30-inch Cinema Display”.
MOLTZ: No. Frakking. Way.
SCOOTER: That’s what it says.
MOLTZ: Well, how do you like that?
SCOOTER: Uh, well, it’s OK, I guess. It’s a little big for me, though. I live in an efficiency.
MOLTZ: Uh-huh. Yeah, well, fortunately that was a rhetorical question. Let’s load it into my car, Scooter, my good man. Because my work here…
…is done.
[THEY EACH GRAB AN END OF THE BOX AND MOVE INTO THE HALL. MOLTZ SHUTS THE LIGHT OFF WITH HIS ELBOW AND SWINGS THE DOOR SHUT WITH HIS FOOT. IT CLOSES WITH AN AUDIBLE CLICK OF THE LOCK.]
[THERE IS A BRIEF SILENCE.]
MOLTZ: Ah, crap. I think I just locked my car keys in there.
And my box of stuff.
And my bottle of tequila.
[THERE IS THE SOUND OF THE MARIMBA RINGTONE.]
And my iPhone.
[FOLLOWED BY THE PLAINTIFF BLEATING OF A SMALL BOVIDAE.]
And, uh, apparently, the evil goat.
Darn it.
Speak for yourself, JOn.
No comment.
oh rapturous joy. 1st on the 21st.
But it’s the twenty-second.
I’s brought you sum chocklate
… but I eated it..
Del,
You mean heated it. That’s why it became runny, now go and clean up.
Yes… but did a chicken drop it?
Let’s fill the hot tub with chocolate!!!!!!!
Maybe chocolate liquor as well.
Great idea! We can dip various items in the chocolate and sell them for Easter treats. Chocolate-dipped iPrairieDogs! How Eastery is that?
So what’s wrong with chocolate coated dogcows or catbulls.
Yes I know, catbull’s heads are too small, but crunchy.
I’d recommend huh?’s Pantsâ„¢, but he knows where I live…
Does the Air Book WiFi work when it is immersed in chocolate?
It might, but I’m useless when immersed in chocolate. How about you?
I’m classed as ‘Permanently Useless’.
I guess that is better than Permanently Pantsless.
Perennially clueless, unabashedly pantsless, shamelessly shirtless, poorly penniless, and bootless to boot. There’s a person who has only potential–nothing more, nothing less.
Geeze… You all are still here?!?
I thought Moltz had the power turned off by now…
Oh well.
Um… No one booted up the iPrairieDogs that were in the back room, did they?
They have a rather… um… unstable… yeah, unstable OS on ’em.
To save on electricity we combined bioluminescent fungi with geckos so now we’ve got lots of little glowy reptiles stuck around the ceiling and walls.
Oh.
So that’s what keeps pooping on me.
ok.
Yeah, huh?… I called them.
Do pregnant women and brides-to-be often sup on bioluminescent fungi?
Because people often tell them they’re “glowing.”
I always thought it was the brandy.
I always thought it was the spray paint.
I always thought it was the radioactivity.
Thought?
What’s that?
Isn’t that what happens when you pull a rope tight?
“I taut I taw a puddy tat.”
Mmmh, puddy…
First post on Leap Day!
Last post on leap day!
First post on Saint David’s Day.
Well I am Welsh, you know.
Happy March!
OBTW, the “Hiatus” post’s total number of comments are gaining on this post’s comments. If we were trying to turn this into the ExaPost (or whatever comes after Peta), we’re slacking off.
Speaking of slacking off, the so-called Peta-Post (http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/?p=870#comment-208343) has only a couple of pitiful people painfully positing pathetic pablum, and it’s far behind even this thread. Don’t bother trying to help out; it’s hopeless.
Ace,
My Granny used to have a motto, “Never say die.”
She did though.
What? No comments for yesterday? *sigh* Here’s today’s.
My contribution for the Fourth. It IS here. Don’t argue or I’ll cry.
Ha Nxxx you missed it.
I win!
O.K. I’ll try again.
The time here is 06:46:30 Greenwich (pronounced Grenich Mean Time) on Wed according to my Mac clock.
Therefore this is the first post on the Fifth.
Posting messages from the future doesn’t seem to work well here at CARS. You sent your message today, it arrived yesterday, and It got marked with the time it was received, not sent. Maybe Dr.Who can carry your correspondence so that it arrives when intended.
This is my comment for next Monday.
Misunderstood and rejected. Miserably says, “You’ll be sorry when I’m dead.”
*Leaves space for the ‘Oh no we wonts’*
“Oh no we won’t.”
Glad to oblige you.
P.S. Just kidding; we would miss you; there are so few of us left.
Hey I’m all about Zulu Time.
Del,
Where did you see the big zed or zee on clocks?
Over Zhere
So we are 10 comments behind th3e hiatus; let’s get Mooooving!
(The “3” is silent.)
Heeyah, giddyup!
Moo.
Oh… that was move… not moo. *sigh*
You’re not going to catch me this time as it might be a King Cobra or Giant Lemming.
You’re not going to catch me this time as it might be a King Cobra or Giant Lemming.
5 weeks and no updates , c’mon the joke is over. I need my fix. We got new Macbook and MBP’s. use your new time capsule and time machine to go back to June and Bet on the Giants to win the Superbowl. Then use the money you just won to fund the site.
NO SIR. You wont do a Psyko on me, I need both my arms to err, hmmm, mmm…..well do something anyway.