Keynote coverage – LIVE!

For the next five seconds while this open wifi network works! More later, if the person running it doesn’t hack my MacBook!

I’m here with Chris Breen, Craig Hockenberry and 10,000 others. I didn’t get their names.

9:03 – LIGHTS DIMMING!

Ladies and gentlemen…. PHIL SCHILLER! Thunderous applause and ladies panties!

9:05 – Holy crap, I’m not sure I even remember how to do this.

OK, Phil is showing us pictures of Apple Stores. And he’s proud to announce a new store is coming TO TACOMA!

The crowd is going wild!

New version of iLife. Phil STICKS IT to Microsoft! YES!

Which, really, is fair. They do suck. Badly. Have you noticed? What is the deal with that?

9:09 – Phil’s demoing a new face-recognition technology in iPhoto 09, but I think I’m really just stunned there’s an open wifi network in here.

But it’s pretty cool that you can find pictures of international criminals in your iPhoto library.

9:12 – Phil has shown Faces and now he’s showing Places. Next up Laces, an astonishing new technology that will put doilies on all your pictures.

Finally, Flickr and Facebook direct upload. What, no MySpace? Hey, Apple, 1999 called and said, um, hey, I know I’m 10 years ago but, um, er…

You know what? MySpace didn’t really call.

9:25 – Aaaand there goes the wifi. OK, now 3D themes for slide shows. Pictures will literally jump off the screen, so people are being warned that, if you’re a close typer, you should probably sit back a bit, particularly if any of your family members are especially pointy.

With face recognition, you no longer have to remember all those tedious names of people like, oh, your children or other loved ones. A quick look at your MacBook when a toddler comes into your room late at night afraid of monsters under the bed (when really it’s just hobos you’re subletting to) and you’ll be able to say “Go back to bed, Ali, it’s just the hobos.”

9:35 – You can add locations to all your events by just putting it on one pictures. Also, what’s even neater is you can lie to it and say you were in Paris when you were really you were at the Mall of America.

Or vice versa depending on how you roll.

New version of iMovie. Again! Shorter Apple: Help us! We can’t stop fucking with things! We need an intervention! Also, none of your projects will be backward compatible!

And now, an engineer will show us the changes.

Ha-ha! Right! C’mon, Apple! “Actual engineers” aren’t stylishly dressed, handsome and deep-voiced to the point of being a voiceover actor! I bet “Randy” isn’t even really his name. I bet he’s not even an Apple employee. I’LL BET HE’S NOT EVEN UP THERE RIGHT NOW!

9:45 – Image stabilization is nice, but even better is image decrapularization which makes your video, well, just more interesting. Let’s face it, your life in your parent’s basement is really not very interesting. And when you get your Star Wars collectibles out and play with them and record it, no one gives a shit. But with image decrapularization, your parents’ basement becomes a stylish nightclub and your Star Wars action figures become fabulous babes.

And you get removed completely.

9:55 – Garage Band will now teach you how to play either a guitar or a keyboard. Artists such as Sting and Norah Jones will actually teach you how to play their own songs! Further lessons will teach you how to develop a drug and/or sex addiction!

New version of iWork!

Oh, oh! Wait! There’s the beer guy! HEY! BEER GUY! HEY! BEER GUY!

What?

You don’t have any pale ale? OK. Well, when are you coming back? You have to go… OK. Well, see, I don’t want Bud Lite, is the thing. Is there another guy?

No, I don’t want hard lemonade. You know what? I’ll wait. I haven’t finished my gin and tonic yet anyway.

Oh, hey, Pages has a full screen mode! They just put Write Room out of business! Congratulations! You’re this year’s road kill! You’ll get your packet in the mail and Arlo Rose will give you a courtesy call and walk you through the process.

10:15 – The Mac Box Set is iLife, Leopard and iWork. It ships for $169 and comes with fries and a medium fountain drink.

iWork.com is a new collaboration tool for you and your friends to work on your little Battlestar Galactica fan fiction projects. Yeah, you fricking dweebs can upload your stupid alternative scenarios and whatever the hell it is you clowns do.

You people just make me sick.

Now, Apple fan fiction… writing that is pretty cool.

Man, you just can’t get through a keynote without someone filling the room with ass vapor.

Jesus.

Third thing – new 17-inch MacBook Pro. Aaaaand that’s it. All the aluminum in the world is now gone.

And, well, the 17-inch MacBook looks like you would imagine.

EXCEPT FOR THE HIGH-INTENSITY PHOTON PROJECTOR! YEAH! ZAP! PTZOOO! FZZZAT! Cut through diamonds! Power reactors! Slay your enemies! It’s the 17-inch MacBook Pro with a high-intensity photon projector!

And now, a video with Big Bob Mansfield.

Big Bob Mansfield. Ask for him by name. Accept no substitutes. There are a lot of knock-off chief hardware engineers out there. Big Bob Mansfield is not one of them. You’ve tried the rest, now try the best: Big Bob Mansfield.

Big Bob Mansfield is a subsidiary of Yoyodyne Propulsion Laboratories. Big Bob Mansfield is a meat-based product low in sodium. Big Bob Mansfield makes his own gravy.

Big. Bob. Mansfield.

Enjoy him with breakfast, lunch and, now, dinner. Big Bob Mansfield should not be taken by pregnant women or small children. Do not immerse Big Bob Mansfield in water, or he may get wet. When handling Big Bob Mansfield, always use white silk gloves, to avoid streaking. Big Bob Mansfield is available NOW from your grocer’s freezer section.

Big Bob Mansfield. He’s not tan, reasonably well rested and ready.

Big Bob Mansfield.

Thank you.

Oh, they also talked about a battery. For like 20 minutes.

Did you know that the new MacBook is completely recyclable? It’s true. But more than that, you can just eat it. Is it expensive to eat one? Sure. But don’t you deserve to eat something nice? Sure you do.

iTunes has sold over 6 billion songs. And I get the feeling they’re about to sell us a bunch more, just without all that fucking DRM.

3 new things for iTunes. Price. New tiers. You might get your songs for more or less, depending on how crappy your taste is and how desperate you are for the song.

iTunes Plus? Yep. 8 million songs DRM-free starting today, all of them DRM free before the end of the quarter. And you get to pay for them again! It’s a win-… uh, it’s a win!

I’m not complaining. I’m downloading. I know what side my bread is buttered on.

BOTH.

iTunes Music Store works now on 3G.

10:30 – And now a performance! But Steve isn’t here this year with his namby-pamby baby-boomer tastes.

SO, IT’S ALL-NUDE GIRLS ON REVIEW!

…

Oh, my god, no. It’s better.

TONY FUCKING BENNET.

Holy crap, I’m actually really excited.

“The Best Is Yet To Come” and “I Left My Heart In San Francisco”.

And there you have it.

(You’re god damned right there was a standing ovation.)