At a press conference today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs – in a stunning breach of precedent – revealed the product line Apple will be working on after the tablet. Never before has Jobs been so forthcoming with his plans and reporters were caught flat-footed, rushing to make the event after being notified just yesterday.
“It’s no secret we’re announcing a tablet on the 27th,” said Jobs. “And it’s going to be really special, so you’ll want to stay tuned for that. But I’m here to talk about what comes after the tablet.”
Jobs went on to reveal that Apple will be taking on an entirely new product set and blazing a trail in an industry that doesn’t even exist yet: the market for attractive human genitals.
“Look at your genitals!” Jobs said to the gathered reporters. “They’re a mess! All hairy and wrinkly with flaps of variously-shaded skin all over and stuff. Ew. I don’t know who designed them but…
“No, don’t look at them now!” Jobs said suddenly. “Look at them later!
Jobs believes this market – like those of the digital music player and the cell phone before it – is full of sub-standard products and ripe for the kind of shake-up Apple specializes in.
“I’m not talking about genitals that are larger,” Jobs said. “Although, yes, in some instances they will be larger than what you’re currently used to. David.
“No, I’m talking about genitals that are simply better designed and more aesthetically pleasing.”
According to Jobs, male members will be constructed from a new synthetic human tissue that collapses into a more attractive shape when not in use. The scrotum will be a replaceable peripheral in easily identifiable ‘fully loaded’ and ‘firing blanks’ versions. Women’s parts, meanwhile, will be almost invisible from the outside, not have those monthly “maintenance” issues and include a revolutionary new security mechanism.
Jobs indicated that he was taking the unusual step of announcing Apple’s entry into the genitals market because he felt certain the no one would be able to ramp up fast enough to catch the company.
“I’ve seen some of the designs Jonny [Ive] has been working on,” Jobs said. “He’s been doodling them in a notebook for years and I finally said ‘What is that? It looks like a woman’s hoo-ha. But without all the messy bits.’”
Ive smiled nervously in the front row.
“Clearly, Jonny had spent a lot of time thinking about this,” Jobs said. “I mean a lot of time.”
Apple’s male genitals are expected to gently enter the market some time this summer around 7:00 PM, with the female genitals coming about fifteen minutes later. And then again fifteen minutes after that.