INEXPLICABLE LIVE AND LATE COVERAGE OF IPHONE 4.0 EVENT

10:20 – HOLY CRAP!

The Brains managed to create some kind of time/space rip and Stock Photo Guy and I are IN APPLE 4 AT THE EVENT (but also not in Apple 4 at the event, much like Schrodinger’s rumor site editor, if you take my meaning).

DID SOMEONE ASK FOR MULTITASKING? BECAUSE HO-LY BEJEWELED BEJEEZUS…

What? No one asked for multitasking?

Really?

I thought…

Huh.

10:25 – OK, catching up: 185k apps at the App Store, 600k iBooks sold (what?!), 1 million iPad apps sold, 450k iPads sold and the special at Caffe Macs today is poached cod.

REPEAT: POACHED COD IS CONFIRMED. There was a lot of late speculation that the smell was fish tacos, but it’s POACHED COD.

10:27 – Multitasking details: it’s actually a Mobile Me web service. You send your stuff to be “multitasked” and Mobile Me send you back a failure notice. Still… MULTITASKING! YES!

10:35 – They’re doing a Skype example. There’s an audio API apps can use to keep audio going while you switch to other apps. I can envision an App that’s just the sound of your mother’s voice berating you over and over and over again telling you you’ll never be good enough and why can’t you be like that nice Bobby Wetherstein from down the street who went into investment banking and married that heiress? Oh, Bobby’s such a nice boy and he would never get into something as stupid and unlucrative as Apple rumors. Why Bobby is the kind of boy who opens the door for his mother and sends her flowers and lives close by so she can watch her grandchildren grow up and enjoy her…

Aaaaaand I just smashed my iPhone to pieces.

10:45 – So, Voice over IP API confirmed, but we’re still waiting on confirmation of pudding over IP.

Folder will allow you to categorize the 185k apps you have on your iPhone, i.e. “Useless Time Suckers”, “Shameful, Dirty”, “Flashlights” and “Apps Recommended By Merlin That I Can’t Figure Out”.

10:50 – CONFIRMED: MAIL TO HAVE UNIFIED INBOX BUT MOBILE ME WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK. MORE UPDATES AS THESE EVENT UNFOLD.

Also, Mail will have Fast Inbox Switching.

…

Seriously, I don’t even know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean.

What the fuck is so complicated about email, people? I mean, what kind of voodoo bullshit are you doing in there? You get an email, you read it, you reply or not and you delete it. It’s not fricking nookleeur physics.

Whatever. Enjoy your “Fast Inbox Switching”. Assholes. Jesus. I mean… GOD.

11:04 – iAds. AWESOME. Now we can watch ads on our iPhones. YES. At long last. The feature we’ve all be asking for. Our long national nightmare is over. All hail our wise corporate overlords who always have our best interests at heart. We have always been at war with Eurasia.

OK, I’m sure it’ll be nice for developers. Who are pasty and awkward and really the only way they’ll get through life is by making gobs of money. So… there’s that.

11:05 – Man. I got jaded since the last time I did this.

11:06 – Forget it! iAds are done in HTML 5, not Flash! Ha-ha! LOL. FAIL. It’ll never work! Only Flash provides the seizure-inducing technology that stimulates the eyeball beyond the ability of your nervous system to control! Only Flash will drag the operating system down to a halt so that the user is incapable if switching to another application! Adobe Flash! Ask for it by name!

11:10 – That’s it! Actually, there’s a Q&A going on in there right now but someone finally noticed us and threw us out. Which is kind of a problem because we left our vortex in there and now I’m not sure how we’re going to get back home.

Anyone driving from Cupertino to Tacoma?

Anyone?