08 Apr 10INEXPLICABLE LIVE AND LATE COVERAGE OF IPHONE 4.0 EVENT

10:20 – HOLY CRAP!

The Brains managed to create some kind of time/space rip and Stock Photo Guy and I are IN APPLE 4 AT THE EVENT (but also not in Apple 4 at the event, much like Schrodinger’s rumor site editor, if you take my meaning).

DID SOMEONE ASK FOR MULTITASKING? BECAUSE HO-LY BEJEWELED BEJEEZUS…

What? No one asked for multitasking?

Really?

I thought…

Huh.

10:25 – OK, catching up: 185k apps at the App Store, 600k iBooks sold (what?!), 1 million iPad apps sold, 450k iPads sold and the special at Caffe Macs today is poached cod.

REPEAT: POACHED COD IS CONFIRMED. There was a lot of late speculation that the smell was fish tacos, but it’s POACHED COD.

10:27 – Multitasking details: it’s actually a Mobile Me web service. You send your stuff to be “multitasked” and Mobile Me send you back a failure notice. Still… MULTITASKING! YES!

10:35 – They’re doing a Skype example. There’s an audio API apps can use to keep audio going while you switch to other apps. I can envision an App that’s just the sound of your mother’s voice berating you over and over and over again telling you you’ll never be good enough and why can’t you be like that nice Bobby Wetherstein from down the street who went into investment banking and married that heiress? Oh, Bobby’s such a nice boy and he would never get into something as stupid and unlucrative as Apple rumors. Why Bobby is the kind of boy who opens the door for his mother and sends her flowers and lives close by so she can watch her grandchildren grow up and enjoy her…

Aaaaaand I just smashed my iPhone to pieces.

10:45 – So, Voice over IP API confirmed, but we’re still waiting on confirmation of pudding over IP.

Folder will allow you to categorize the 185k apps you have on your iPhone, i.e. “Useless Time Suckers”, “Shameful, Dirty”, “Flashlights” and “Apps Recommended By Merlin That I Can’t Figure Out”.

10:50 – CONFIRMED: MAIL TO HAVE UNIFIED INBOX BUT MOBILE ME WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK. MORE UPDATES AS THESE EVENT UNFOLD.

Also, Mail will have Fast Inbox Switching.

Seriously, I don’t even know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean.

What the fuck is so complicated about email, people? I mean, what kind of voodoo bullshit are you doing in there? You get an email, you read it, you reply or not and you delete it. It’s not fricking nookleeur physics.

Whatever. Enjoy your “Fast Inbox Switching”. Assholes. Jesus. I mean… GOD.

11:04 – iAds. AWESOME. Now we can watch ads on our iPhones. YES. At long last. The feature we’ve all be asking for. Our long national nightmare is over. All hail our wise corporate overlords who always have our best interests at heart. We have always been at war with Eurasia.

OK, I’m sure it’ll be nice for developers. Who are pasty and awkward and really the only way they’ll get through life is by making gobs of money. So… there’s that.

11:05 – Man. I got jaded since the last time I did this.

11:06 – Forget it! iAds are done in HTML 5, not Flash! Ha-ha! LOL. FAIL. It’ll never work! Only Flash provides the seizure-inducing technology that stimulates the eyeball beyond the ability of your nervous system to control! Only Flash will drag the operating system down to a halt so that the user is incapable if switching to another application! Adobe Flash! Ask for it by name!

11:10 – That’s it! Actually, there’s a Q&A going on in there right now but someone finally noticed us and threw us out. Which is kind of a problem because we left our vortex in there and now I’m not sure how we’re going to get back home.

Anyone driving from Cupertino to Tacoma?

Anyone?

56 Responses to “INEXPLICABLE LIVE AND LATE COVERAGE OF IPHONE 4.0 EVENT”

  1. Aaron "Dad" says:

    One plus the square root of five, over two

  2. michael says:

    IT BURNS!

  3. Fivers!!! All multitasked!

  4. Matt J says:

    You made no mention of the most important part of the announcement. The Calculator app has a new icon.

  5. U D Mann says:

    7th

  6. bcompton says:

    EIGHT EIGHT I FORGET WHAT EIGHT IS FOR

  7. Barbasol of PantsDown says:

    Oh how I’ve missed you CARS.

  8. ChiefZonker says:

    X

  9. ballookey says:

    “Apps Recommended By Merlin That I Can’t Figure Out”

    LOVE IT.

    How about, “Apps Recommended By Leo That Actually Suck Balls”?

  10. wow says:

    Make it a dozen!

  11. Sudo Nym says:

    At last, at last!!! Ever since the Apple III I’ve been eagerly awaiting the Apple 4.

    But I kinda thought it would be in Roman numerals. Which meant there was a lot of suspense to see whether it would be Apple IV or Apple IIII, like some old clocks. Well, the suspense is finally over!! Yes!!!

    A part of me wishes I had the last 30 years back.

  12. Sue says:

    Now I have to get a new iPod. Sigh.

  13. John Moltz says:

    THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENT, BEN.

  14. Zo says:

    Who’s Ben and why does *he* get a personal thank you.

  15. iMoo says:

    Serious? It’s not fish tacos?

  16. brookr says:

    MY IPHONE OS IS SO SINGLEY

  17. Brother Mugga says:

    Hang on . . . what’s an iPhone?

    Surely Our Lord Jobs has not miracled us with eyes that can *hear*?

    Oh wonderous pseudo-synesthesia!

    Man I’m tired.

    Or am I actually left-handed, and just *perceiving* it as tired.

    Oooooh, spooky.

    No, I’m definitely tired.

    Bo-bo’s coming….

  18. Sleepy says:

    Wait. There aren’t any numbers on the comments. How do you people know what post you are?

    Anyway, this one is last. Just like the jaded and pathetic (but still amusing) Moltz.

  19. fatbo says:

    “we play 21”

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    I didn’t receive an invitation, or I would have commented sooner.

    Pudding over IP, particularly wireless, is so long overdue that it’s not even funny anymore. If it ever was.

  21. Nxxx says:

    Posted yhe first one, so wondering whether it is worth reading Gruberpost.
    Nah, can’t be bothered.

  22. Huh? says:

    Now iMoo, don’t fret over the lack of fish tacos… You’ll be getting some tasty San Diego fish tacos in just a few days.

    Personally, I just want a new MBP so bad it hurts… in all the wrong places.
    My Pants™ say it’s their fault, but I can’t place the blame wholly on them.

  23. Steve G. says:

    Mmmmm…. pudding over IP.

    Will the IP multitask and frickin’ hurry up and get me the damned pudding?!?

    W

  24. eyeteegee says:

    Multitusking. Now that would be cool. Like Elephants. Cor.

    eyeteegee
    HTC HD2
    Windows Mobile 6.pants SHUTUP! SHUTUP!

  25. iMoo says:

    Any ideas on the particular flavor of pudding? I would imagine the tapioca would be a little weird.
    Unless of course it’s pudding in the British sense… that’s a whole new cow pasture…

    @Huh?: 🙂

  26. Huh? says:

    Due to the unusual packet structure, tapioca requires no less than a Gigabit Ethernet connection. It’s essentially an IEEE 802.3ab system, with a (highly) modified physical layer.
    The proposed 802.3pu architecture will allow most non-particulate puddings, while the extended 802.3px will incorporate significantly larger packet sizes, yet maintaining adequate flow control.
    Pudding over IP (POIP) on 802.11 networks is still in the conjecture stage, as the matter/rf converters don’t yet exist.

  27. Steve G. says:

    What if we could request pudding via IP, but it was delivered by trebuchet? Still would need to work on the longer distance problem…

  28. iMoo says:

    hummm… I kinda got stuck right around IEEE. Made me think of a Far Side strip involving bugs and a windshield.

    That Gary Larson is a funny guy.

  29. Huh? says:

    @ iMoo: That would be AYIEEEEEEE!!!!! in that instance.

    @Steve G.: POIP on a trebuchet physical layer works great for outbound traffic, but error correction and packet retrieval is a mess.

  30. iMoo says:

    One more concern… what if it’s Schrodinger’s Pudding?

    I’m just saying…

  31. Office Security Camera says:

    I can confirm the fact that it was indeed poached cod. I would have recognized fish tacos from my years of service back at CARS World Headquarters.

  32. buthidae says:

    I’m thrilled that I’m not the only person that noticed the NEW CALCULATOR ICON

  33. Huh? says:

    Schroedinger’s Pudding? Well, as long as you don’t look at it…

  34. Tentaculous says:

    You can hitch a ride back through space-time with me, if you like, John.

    Mwahahaha!

  35. Tentaculous says:

    Ahem… Excuse me… Just ignore that maniacal laughter. It just slipped out … doesn’t mean anything … thanks.

  36. Daid Nunez says:

    Youth, does the IPAD take you through the time/space continuum? Is that an app?

  37. Steve G. says:

    @Huh?: Could we use one of Del’s squittens as a CRC for the POIP? Or would they just eat it all?

  38. Ace Deuce says:

    The squitten squadron is still picking away at the poached cod, and will soon put teeth to a feast of beef broth and beets.

    Wireless pudding is on the dessert menu. Schrodinger’s Pudding is neither on it or off it, so far…

  39. Ace Deuce says:

    And the waiter just brought wine in a Klein bottle. When I complained that he spilled some on me, he retorted that that was impossible as all the wine was still in the bottle, so I must have fallen in. It’s sad they can’t find good wait staff even in this economy.

  40. blank says:

    Poached cod? Call me when it’s Big Island-style fish tacos. With ahi. Or maybe ono. Opah for sure. I mean it.

    What was Jobs on about again? Pie?

  41. Huh? says:

    @Steve G.- You’d have to check with Del for squitten compatibility. I would think there would be some line loss, though.

  42. […] You may question whether adding ads to your iPhone is a “feature.”  As John Moltz humorously noted on his website: iAds. AWESOME. Now we can watch ads on our iPhones. YES. At long last. The feature we’ve all be […]

  43. Mistah Dikshunairy says:

    Dat’s “nookewlar,” yo.

  44. The Highly Esteemed Yoyo says:

    Where are the numbers!? I can’t tell what number I am!!!11!!

    I’m assuming 11

    YES!!

    Also, 8 is for Alzheimers.

  45. Ace Deuce says:

    If 46=11, then eleven you are. And it’s your week to feed the Brains Under Glass.

  46. The Highly Esteemed Yoyo says:

    But I don’t like the brains. They keep on emitting that weird humming noise that causes a throbbing pain behind my eyeballs as if my head is about to explode. Also, I lost one behind the fridge and I can’t get it out.

  47. Nxxx says:

    What, your head?

  48. Steve G. says:

    Ace, where can I get some Under Glass to feed the Brains? And with no mouths or teeth, how can they chew it?

    W

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