Oh, what the hell.
10:17 – So far, NO ANNOUNCEMENTS. There was a filmstrip and it broke in the middle and Scott Forstall couldn’t fix it so Bob Mansfield took everyone outside for fifteen minutes to play kickball. Now we’re back inside.
10:21 – Phil Schiller has taken the stage and is announcing that, as only Apple could do, the company is CANCELING its entire line of highly popular MacBooks. Schiller says you will love their new line of netbooks featuring plastic enclosures. Stunned silence. Schiller coughs. Then leaves the stage.
10:25 – Tim Cook retakes the stage. His shirt is untucked and you can see his Cesarean scar. Very disturbing. He keeps massaging it idly.
10:30 – There’s some confusion. Schiller and Cook are struggling with the microphone. Schiller wins! He’s announcing a Next Generation MacBook Pro! Cook is still trying to grab the microphone, but Schiller is holding him at bay, his palm placed flatly on Cook’s forehead as Cook swings wildly at Schiller! The Next Generation MacBook Pro features a fabulous new design they call “chunky”! It has an industry-leading 8 VGA ports, a floppy drive and a SCSI port for all your peripherals!
10:33 – Cook performs an Aikido move on Schiller and hurls him into the stands, snatching the microphone! He disowns him! “You’re no son of mine! I have no son!” Then he returns to massaging his Cesarian scar, with even more vigor.
10:38 – FEED IS DOWN TEMPORARILY. WE NOW SWITCH YOU LIVE TO THE GIZMODO COVERAGE.
Next Generation MacBook Pro. Screen has a lot of pixels but isn’t 3D. Lame.
10:43 – OK, we’re back. Next Generation MacBook Pro has a fan with blades that are spaced asymmetrically. If you have OCD, please check with your therapist before buying this laptop.
10:46 – Next Generation MacBook Pro is $2,199 and is so fast it shipped three weeks ago and you didn’t even notice it.
10:50 – Craig Federighi has taken the stage to talk about OS X and I’d like to point out that “Craig Federighi” is a FAKE name. His real name is “Craig Fahgahbooooooooooooza.”
10:54 – Something something iCloud. Something something Mountain Lion. Something something Messages. OK, I’m actually at the concession stand getting some peanuts and Red Vines.
10:59 – Did you know Apple’s been selling its own line of hand-crafted blender mayonnaise for five years?
Huh.
11:02 – Power Nap keeps your Mac up to date while you sleep. It handles your calls and takes care of your kids. It’ll call you mom and even service your wife. In fact… YOU NEED NEVER WAKE UP EVER AGAIN. DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN.
11:07 – An hour in and a stranger enters. He wanders about the stage, curiously dressed in turn of the century garb with a curled mustache and a cane. It’s as if no one sees this stranger. They continue on demonstrating operating system features while the stranger looks over their shoulders and smiles an evil grin. He tips his top hat and departs as the audience feels a shiver go down their spine.
11:16 – Now, iOS 6.0! “Siri has been out for 8 months and has been studying up.” That’s why she hasn’t had time to answer anything you’ve asked her.
11:22 – Siri is now ready to talk about your relationship with her and what YOU’VE done to try to improve things. SHE CAN’T DO EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW.
11:25 – Facebook. Barf.
11:27 – New feature: Do Not Disturb. It’ll turn off your phone. Apple will also be shipping the Do Not Disturb iPhone that has no phone! … Yes, it’s an iPod touch. But think of the hours of your life you’ll get back!
11:32 – “Look, seriously, we are just completely out of ideas since Steve died.”
11:38 – Apple introduces a new app: Coupon Clipper. No more taking that giant purse to the grocery store with all those coupons in them! Coupons are stored conveniently in an app! You’ll save as much as 17 cents on toilet paper!
11:46 – New Maps! Features Turn By Turn navigation and Flyover, a 3D view. Note that Flyover is not available in so-called “Flyover” states because, according to Scott Forstall, “no one cares about them. Seriously, the data isn’t even available. We looked. Not real hard, but we looked. There’s like the Corn Palace and that’s it.”
11:54 – Tim Cook returns to deliver One More Thing! LIVE SNAKES! AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE! OH, GOD, THE SNAKES! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE! HELP ME! PEOPLE ARE RUNNING AND TRAMPLING OVER EACH OTHER! OH, THIS IS HORRIBLE! I’VE BEEN BITTEN BY WHAT I BELIEVE IS A CORN SNAKE. I’M… I’M FADING… PEOPLE RUSHING PAST. ANOTHER SNAKE IS NEAR MY FACE. OH, NO. DEAR GOD, NOOOOOOOOOO
Oh, yeah, Like them floppy drives.
Oh, and First AND Second. Nyan, nyan, nyan.
Wow, I haven’t seen this much activity on RSS in months!
Turd
Just when I was going to give up on CARS……
fifth!
So then what happened? Did @MrsMoltz get that PowerNap thingy?
This is the coverage I expected over at A Very Nice Web Site! Odd, but it can be that way when snakes are involved.
Eighth!
PowerNap seemed a bit, well, underwhelming. If I wanted my machine on to get mail, etc., I’d leave my machine on…
“I’ve been bitting by…”
Best bit of tech journalism I’ve seen. Ever.
John Moltz is alive?
Dispatch Space Rocket Ajax…!
“returns to massaging his Cesarian scar, with even more vigor.”
I lol’d.
Really.
My Pantsâ„¢ were most disappointed in the “New” Mac Pro. They’re actually quite put off by the whole thing.
It isn’t pretty.
Trust me.
Power Nap seems to imply sexbots in some way.
He is risen!
You are talking about John, aren’t you Nxxx? Not Huh?’s ‘pantal-area’.
Cesarean scars, snakes, /and/ sexbots! No wonder it sold out in an hour! Did the front row get to touch it (any of the above)?
In fairness, shouldn’t Power Nap also service your husband?
My only regret is that I didn’t start at the bottom of the post and read upward in the proper chronological order. Spoiled the surprise of Mr. Moltz being “bitting.”
[Silly crosses his arms and looks off to the side while scowling.]
Hmpf! This whole “snakes” thing is probably just some excuse for not posting again for another three months…
I’ve had it with these motherlovin’ snakes in this motherlovin’ post!!
Sexbot, please kill all the snakes.
“An hour in and a stranger enters”
“massaging his Cesarean scar”
“filmstrip” / “kickball”
Great stuff! Very funny.
Well, just because there are snakes everywhere and complete mayhem, is that any excuse to misspell bitten? Sheesh. Even us job stealers here in Outsourceistan know better.
And we’re bitter.
But mostly we’re bitter because sexbots were implied, especially snake-killing sexbots. But where’s the lesbians and the ninjas?
Gupta,
They were lesbian ninjas. And you didn’t see them because they are, well, ninjas.
Wow! Not only do we get all the news the others miss, but we get the entire Gizmodo feed to boot! Great value! AAAAAA+++++!!!
I was reading the above post, just thought of a proposition. I represent, an auto website myself (we are helping them with few activities). We have over 46,000 FB members. We are looking for ways by which we can create some values together.
We can give you 500 Facebook fans in return. Let me know if that excites you. We can talk more about it.
Regards,
Sayeri
*taps BroMu on the shoulder*
Excuse me, Mr. Mugga…
I’m sorry to have to inform you that there have been some technical difficulties, and Space Rocket Ajax is unavailable for launch at this time.
However…
*dramatic orchestra hit*
…Thunderbirds Are Go!
F.A.B.!
Well, heavens to Betsy, it’s a Fathers day miracle–the post has self-corrected, thereby making my previous comment totally irrelevant!
That happens to me a lot lately…
So, John…
Yesterday, my sensors briefly detected a disturbance in the CARS… as though a million commenters cried out in sympathy for Phil Schiller, and were suddenly silenced.
Whuddup wif dat, yo?
Ace,
If Mr. Moltz is bitting, should he be fitted with a Silence of the Lambs mask?
John Moltz is George Lucas?
Fava bean and chianti sales are about to spike…
A moment of silence, please, for John who just burst into flames over on his other website. Sniff, I’ll miss him.
Yes Sue but I’ve been saving for a telescopic sight, so I wont.
He’ll be back. Neither snake nor flame can quench the voice of the preeminent tech pundit of the Puget Sound area.
My heart is weary for those bitten by snakes… FUCK! Did he say SNAKES!? Run for the hills! Save the ponies! Bag the bots! Get the kickball!
Who here can honestly say they’ve never used “velcro” as a verb?
Happy Independence Day Steve and you are pretty independent now.
So on another site, JM raises the question, “Is your virtual machine running?” to which I respond, “Do you have Prince Albert in the can?”
Too busy running after my refrigerator to answer.
Juan Manuel who?
I did have Prince Albert in the can, but he kept getting out. Squirmy bugger.
All of this Apple stuff will soon be obsolete!
We already have.
Obsolete?!? No! Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!
Steve,
We did not ask you to describe yourself or me.
Mr. Ballmer…
Might we conclude, on the basis of your name and commentary, that…
…you use copious amounts of ointment daily?
…every jacket you wear is a Ballmer jacket?
…some days you nostalgically wish you could B-17 again?
…many people think of you as “The Mad Ballmer?”
‘m just askin’…
Orl i nose, guvnor, is Micro$oft made a loss.
Nxxx,
I didn’t know “whiskey” could be used to describe you. “Technology” might apply to me, depending on the day.
I believe Mr. Right Said Fred has the monopoly on “sexy.”
Damn! Thought he wrote “Frisky”.
Congrats to our cousins across the fond for the nice TDF win by Mr. Wiggins. Mr. Cavendish’s win yesterday was amazing, as usual.
Good luck over the next 2+ weeks with the influx of tourists and traffic, should you be (un)fortunate enough to be near any venues.
Oops.. I meant “pond.”
I have no idea what a “fond” is.
Isn’t it a container for melted cheese?
Our last guy who might have won the Boucle, died on Ventroux.
Alas, it was the drugs. Not the Mont.
But Phil & Paul will be commentating for the Olympics. That’s always a bonus.