21 Mar 13Bob Mansfield’s review

Startling news has been passed to CARS that sheds a new light on Senior Vice President of Technologies Bob Mansfield‘s status with the company. It had previously been announced that Mansfield would be retiring but after Scott Forstall’s ouster, Mansfield was given a new position. This transcript of Mansfield’s recent annual review with CEO Tim Cook reveals, however, that Manfield’s change of heart may have had nothing to do with Forstall.

COOK: Hey, Bob! Come on in!

MANSFIELD: Hello, Tim.

COOK: Wow, hard to believe it’s that time of year again, right?

MANSFIELD: You mean spring?

COOK: Well, yeah, I guess so.

MANSFIELD: As if spring has some kind of special significance for me?

COOK: Uh…

MANSFIELD: Like, oh, Bob’s been hibernating all winter and we hold his review every spring because that’s when he wakes up?

COOK: No, that’s not what I…

[Apple Senior Vice President of Human Resources Joel Podolny enters.]

PODOLNY: Sorry I’m late.

COOK: Why… why are you here, Joel?

PODOLNY: Ah. Yes. Well, Tim… Bob here has asked me to be present for this.

COOK: Oh, come on…

PODOLNY: No, no. This is his right as an employee and Bob has some… concerns… about comments that you’ve made in previous reviews that, uh, give the appearance that his racial status might be affecting your ability to provide an impartial assessment of his performance.

COOK: His racial status? You mean the fact that he’s a bear?

MANSFIELD: Oh, heeeere we go…

PODOLNY: Tim, please! You are not allowed to mention Bob’s racial status, whatever that may be! You’re also not allowed to make reference to anything that might be seen as judgemental of his culture.

COOK: Oh, so I’m not allowed to mention the fact that he messily devoured a live salmon during a staff meeting?

PODOLNY: Tim!

COOK: I’m not allowed to mention the fact that he bathes in the fountain outside?

PODOLNY: No. [reads] “Under the U.S. Equal Opportunity Employment Act for Ursine-Americans, managers are not allowed to mention anything that might be construed as a reference to an employee’s status as an ursine-American.”

COOK: I’m still not sure that’s a real piece of legislation. But isn’t just mentioning the name of that Act a reference to Bob’s status as…

PODOLNY: Possible status!

COOK: [sigh] …possible status as an ursine-American?

PODOLNY: Please, Tim, why don’t we just start going through the review? I think that’s what we all came here for, isn’t it?

COOK: Well, we can do that, I guess, but…

[Mansfield slowly removes a jar of honey from inside his jacket while staring at Cook.]

COOK: But… uh, I’m not sure how far we’re going to get.

[Mansfield slowly opens jar, still staring intently at Cook as if challenging him to say something about what he's doing]

COOK: Um… there’s just a few things in here I’m not sure how to talk about without it seeming… uh…

MANSFIELD: What? Bearist?

[Mansfield sticks his entire hand into the jar and spoons a gigantic wad of honey into his mouth, dripping it everywhere, defiantly staring at Cook.]

COOK: Uh… yeaaah. The thing is, though, many of them are listed under “strengths”! Like literally, your strength.

PODOLNY: Tim…

COOK: People like Bob! They like his… culture. They like it when he scratches his back against a door jam or rolls around on the grass when it’s sunny! He keeps the coyotes away!

MANSFIELD: Oh, that’s nice. And it’s nice how Asians are so good at math, isn’t it, Tim?!

COOK: That’s not what I… ugh. OK, look…

PODOLNY: Tim, you’re just digging yourself in deeper.

MANSFIELD: It’s just lucky for you that everyone thinks it was because of Forstall that I was leaving. Because if word got out about your prejudice in the current climate…

PODOLNY: I would like to point out that Bob is not threatening to tell anyone that.

MANSFIELD: I came back because I wanted to give you a second chance, Tim. But you haven’t changed. You’re still making this an issue in spite of yourself! I’ve had plenty of offers, Tim! And I’ll tell you, the thought of working at BlackBerry always seemed like a joke before, but Canadians know how to treat someone like me!

[Mansfield storms out]

COOK: So, he’s allowed to say Canadians know how to treat a bear but I’m not allowed… oh, forget it.

PODOLNY: [shaking his head] Tim, Tim… This is a lawsuit in the making.

COOK: Well, see if he’ll settle for a few flats of raspberries.

PODOLNY: Jesus, Tim. That is not cool.

COOK: [calls to his assistant] Hey, Trevor? Can we get someone to clean up this honey? And get me a scotch or something.

35 Responses to “Bob Mansfield’s review”

  1. Bob Bane says:

    I knew that ancient RSS feed would be good for something, someday…. first?

  2. Moof says:

    Yup, only because I slipped on some bearsh*t and hurt my back!

  3. Ambrose Chapel says:

    I didn’t even know we were calling him Big Bear!

  4. skucera says:

    Fourth?!!

  5. Steve G. says:

    Fifth!
    Speaking of which, I could really use a drink. Would Tim mind if I took his Scotch?

  6. Liz 'Hurley' Burleigh says:

    Not gonna need those woods around the new Campus then?

  7. U. D. Mann says:

    Oh yeah, number 7!

  8. Aaron says:

    I find it really irritating that the *kind* of bear is never specified. American black bear? Polar bear? Asian black bear? Grizzly or brown bear? Polar bear? Spectacled bear? Where is the research on this???

  9. Sue says:

    Just when you think it’s time to delete the bookmark….

  10. unhinged says:

    You only _think_ there’s something wrong with you?????

    Love it. :)

  11. blank says:

    Species-ism raises its ugly head again. I hope poor old Bob can bear up. Uh, and I really hope he doesn’t try to bare all!

  12. Ace Deuce says:

    I can only guess that by posting an article here again, Mr. Moltz is able to claim CARS as a dependent for another year. Such tax acumen we should all have.

    Now I wanna watch Disney’s “Jungle Book” to brush up on anthropomorphic bear culture, so I can relish all the nuances of this article for the next year or so.

  13. Gupta Feldsteing from Outsourceistan says:

    Grrrr. Growlf. Huff huff huff. Braaaaagghhhnaagaah. Honey. Browlf, grumph, grawl blackberries, raspberries.

  14. knuckle says:

    I’m sure Bob will help Kevin Lynch feel at home. By cracking the knuckles repeatedly.

  15. HaHaRich says:

    Moltz, if you held a kickstarter, and we gave you money (or individually wrap snacks, labeled for resale) would you be willing to go back to a weekly update schedule? I miss help desk fridays.

  16. MacBook Amatuer says:

    Woah! Where am I? Did we just time warp to 2008 or something?

  17. Dishwasher Safe says:

    Wow. I just made a little mess.
    Not entirely unlike a paw full of honey.

  18. TuCats says:

    Honey? Scotch? Missed opportunity if Tim doesn’t enjoy a Rusty Nail, if he can just bear to wait for theo honey to ferment….

    Huh huh uh huh. I said “bear”

  19. buthidae says:

    I’m unsure about Mansfield’s status as a bear – I mean, he wears pants! If I learned one thing as a child, it’s that bears almost never wear pants.

    Ahem.

    I mean, Pants™. Obviously.

    One more thing. In the absence of anyone else doing so, I officially stake my claim to… second!

  20. Liz 'Hurley' Burleigh says:

    Sorry re my earlier post, should simply have said ’6th’. It’s been a while.

  21. Huh? says:

    I knew I should have kept that RSS feed on…
    Thanks to a little fluffy cow in NC for alerting me to this momentous occasion!

    The most awkward part of this is my Pants™ want to read the post. Right now.
    And I’m at work.

    *sigh*

  22. Hugh Janus says:

    Mr. Mansfield is not a ursine-American, he’s half-man, half-bear, half-pig. A man-bear-pig. Why is it no one takes me seriously?

  23. Office Security Camera says:

    Moltz pegs the needle on the “Latent Fandom” -ometer.

    Twenty-five!

  24. Rip Ragged says:

    So, um. Not to be bearist or anything, but does Bob Mansfield shit in the woods?

  25. Gupta Feldstein from Outsourceistan says:

    Sounds like Tim Cook heard it.

  26. blank says:

    Commenting on a recent VNWS post, I too hate that word with a fiery passion.

    No, I’m not even going to type it. It is palabra non grata to me. Go read the post.

  27. Sue says:

    If anyone was following CANS, He’s back….

  28. Nxxx says:

    Surely ursines should be bound for Ursa Major or Minor?

  29. Benny says:

    That Bob… he’s such a maverick!

  30. Max says:

    That actually explains a lot about the iOS 7 ux.

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