Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, in anticipation of next week’s ground-breaking Crazy Apple Rumors Site event – 5 – we’ll be fielding media questions about it.

Q: Ah, yes, David Pogue from the New York Times. In an article last year about Macworld NY, you quoted me as saying “These people want Phil Schiller and they want him in big heaping spoonfuls.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but we’ve never actually met, have we.

A: I’m not sure what you’re getting at.

Q: What I’m getting at is you keep quoting me and we’ve never even spoken. You’re just making things up things I supposedly said, many of which make me out to be some kind of idiot.

A: I’m sorry, I don’t think this is relevant to our ground-breaking production, 5

Q: Well, it is relevant because I’m trying to make the point that everything you say is a lie. Like this exchange, for instance. You’re just making this up, aren’t you? I’m somewhere in New York working on a real technology story, and you’re just typing up things that I supposedly said, without even contacting me!

A: Uh…

Q: That’s great. That’s just great. I could sue you for defamation of character, you know.

A: Oh, yeah, like you read this site!

Q: Hmm. OK, you have me there.

Q: Hi, Michael Gemar of MacEdition.

A: Hello, Michael.

Q: Now, I think the thing that’s on the mind of most of our readers at MacEdition is, will there be full frontal nudity in 5?

A: Ah. Mmm. Well, define “full frontal”?

Q: What? Well… c’mon, you know what I mean.

A: Well, see, the thing is, while there will not be any images of full frontal nudity, much of 5 will be written in the nude.

Q: Ah! I see… I… uh… I don’t think that’s what our readers were hoping to hear.

A: Understandably. I take no offense at that.

Q: Oh. Well… you might consider it.

A: Images of full frontal nudity?

Q: No. Taking offense.

A: Oh.

Q: Hello. Scott Baker of Swank.

A: Hi, Scott. What’s your question?

Q: I don’t really have a question about 5.

A: Oh. No?

Q: No. Uh… this is actually a collection call.

A: Oh. Well, uh, how much…

Q: Well, let’s see, your site recieves Swank, Swank for Energy Beings, Swank – Big Butts

A: Uh, couldn’t you just tell me the total? We’re kind of on the air here!

Q: No. No, I’m afraid I have to read all the titles out loud. It’s just… just a rule we have. Oh, and I should have mentioned that this call may be monitored by my supervisor, your clergyman and all of your old girlfriends.

A: Uh… oh… OK. Is that really necessary?

Q: Um… yes. Yes. It’s standard operating procedure. OK. Where was I? OK… Swank – Lesbian Rodeo, Mac Swank, Foot Fetish Swank, “Large” Swank – If You Know What I Mean, Buddhist Swank

A: [sigh]