Nothing today.

Apple updated its entire line of laptops today. The following is the list of new features as announced.

  • That “new PowerBook smell” now 75% more powerful.
  • In order to circumvent TV shows and movies that put tape over the Apple logo, laptops now shout “APPLE!” every thirty seconds, to ensure maximum branding opportunities.
  • 15- and 17-inch PowerBooks “optimized for maximum back order enjoyment”, whatever that means.
  • PowerBooks are now so boss that you are no longer allowed to touch them.
  • iBooks are warm and soft, like the parental love you never got.
  • PowerBook speed tops out at 1.5 GHz which users are encouraged to round up to an even 2.0 GHz when talking to PC-users.
  • iBooks still match your underwear, assuming you wear a plain white cotton brief.
  • All models come with coffee and a choice of vegetable medley or cole slaw.
  • Bottom of the PowerBook is no longer hot enough to burn your flabby white legs like so much raw bacon.
  • 12-inch PowerBook guaranteed to fill the empty void in your life since Melissa left.
  • And, apparently, they’re faster or something.

Busy, busy, busy. Back tomorrow. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.