Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: WHAAAAAA-HA-HAAAAA-HAAAAAA! I have a problem! My Mac… it isn’t working right!!!

A: OK. OK. Take a deep breath. What’s the problem?

Q: [sob] Ah-huh-huh… ah-huh-huh… ooookay… see… it’s using the wrong screen saver!

A: Uh…

Q: I don’t want Cosmos, I want Beach! The pictures of space scare me!

A: Uh… OK. Well, it’s really quite easy to change. Just go to your Preferences…

Q: What?! What?! Ooooooh, why does it have to be so haaaaard?!

A: Hard? No, no. It’s really easy. See, just go to the Desktop and Screen Saver…

Q: Oh, forget it! What’s the point?! What’s the point of anything?!

A: I’m starting to think your issues are not with your Mac.

Q: Oh, sure! That’s great! That’s just what my therapist said! I should have known you’d take his side!

A: Uh… well… I dunno… try rebooting.

Q: Re… booting?! Yes! That’s it! That’s what I want to do! I want to reboot!

A: You… do know it’s not going to do anything, right?

Q: Well, not at first, but if I reboot enough…

A: Um. Sure.

Q: Yes!

A: You know I don’t really know what’s going on anymore.

Q: I have a Performa and…

A: Performa?! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, my GOD! I didn’t think there were any of those still out there! Do you have a QuickTake, too?!

Q: Nnn… no.

A: Ha-ha! Ooooh, man! You are such a beeotch!

Q: Wha… hey! Why… why do I have to be the beeotch all the time?!

A: Yes, why do you have to be the beeotch all the time? Ha-ha-ha! Performa! You’re killin’ me!

Q: Sheesh…

Q: I have a Whoops! Power Mac G4 that I recently upgraded with a processor card. I’ve been having some trouble since then with an external hard drive, but… well… instead of talking about that, what I really want to do is sing an ode to Nancy Heinen I wrote.

A: You… wrote an ode to Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen?

Q: Yes! Yes! Well… ode… ballad… call it what you will. I call it an ode. I just think… gosh, she’s fabulous. You know?

A: Do you know her?

Q: Yes! Well… no. But I feel like I know her. And I wanted to express my appreciation for her in song. There’s nothing so odd about that, is there?

A: … Er…

Q: No! Of course not! Now, OK, here we go…

Oooh, Nancy!

You are so fancy!

So fancy you make

me want to dance-y!

and make some fine romance-y!

And you knoooooow, Nancy

I’d like to get in your…


‘Cause youuu make my love il-legal!

With your court-ordered separation of at least 60 yards and…

A: Whoa, whoa! You know, I’m not sure I like where this is going.

Q: But I haven’t even gotten to the drum solo…

A: Mmm. Yeah. I think not.

Q: At least let me do the part written for the ukelele!

A: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Q: Dammit.