Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, the Help Desk helps you deal with the pain that is deep inside you and never seems to go away.

Until September, anyway.

Q: You can’t stop posting every day! What’s wrong?! Was it something we did? Don’t you love us anymore?

A: Oh, honey, it’s not like that. Of course we love you. Well, Daddy loves you. Mommy… mmm, not so much. You see Mommy – apparently – loves sex with strangers more than she loves you. And sometimes Mommies and Daddies don’t like the same things. I’m not talking about sex with strangers. Daddy loves that, too (but not as much as he loves you!). No, I’m talking about rye bread. I just… can’t live with a woman who loves rye bread. Maybe it’s petty of me, but… I just didn’t know she was into… the rye lifestyle.

What was the question again?

Q: Whaaaa!!! It’s not fair! You said you’d be with us forever! You’re a liar! A big fat, stupid liar!

A: Well, I’ll be with you some of the days. And on the other days you’ll go to Mommy’s.

Q: Well, why do the other kids call Mommy a slut?

A: Oh, “slut” is a very, very bad word! Not at all inaccurate in the case of your mother, but still very bad! You should use “hose queen.”

Q: Oh. What about “slag”? Some of the kids said “slag.”

A: “Slag” is good. Or just “tramp.” It’s kind of traditional. “Tramp.” But I don’t want to hear you saying the word “slut”! Save that for weekends with Mommy. Here, let me show you how to spell it…

Q: Well, that’s it! If you’re not going to write every day in August I’m gonna… I’m gonna… I’m gonna hold my breath until I turn blue! And then I’m just going to run away and never see you anymore! I’m going to go far, far away from this stupid place and you, because you’re stupid! And I’m going to find a puppy and a magical pony and the three of us are going to be the bestest friends ever!

A: Ha! Yeah, good luck with that!

Q: OK… well… well… maybe I’ll just read some other rumor site! Then you’d learn! That’d learn you real good!

A: Go on! Go on to your so-called “other rumor sites”! You’ll never have it as good as you’ve got it here, baby! You’ll come crawling back! Crawling back to papa! And then you’ll say “Oooh, give it to me like you used to give it to me, big daddy! Oooh, yeah, give me those rumors nice and dirty! Give them to me…”

Q: Wait… wait a minute, wait a minute. You’re either getting into a weird area or you’ve just screwed it up. I’m supposed to be your kid.

A: Oooh… I get it now! So, that’s what the whole Mommy and Daddy thing was all about. See, I thought… Well… never mind.

Q: Say, what does any of this have to do with Apple rumors anyway?

A: Oh, well, on a metaphysical level, you could look at the rupture of the Daddy/Mommy relationship as the…

Q: I think you mean metaphorical…

A: … That’s what I said… …as the relationship between Apple and Microsoft. Or IBM. Or maybe Motorola.

Q: So… this really has nothing to do with Apple rumors.

A: Mmm… no.