According to certified genius John Berman who has just completed a 10-city study of Apple Stores many Apple Geniuses are not, in fact, geniuses at all.
“Apple has been falsely passing these people – whose only real knowledge is based around a vast experience with the Macintosh – off as geniuses,” Berman said.
After hearing of the Apple Geniuses and being intrigued by the idea of speaking with people on his own level, Berman first entered the Oakbrook Apple Store in February with the intent of chatting up a Genius.
“First, he was totally uninterested in discussing synchronistic patterns of clustering behavior which is so hot right now. That made me suspicious. So, I asked him what the value of pi was out to the 20th digit. He couldn’t get to four digits! 3.1415! 3.1415! Genius? I think not!”
Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller was forced to admit that Apple Geniuses are not screened for an I.Q. that would indicate genius status.
“‘Genius’ is really more of a clever job title than an actual indication of hyper-intelligence,” Schiller maintained. “They are hyper-intelligent about the Mac, though! Ha-ha! Ahhhh…”
Still, Berman was unsatisfied by Schiller’s explanation.
“It’s a complete obfuscation. When you take away their Mac knowledge, they’re just ordinary people.
“Actually, quite frankly, some of them are sub-ordinary.”
Contrary to Berman’s results, however, Schiller asserted that Darlene Quinn, an Apple Genius at the Knox Street store was a member of Mensa.
“Also, Henry Ruiz at the Mission Viejo store is really, really smart. He knows a lot about fish. He’s really into fish.
“I’m also told that Stan Frith at the Crossgates store knows how to make his own mayonnaise. That’s gotta count for something.”
Berman has not decided whether or not he will initiate a class action suit against Apple for false advertising.