Many So-Called Geniuses Nothing Of The Sort.

According to certified genius John Berman who has just completed a 10-city study of Apple Stores many Apple Geniuses are not, in fact, geniuses at all.

“Apple has been falsely passing these people – whose only real knowledge is based around a vast experience with the Macintosh – off as geniuses,” Berman said.

After hearing of the Apple Geniuses and being intrigued by the idea of speaking with people on his own level, Berman first entered the Oakbrook Apple Store in February with the intent of chatting up a Genius.

“First, he was totally uninterested in discussing synchronistic patterns of clustering behavior which is so hot right now. That made me suspicious. So, I asked him what the value of pi was out to the 20th digit. He couldn’t get to four digits! 3.1415! 3.1415! Genius? I think not!”

Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller was forced to admit that Apple Geniuses are not screened for an I.Q. that would indicate genius status.

“‘Genius’ is really more of a clever job title than an actual indication of hyper-intelligence,” Schiller maintained. “They are hyper-intelligent about the Mac, though! Ha-ha! Ahhhh…”

Still, Berman was unsatisfied by Schiller’s explanation.

“It’s a complete obfuscation. When you take away their Mac knowledge, they’re just ordinary people.

“Actually, quite frankly, some of them are sub-ordinary.”

Contrary to Berman’s results, however, Schiller asserted that Darlene Quinn, an Apple Genius at the Knox Street store was a member of Mensa.

“Also, Henry Ruiz at the Mission Viejo store is really, really smart. He knows a lot about fish. He’s really into fish.

“I’m also told that Stan Frith at the Crossgates store knows how to make his own mayonnaise. That’s gotta count for something.”

Berman has not decided whether or not he will initiate a class action suit against Apple for false advertising.

38 thoughts on “Many So-Called Geniuses Nothing Of The Sort.”

  1. no, we’re not real-world genii, and, in fact, we often aren’t that smart about mac either

    oh, and FIRST POST w00t

  2. Flour, water, butter mushed together for the crust. Some sort of fruit filling is sometimes used.

  3. Forget the IQ stuff. Can we still fondle them?

    (Or at the very least, come on to them at the Genius Bar with lame opening lines like, “I need some help mounting my hard drive, if you know what I mean….”)

  4. oh they like totally stole that from yesterday’s comments about the Genius Bar and not being able to make a Mac and Coke

    STEALERS!!!! THIEVES!!!! iPod USERS!!!!!!!

  5. Surely the plural is “genii”. And to the suggestion that to be a genius you must have an I.Q. between 145 and 164 – what happens after that? This is in theory an infinite scale, is it not? I mean obviously chances are you’ll never meet someone with an I.Q. higher than 164 (especially not behind the genius bar) but some must exist – what are they meant to be called? Freaks?

  6. Once, when I was lost in the desert, I came upon an old bronze lamp. When I tried to polish it up a bit, a genii came out. I thought he would grant me three wishes, but instead he devoured my soul. Lame.

  7. What would a member of Mensa know about being a genius? Why would an organization with members that claim to be genius called itself Mensa? The Spanish meaning of Mensa is a foolish person.

  8. Oh you should have done; it was great – ends up with a big pi-chucking fight at The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

    I love custard, me.

  9. i actually know pi to 50 digit…


    (sorry if there’s an error in there.. been a while…)

    unfortuntely i don’t qualify as a genius in pretty all other respects though.

  10. Well yes, nameless fourth poster, you are correct that the 4th right-of-decimal-point digit of pi is 5, but if you’re gonna only gonna specify it to 4 digits, you should be rounding it. And since the next digit is 9, the 5 rounds up. Thus, you either either call it 3.1416 or 3.14159[..]

    So if you’re gonna be a pedant about it like Mr. Berman, um, yeah.


  11. Speaking of Restaurants at the end of universes – all you state-side peeps should be told if you don’t know already that the BBC are currently broadcasting on radio the tertiary phase of Hitchhiker’s Guide, which was actually mostly written by Douglas Adams (he did most of the adaptation from books 3,4 and 5 before he died). All of the original cast who are still alive feature, and even Douglas Adams himself is scheduled to appear as Agrajag apparently….

    available for streaming here:

  12. 35 yes god yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. 3.

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  14. I am pretty SURE that the 150th decimal place is a 2 and not an 8. Oh, hold on, that is a bit of my apple pie sitting on the screen. The 8 is correct. Now to find a life…

  15. If you were writing in Latin then you would be correct to use genii as the plural of genius, however no one has yet posted in Latin in this forum, therefore “geniuses” would be the appropriate term.

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