Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

A: Oh, hey! It’s Delicious Monster’s Wil Shipley!
SHIPLEY: Don’t give me that exposition crap. I’m not in the mood.
A: Oh. Sorry. Is… is it about… you know… yesterday?
SHIPLEY: Of course it’s about yesterday! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?! Masako goes over to the other team and I’m the last guy who dated her! Great! That’s just great!
A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is not about you. Don’t flatter yourself.
SHIPLEY: Well, it’d be easier to think that if Matas wouldn’t keep saying “Dude, you drove her to it!” and then laughing really hard.
A: You can’t drive a woman to lesbianism! Believe me, I’ve tried! You can get them in the car and you can get them into the neighborhood, but ooooh they won’t get out. No matter how much you push and shove them…
SHIPLEY: Um, I’m not sure the whole driving analogy is really working.
A: Whatever. Look, dude, you’ve gotta look at it this way: you boldly went where no man will ever go again. That’s gotta be worth something.
SHIPLEY: Uh… well… see… the thing is… we didn’t actually do it.
A: Oh.
A: Well… you know why?
A: She’s gay.
SHIPLEY: Hmm. Yeah, I guess that would explain it.
A: See? You’re totally off the hook.
SHIPLEY: Mmmokay. I can live with that.

Q: I have a PowerBook G4 which I enjoy very much. I’m using it to code Java and build MySQL databases. I also use it to cook Hot Pockets.
A: Cook…
Q: Hot Pockets. Yes. I have a Podium Pad and I’ve found that if you put a Hot Pocket on top of the Podium Pad just under the PowerBook’s G4 processor and leave it for, oh, an hour, it cooks it clean through.
A: Really?
Q: Oh, yes. It’s not as fast as a microwave, but I don’t have to get up.
A: Indeed.
Q: However, my concern is that I have a system down now that won’t work in the future. When the G5 PowerBooks come out next summer, which I fully expect to run much hotter, I’m afraid that I will waste a lot of Hot Pockets trying to get the timing right. Is there a site somewhere that evaluates the various Apple products for their food-cooking specifications?
A: No. No. Because that would be nuts.
Q: I see.
A: But you could start one. You could call it “MacGriddle.”
Q: Hmm. I believe McGriddle is copyrighted by the McDonald’s company. I wouldn’t want to get into any trouble.
A: OK, well, you could also just put a Hot Pocket under the G5 PowerBook and then take a bite out of it every five minutes. Then you’d know exactly when it’s perfect.
Q: Ah! Excellent! I’ll do that! Thanks!
A: What?! That’s a stupid suggestion! You’re going to be biting into a frozen Hot Pocket every five minutes!
Q: Then why did tell me to do that?!
A: I just wanted you to go away!
Q: Oh. Well, actually, to the timer I have in my Dock says my G4 Hot Pocket is done, so…
A: I’ll let you go.

Q: I’ve been spending a lot of time in GarageBand and I’ve come across an interesting issue. I start with a blank song, then I add a back-beat, such as Club Dance Beat 003.
[bucka-dudda-bump bucka-dudda-bump bucka-dudda-bump]
A: OK.
Q: Then I add Fusion Electric Piano 01 and Funky Pop Synch 03.
[deen-a-neen-deen dah-neen-ah-neen-ah deen-a-neen-deen dah-neen-ah-neen-ah]
A: I’m with you.
Q: Finally, to round everything out, I put in Modern Rock Guitar 09 for a hip, contemporary sound.
[bown-chicka-wacka-wacka bown-chicka-wacka-wacka]
A: Right. Right. Gotcha. So… what’s the problem?
Q: What’s the problem? What’s the problem? The problem is it sounds like crap! That’s what the problem is!
A: Oh.
Q: I swear! I mean, it’s like Apple keeps releasing all this software that’s specifically designed to point out what a no-talent ass clown I am!
A: Well…
Q: All my pictures in iPhoto look like crap, all my iMovie movies look like crap…
A: Oh, that’s not…
Q: My addresses in Address Book even look like crap!
A: Ooh, that is ba-
A: Hmm. He seemed angry.

22 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. you’ve driven to lesbianism…. damn…. can I visit that neighborhood… or would we have to drive through Dyke Lane to get there?

  2. Huck voted last year against tax cuts. That MEANS he supports raising taxes? Huck STILL doesn’t live in the district. That means he just doesn’t care. He JUST doesn’t care! Don’t let Huck get the 11th post! Vote for MacStansbury instead!

    (Taken from actual political ad in Illinois, ok, I stretched it a bit about the 11th post, but the rest…)

  3. Hrm, I suspect that the eleventh post might be a lesbian.

    I know I’ve made a big deal in the past about always getting to “have” the eleventh post, but really, I’ve never seen her visibly care either way who got to have her.


    She just kind of takes it, y’know? Like a limp doll.

    Okay, I’ve decided. Masako can have the eleventh post with my blessing, but only if I get to watch.

    Haha, just kidding. That would be boorish.

    No. Actually, I’m serious, I want to watch lesbians.

  4. Personally, I think crappy addresses in Address Book beat out the best addresses in Outlook 2001, which I have to use at work. 🙁

  5. I`m drunk and on drugs and didn`t sleep and have to go to the trainstation in 20 mins to go to a f***ing conference.

    Well, ahm, I thought maybe you wanted to know… …hm, probably not.

    And yes I actually read the article, but I wasn`t able to understand anything. I think got the lesbian part, though.

    mmmmhhhh… lesbians.

    Lesbians are my friends.

  6. Oh come on guys, get it right. It shouldn’t be “Q: Hmm. I believe McGriddle is copyrighted by the McDonald’s company. I wouldn’t want to get into any trouble.”

    It should be “Q: Hmm. I believe McGriddle is a trademark of the McDonald’s Corporation. I wouldn’t want to get into any trouble.”

    Jesus, the nerve of you people!

  7. Is it wrong that I just want to watch Huck . . . watch Lesbians?

    Really, I need to know.

    And be punished for it.

    PS: How’s that democracy thing going, over there? We’d better not hear the word ‘chad’ again, or we’re pulling the Black Watch out of Iraq. And sending in Elton John. To a theatre near you. Think about it.

  8. I have a few friends who are lesbians, and one or two from other Greek islands.


  9. Hey, I had an extra soul in the fridge… CTHULHU!!!!!!!

    In another life my hetero-cube-mate used to cook tortillas on his old-school 13″ Apple Monitor. It took just a few minutes to get it ready for some butter. Cooking with high-tech is overkill, fun, and DELICIOUS!!!

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