Guy Watching Your iChat Videos Just Wishes You'd Shut Up.

According to sources at Apple, the guy responsible for watching your iChat video sessions wishes you’d just shut the hell up.

In the secret department at Apple charged with watching feeds the company captures of every iChat video, Apple employee Shawn Mitchell is growing increasingly tired of your hackneyed jokes, poor taste in the arts and relentless commentary on a variety of subjects you know nothing about.

“God, what a pompous ass,” Mitchell said, watching a tape of your recent iChat session with your friend in Columbus.

“This guy doesn’t know the first thing about international monetary policy. And you can tell his friend has been trying tactfully to end the conversation for about twenty minutes.

“See?! There! He did it again!”

Mitchell backed the recording up.

YOUR FRIEND: Well, I’ve got to be going…
YOU: And another thing about Greenspan…

“Gah! What a jerk!” Mitchell cried.

Mitchell also indicated that your persistent attempts to make it look like you are clinging to the bottom of the screen like a Kilroy drawing are intensely lame.

“It was kind of amusing when iChat AV was brand new, but it’s really, really old now.”

Mitchell has been monitoring iChat sessions for Apple since January of this year when he joined the company.

“At the time I was kind of curious about why Apple was interested in keeping tabs on this crap. I asked Avie Tevanian during an interview and he leaned over and yelling in my face ‘Because we can!’

“To tell you the truth, I think he was drunk.”

As Mitchell was to learn later, “Because we can” is also actually the team’s mission statement. And Tevanian was actually high on a combination of pain killers and NyQuil.

“Anyway, right now my mission statement is to get this guy to shut the hell up,” Mitchell said.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut! UP!” he yelled in vain at your image on his monitor.

27 thoughts on “Guy Watching Your iChat Videos Just Wishes You'd Shut Up.”

  1. Actually, I don’t believe a word of this story. Everybody knows that 90% of video iChat consists of really ugly nudity…

    Mitchell wouldn’t be yelling, “Shut up!” He’d be yelling, “Cover up! For the love of God, put some clothes on before I have to boil my eyeballs!”

  2. I’m not wearing any clothes, either.

    Of course, I don’t have an iSight, so it really doesn’t matter.

    Hey, it’s your loss…

    (“Because we CAN!” I like that as a personal mantra.)

  3. Uhhh, Dude… just because YOU didn’t buy an iSight doesn’t mean there’s no iSight near you. Can you see my point? I can most certainly see yours.

  4. this is our:

    holiday, festive, yuletide, go out and get that Sears 20% off sale, eat too much turkey and stuffing, and get drunk and yell about how the Lions keep getting worse every year, and how the Cowboys are juuuuust about there, and “accidentally” hit on Aunt Helen, and use egg nog on your cereal, just because you can,

    episode?!? I’m flabbergasted.

    needs more indians and stuff. turkey. corn. muskets. syphilis. Target “One Day Only” sales.

  5. “Because we can.” – Avie Tevanian

    “Because I never get held accountable for anything.” – George Bush

  6. I’m actually reading the book by Dick Morris, “Because He Could.” And by reading, I mean the first chapter is done and it will sit on the floor by my XBox till I get sick of Madden again.

    Sometime in 2037




  8. “Gah! What an jerk!” Mitchell cried. SHOULD BE

    “Gah! What a jerk!” Mitchell cried. Did none of you notice this error? What an bunch of jerks….

  9. Actually, for some reason he pronounced it with a Spanish accent. Like “an herk.” But I changed it anyway because who does he think he is?

  10. agha, I knew i shouldn’t have read the story… of corse, if I had dsl, and a rss feader, that would help too, and if i could read faster then 2 words a min…

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