Why Apple Rumors?

You know, I’m often approached by kids thinking of getting into the rumor business. It’s just one of the special moments you savor as a highly respected rumor site editor – a chance to connect with the kids.

“Mr. Moltz, they’ll say, “Weren’t you told not to hang out at our school yard anymore?”

Ha-ha-ha! Aren’t they precious?!

Well, Timmy, the local authorities prevented me that day from explaining at length how enterprising youngsters such as yourself can start your own Apple rumors site using seed capital provided by extra-dimensional aliens, so let me now.

First, you must have a passion for Apple products – a passion that drives you beyond all else, forcing you to eschew family, friends and work in an effort to provide some meaning to your bitter, empty life.

Any good blow to the head should give you this.

Second, you must know an extra-dimensional alien with seed capital. We met ours in a Waffle House. You might meet yours somewhere else. A laundromat, miniature golf place…

For some reason they seem to hang out at places that have retro kitsch appeal. We’re not really sure why.

Those two items out of the way, you’re ready to get into the Apple rumor business and reap its many benefits!

Reporting Apple rumors is really about the people. Mostly about being caught between the people who have violated their NDAs and the fine, fine people from Apple Legal (whom we love dearly, by the way – just wanted to add that).

Now, much has been said about the groupie sex. Giselle, Monique, Clarice and all the other lovely ladies we’ve met in our travels covering Apple certainly have made it all worthwhile. But it’s more than just hot, hot, consensual action involving multiple partners.

Although, not much more.

Still, the ample pension provided by Apple Rumors Site Workers Union Local 418 is one of the benefits many people don’t know about. Yes, occasionally we have to go out and rough up some scab rumor sites in order to stay in good standing, but that’s just part of the business. Nothing personal, you understand.

Finally, the opportunity to come into direct contact with Apple’s fine executive corps cannot be undervalued. Many is the afternoon we’ve whiled away sipping coffee with Phil Schiller in a local café or spent swishing down the slopes at Whistler with Stan Ng or sitting on the curb in front of the Big Value eating jo-jos slathered in cheese with Jon Rubinstein.

For these reasons and many more, we ask the musical question: consider Apple rumors, won’t you?

Thank you.