Stream of Consciousness Editorial.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has some exciting new features it will be introducing over the coming months, including the hiring of a new staff member, provided he can complete the rigorous 8-mile obstacle course and survive the Test of the Five Scorpions which, not surprisingly, involves five scorpions. And they just happen to get dropped directly into the applicant’s pants.

Harsh? Perhaps. But this is how CARS is able to maintain its high standards.

Although, when the existing staff was hired, it was actually called the Test of the Five Cups of Cold Water. Less stingy and without the threat of a sudden painful death, but let me assure you it was quite bracing.

But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today. No, today CARS is introducing the Stream of Consciousness Editorial. In the fine editorial tradition that made such publications as the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal and Swank famous, CARS Editor-In-Chief John Moltz (that’s me) will opine from time to time on any and all Apple-related topics. Quite possibly in one editorial.

Let’s give it a try.

If Apple is to maintain its industry-leading position in desktop operating system ease of use, it is going to have to address a problem that is no where on display more than in the recently released Tiger update: the install process.

But more to the point, whither AppleWorks, the venerable package that made our Macs usable right out of the box for so many years? What ugly fate awaits yesterday’s productivity package, tossed aside like so much used chewing gum? Well, fret not for AppleWorks. When last we heard, it was set to retire to Fire Island with its long-time companion, Hall-of-Famer defensive lineman Merlin Olsen.

Which raises another issue: the evil troll-like creatures that inhabit the lower dungeons of One Infinite Loop. They say they have turned Gil Amelio into a hideous cyborg that they will one day loose upon an unsuspecting Macintosh community in a vain attempt to attract the attention of the lovely but unattainable Danika Cleary. Will nothing stop these insane beasts?

Certainly not the iBook Logic Board Repair Program. As a whole, it has indeed successfully repaired a number of iBook logic boards, but to what end? Sure, a lot of people’s machines now run again or no longer function under the cloud of inevitable system failure, but what have we learned from this experience? What is the moral to this story?

Never buy tainted meats from Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer. It’s an easy trap to fall into as Oppenheimer is quite the charmer, and Mac users in particular are likely to be star-struck by flashy Apple executives in their Apple logo-ed polo shirts and cotton Dockers. But at the end of a drunken night with Peter Oppenheimer, you’ll wake up with your head on the night-stand, a freezer full of tainted meats and a broken heart.

At the end of the day, the only one who can answer these questions is, not surprisingly, Paul Jones, front-man of sixties British quintet Manfred Mann’s Earth Band. Jones has frequently been seen in the company of Apple CEO Steve Jobs, but when confronted will scream as if in pain, curl up into the fetal position and claw at his face with a spork he got with a side of mashed potatoes at KFC.

See how that works? Look for more Stream of Consciousness Editorials in the Monday edition of this, your Crazy Apple Rumors Site!