Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today the Help Desk handles questions about products Apple doesn’t make!

Q: I have a question about Apple-brand longbows.
A: Oh, sure.
Q: I have a friend… well, he’s not really a friend. He’s more of an enemy. A blood mortal enemy. I loathe him. Anyway, he’s got a whole bunch of flunkies with crossbows. About 5,000 of them. And then a bunch of infantry and cavalry.
A: Uh-huh.
Q: But what I want to talk about is the crossbows. I’m on a budget, so I can’t afford 5,000 Apple-brand longbows, but I’ve heard the longbows have a longer range anyway. So my question is, can I get, say, 2,000 Apple-brand longbows and still be assured that I can decimate my enemy? Because I hate him. Oooh, how I hate him.
A: You’re absolutely correct. The Apple longbow not only sports a longer range than the crossbow, but your lackeys will be able to fire it much faster.
Q: Oh, great! Great! Ha-ha! Ahhh… because… you know… I hate this guy.
A: I get that. Just out of curiosity, what did he do to you?
Q: Actually, I’ve never met him. But I saw his picture and he has one of those thin little mustaches. I hate those. So I hate him. Very much.
A: I see.
Q: Mmm-hmm.

Q: I have been back and forth with Apple technical support all day and I am just furious. I recently purchased an Apple mole and it immediately began to burrow in my lawn. My yard is an absolute mess. What can I do about this?
A: I’m not sure I understand your problem. You bought an earth-burrowing rodent and now you’re angry your earth has been burrowed?
Q: Ack… wha…? This is outrageous! Can’t you see how Apple has screwed me?! Just like they did when they wouldn’t release a version of OS X for my 604e machine!
A: Ah, I think I see the problem here. This isn’t about the Apple mole. This is about your unrealistic belief the company should support your outdated hardware in perpetuity.
Q: No! No! This isn’t about me! This is about Apple! Don’t you see?! It’s a pattern of abuse!
A: Mmm. So much denial. So sad.

Q: I have the entire lineup of Apple executive action figures – from original long-haired Steve Jobs to Allison Johnson, but I’m missing the Michael Spindler action figure. Do you know where I can get one?
A: Apple never made a Spindler action figure.
Q: Oh, really? Why?
A: Dude, they’re called “action” figures.
Q: Ah. Right.

33 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Having achieved my ambition, life has no more meaning.

    Fareweel cruel worls.

    2ns and 4th as well.

  2. Well guys, you played the game and let me come third.

    Maria is on her way home and is going to join the Apple bored, Georgie Doubleyew will be protected by our finest (providing your finest supervise) and as for the cheese eating surrender monkeys, well I whispered “Agincourt” in their ears.

    Guantanamo was much better than I expected, did you know that the orange over-suits were Armani? The cages were also labelled Frank Lloyd Wright.

    Following Apple’s example, CARS should put Ugluck up as a biddable date.

    From the U.K. may we wish you

    Happy July Fourth.

    postscript:- 400th anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot. Pity they failed.

  3. The thing I like best about Gitmo is the delicious lemon chicken. And every meal includes two kinds of fruit.

    The thing I like least about Gitmo is the same thing I like least about this story. There are no working links to pictures of Allison Johnson. Well, that and the whole festering naked in my own feces thing, but I try not to dwell on that.

  4. [music]I’ll build a stairway to paradise, with a new step everyday [/music]

  5. I read this post moments after I finished my set for that charity concert.

    My question: Am I a Martian?

  6. Bjork,

    You are Icelandic, although there is no known scientific method to differentiate between the two races, even Steve can’t tell.

    Johansen Johansen

  7. They say David slew Goliath by slinging a stone. It follows that an army of several thousand archers, cavalry and infantry could be vanquished by a few judiciously tossed handsful of rice. Thrown by happy wedding guests.

    Actually Goliath collided with a freight train while driving drunk talking on a cell phone.





  9. After careful consideration, I feel it is necessary to query the validity of a CARS staff entry on 16th February 2005 regarding Allison Johnson. It states “electric eels and two 500-gallon vats of pure grain alcohol.”

    1) Are the gallons British Imperial gallons of 160 fluid ounces or the pre British Imperial current American gallon of 128 fluid ounces?

    2) The “pure grain alcohol” also needs clarification (they tend to be cloudy). From which grain was it produced? Yet further information needed as it might refer to alcohol produced on the Isle of Grain in the Thames / Medway estuary, home to petrol refineries and the UK chapter of the Apple Alcoholic Users Group, referred to locally as ‘those drunken hippies’.

    3) Electric eels. Are they alternating or direct current animals or do they swing both ways? Does the close proximity of flammable liquid, alcohol, constitute a fire hazard?

    4) The reference to “HP’s Allison Johnson”. Does this refer to HP (short for House of Parliament) brown sauce, a haute cuisine food additive? If so, has she got the recipe, as I love it.

    5) What does satire mean?

    Please reply slowly and in monosyllables, as I my finger gets sore when reading.

  10. Listen slowly as I will only say this thrice. Longbows. Don’t you see? Longbows??!! LONG. BOWS. Get it? It is all true then. The messages were all correct. The pencil was only the beginning. It is beginning and I’m the only one who can decode it all.

    Thank you CARS helpdesk. You have no idea how you have helped “the cause” because of…LOong boooows. Ohhh, yea.

    So then the Allison Johnson action figure comes *with* crossbows? Or are they extra? If I supersize, do I get the action figure free or is it only the collectors glasses? Yea, the Allison Johnson collector’s glass tumbler set. Cool.

    My Mac? Oh, it runs fine. No questions. I’m just here for the schwag. Can I have one of those nice HP bags to carry all this crap in? I don’t think I need all these Motorola pencils though, thanks. They go *IN* the crossbow? Awesome. I’m pretty sure I can stick them in the cubicle walls and on a good day I can get them into the ceiling tiles.

    What a cool trade show booth! Your product again is? Sexbots. Right. They look good. Did you code the dance routine yourself? Cool. Yea, they rock. How are they with longbows? That good? Galactic core, huh? Neat. Can I get a coupla those pencils for my mate Ficko? Yea, he’s standing right over there at the electric eel booth. No, they other guy. Yea, the one with the glass of pure grain alcohol. Great. Thanks. Hey, before I go, can one of the Sexbots hit Ficko’s glass with a longbow from here?

    AWESOME! Dude!

  11. Definitely, the Apple longbows for me. How else can I slay multiple orcs free from the worry of viruses and spyware, using a beautifully crafted interface?

    Plus, it doesn’t muss my hair. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

    Sixteen! Seventeen! Eighteen! …

  12. Today’s BT-Yahoo report proves once again the superiority of the two Steves product.

    A young German lad goes on trial for inventing the Sasser worm. We don’t suffer such attacks as armed with our trusty Apple Cross and Longbows, we shoot first and ask questions later, accounting for our clean machines.

    Amongst the evidence offered, is that he caused delay at British Airways check ins. If the defence wish to contact me, I am willing to swear that this is a normal situation at BA check ins.

  13. I’ve been using the Apple brand for some time now and even my wardrobe has become only jeans, black turtle necks and iPod socks.

    But I have to say I’ve been less than impressed with Apple Longbows and will continue to use Raytheon as my primary supplier of tactical weapons. I find their tomahawk missiles much more effective than a pointy stick propelled by string on a bendy stick. Their microwave ovens also make my soup hot.

  14. Sir,

    What the hell is happening? You bloody colonials have all sorts of goodies, as I believe they are vulgarly known, Apple crossbows and longbows and these Alyson (do spell it correctly} figures, whilst we, in the old country, get bugger all.

    If Jobs does not release these items for sale in GREAT BRITAIN, we will be forced to retaliate with Wintel cruise missiles (if you give us the launch codes).

    Yours etc.

  15. Col. Retarded,

    We bloody colonials laugh in defiance of your Wintel cruise missiles. We wave unwashed French breat at them and flick hair follicles at you because of them. Of course we do these things from behind trees and over rocks so you can’t see us.

    Wintel cruise missiles? Only 1 in 20 actually fly anyway. And while you are rebooting them we are launching pencils at you from our Apple crossbows, smiting you in your calves and spaniels. You in your silly red coats. Ha!

    Our sexbots are better than yours too, ours eat electric eels and urinate pure grain alcohol. And they can dance. Can yours dance? No? Didn’t think so.

    So take your Wintel cruise missiles and your Linux-based Sexbots and visit Belgium on a Tuesday morning. Bah. We would have done with you.

    Lovingly yours from behind the third biggish rock on the left,

    The Disloyal Colonialists

  16. Since the other cooment section is filled with complete nonsense, i wish to ask her,Re:Fantasy Date with Peter Oppenheimer.

    What if a male apple customer wishes to hang out with Peter Oppenheimer ?

    thank you.


    whats up with perversiontracker??

  17. I was on my daily Krispy Kreme donut run with my buddy Rob Glaser when I see this CARS article implying that action is not my style.

    I resemble that remark!

    Well, okay, actually Glaser resembles a Krispy Kreme donut. But that’s beside the point!

  18. Ahnyer Keester

    This is intolerable, and now a matter of honour.

    My seconds will call on you, and we will settle this affair on The Grassy Knoll with Apple crossbows and pencils.

    Should this prove inconvenient, the arrangements will be altered. Please do not repeat your bad manners of 1812, when you failed to tell us the war was over. (we found out soon enough)

  19. Ahnyer Keester

    This is intolerable, and now a matter of honour.

    My seconds will call on you, and we will settle this affair on The Grassy Knoll with Apple crossbows and pencils.

    Should this prove inconvenient, the arrangements will be altered. Please do not repeat your bad manners of 1812, when you failed to tell us the war was over. (we found out soon enough)

  20. Sorry to get into this conversation a little late, but someone skilled with the crossbow can shoot almost as quickly as someone with a long bow. Personally I generally only get one less shot off in a multi-shot comp. then the long bow users and I get the added advantage of easier aiming.

    The disadvantage is that the crossbow strings just don’t hold up, and restringing can’t be done on the fly.

    Just a reminder when using any Apple Branded bow, do not use 3rd party bow strings as they are not fully compatible product and can often lead to the loss of an eye or other body parts.

  21. Dear Disgusted Col,

    Understand completely. Apologies extended. Should have let you know war over. Will next time. Promise.

    Grassy Knoll no good. Previous engagement. Suggest sending Sexbots to fight in our stead. Will supply 40 gallons of pudding, you send moderate size swimming pool and bring the beer. We can watch from the warehouse.

    Regretfully Yours,

    Bloody Colonials

  22. Del, Dear boy,

    Strongly recommend not to restring with one’s flies, unless buttoned.

    Mr. Keester,

    Apology accepted. A wise decision as our sexbots are purely development models consisting of abacuses attached to blow up dolls.

    Will stand down second, with immediate effect.

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