Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

The Mac universe is controlled by dark and sinister forces…

Let’s meet some of them!

Q: I just tried installing the most recent Security Update and it hung mid-way through. I know I shouldn’t do this, but I force-rebooted my Power Mac and now I’m having disk trouble. I have a lot of misallocated files. How can I fix this?
A: I AM LESRETH, MASTER OF LIES! AN OFFERING IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO FIX YOUR MAC! BRING ME THE FRESH MEAT OF SMALL HERD ANIMALS AND THREE YOUNG VIRRRRGINS AND I SHALL HELP YOU! AH-HA-HA!
Q: You sound… different.
A: OF COURSE I SOUND DIFFERENT, PRIMATE! I AM LESRETH, MASTER OF LIES! THE REGULAR HELP DESK GUY HAS THE DAY OFF AND SOME OF US DEMONS ARE FILLING IN!
Q: Hmm. Well, before I bring you an offering, how do I know you’re going to help me if you’re “Master of Lies”? I mean, you’re probably just lying to me now, right?
A: WHA- ACK. YOU DARE QUESTION THE LORD OF DECEPTION?! THAT… UM… THAT MAKES IT THAT MUCH HARDER FOR ME TO DECEIVE YOU. THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON AFTER A LONG WEEK.
Q: Hmm. Yeah. See, I just want to get my Mac fixed. I don’t really want to have run out and find some virgins.
A: AND I JUST WANT MAKE IT WITH SOME VIRGINS! AH-HA-HA-HA! I DON’T REALLY CARE ABOUT THE MEAT.
Q: Yeah. I don’t even really want to bring you the meat.
A: HMM. WELL, WE SEEM TO BE AT AN IMPASSE HERE.
Q: I know. And this problem is really bugging me.
A: I TELL YOU WHAT, IF YOU BRING ME JUST ONE VIRGIN…
Q: No, no, no. There aren’t going to be any virgins. I could get in trouble for that.
A: OF COURSE YOU COULD GET INTO TROUBLE! IT WOULDN’T BE AN UNHOLY PACT IF YOU COULDN’T GET INTO TROUBLE!
Q: Well… what if I bring you someone who’s not a virgin, but really should know better than to get into a relationship with a demon?
A: HMM. WELL… IS SHE CUTE?
Q: Um… well… you know… kind of “eh.”
A: DOES SHE HAVE A FRIEND? BECAUSE KARL THE INCONSOLABLE NEEDS A DATE.
Q: “Karl the Inconsolable”? Hmm, I don’t know. Sounds a little… needy.
A: OH, HE JUST GOT THAT NICKNAME AFTER HE BROKE UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. BUT IT’S TOTALLY NOT A THING ANYMORE. HE’S TOTALLY OVER HER. TOTALLY.

Q: I’m working with iPhoto and I’m trying to make a screen saver, but when I put a collection of pictures together and try to get them to fade into each other, the fade is halting – like something is using up the processor, or my graphic card’s memory. I don’t have any other applications open. How can I fix this?
A: FIRST, YOU MUST GUT A GOAT!
Q: Um… Oh. Wow. OK. But… why?
A: YOU MUST APPEASE GLAARKU!
Q: Who’s Glaarku?
A: UM… ME. I LIKE GOAT.
Q: Oh. Are you Greek?
A: ON MY MOTHER’S SIDE. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT! WHAT’S IMPORTANT IS YOU FIND FRESH GOAT.
Q: OK. OK. Do you know a place?
A: I DO! FENTRYLAKIS’ DELI. THEY’RE ON 36TH.
Q: Oh. Do you… want any mint sauce?
A: DO NOT PATRONIZE ME! I AM GLAARKU!
Q: …
A: …
Q: Um…
A: SOME MINT SAUCE WOULD BE LOVELY.
Q: Uh… OK.
A: AND CAN YOU GET ME A JAR OF BLACK OLIVES? THEY IMPORT THEM DIRECT. THEY’RE SO GOOD. I’LL TOTALLY PAY YOU BACK.

Q: HEY, IS GARNAK THERE?
A: THIS IS GARNAK.
Q: HEY, IT’S LESRETH.
A: OH. HEY.
Q: UM… DUDE, CAN YOU COME PICK US UP?
A: WHAT… WHERE ARE YOU?
Q: WELL, WE WERE OUT THIS THESE GIRLS AND THEY TOTALLY DOGGED US, MAN. IT WAS SO UNCOOL.
A: WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?
Q: WELL, WE SHOWED UP AT THEIR PLACE AND WE HAD TO TAKE THE BUS BECAUSE KARL’S ESCORT WOULDN’T START. SO WE HAD TO GET THE GIRLS TO DRIVE AND WE WENT TO THE MINI GOLF PLACE WHICH IS KIND OF WAY OUT ON HIGHWAY 9. SO THERE WASN’T A CASH MACHINE AROUND SO THEN WE HAD TO GET THEM TO PAY AND THEY WERE GETTING KIND OF STEAMED. AND THEN KARL STARTS TALKING TO HEATHER ABOUT HIS OLD GIRLFRIEND AND HOW THEY USED TO GO MINI GOLFING AND… DUDE, YOU TOTALLY DID! YOU SCREWED THIS UP, KARL! NOW SHUT UP. SHUT! UP! I’M TALKING TO GARNAK. SORRY, GAR. I AM JUST SO PISSED AT HIM RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE I THINK DEBBIE KIND OF LIKED ME.
A: I CAN’T COME GET YOU RIGHT NOW, LESRETH.
Q: OH, MAN… YOU’VE GOT TO. I AM GOING TO FLAY KARL. SERIOUSLY. I FLAYED A GUY LAST WEEK. I KNOW HOW TO DO IT. IT’S NOT AS HARD AS YOU’D THINK. THE TRICK IS WORKING YOUR FINGERTIPS UNDER THE SKIN AND…
A: UM, YEAH, BUT, SEE… I… UM… CAN’T LEAVE THE HELP DESK. WHY DON’T YOU CALL KARL’S MOM?
Q: OH, MAN. SHE SMELLS LIKE HAIRSPRAY, DUDE.

42 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  4. I protest! That Demon ex left 59 messages on my answering machine today! He kept whining on and on about how he’ll be “less demon-like” and actually take me out instead on trying to consume my soul.

    But I told him “KARL, I am fed up with you and your demonic presence in my life! I’ll never date another demon! If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll have to go live in a church and become a nun or something!”

  5. I think this proves that demons are not as old as we think, but have young. These are obviously teenage demons from California (well, of course, they work for Apple).

    What I wonder is how they got their important jobs at Apple. Is it possible that they are Steve Jobs’ illegitimate demon children?

  10. Trying to find out what Mississippi State Bulldogs are, I discovered they’re a female soccer team. Suggest that Lesreth, Master of Lies, might care to approach regarding his virgin shortage.

    And following that, Sweet Dreams America. May you all have angels guarding your beds, including the Satanists.

  14. Great Ocker humour (the Australasians and Europeans will understand that). Three Aussie supporters dressed as Dame Ednas. Just promise me you wont use her, Sir Les or Lesreth.

  15. What…wait…I think Moltz almost made me a demon spawn. I’m gonna be famous! And think of all the virgin babes I’ll get now. Thanks Moltz!!!!

  16. Lesreth, this is Karl’s mom. Tell me where you are. As soon as I take lil’ Drack to Cataclysm class, I can pick you up.

  17. Great, goats gettin’ it in the neck again.

    This sucks totally, apple dudes.

    Pigs. When do they get their turn? I am so pissed right now.

    Man…

  18. Do Demons like Cricket (not crickets! Cricket!)? If so, as thanks for filling in for that John guy on Friday’s help desk, here is the latest update from the Ashes.

    Rampant England enforce follow-on

    Fourth Ashes Test, Trent Bridge, day three (lunch):

    England 477 v Australia 218 & 14-0

    Australia were skittled for 218 and forced to follow on after Simon Jones took his third five-wicket haul on the third morning of the fourth Ashes Test.

    It was the first time in 191 Tests that Australia have followed on, and at lunch they were 14-0 second time round.

    Jones (5-44) removed Simon Katich (45) and Shane Warne with successive balls after a rapid start that saw Australia add 58 runs in the opening nine overs.

    Andrew Flintoff ousted Adam Gilchrist to a stunning catch by Andrew Strauss.

    Brett Lee tried to slog Australia past the follow-on mark with 47 off 44 balls, but the innings was over when he was caught off Jones. Australia’s insipid first-innings effort was a full 259 runs short of England’s 477.

    Gilchrist and Katich started the day with a clear intent of blazing Australia out of trouble.

    The ploy worked initially, with an array of attacking shots gaining maximum return courtesy of an attacking field set by England captain Michael Vaughan.

    One Matthew Hoggard over taken for 22 runs was highlighted by a monstrous Gilchrist six over long-on.

    But any whimsical hopes Australia had of recovery were snuffed out once Hoggard was replaced by Jones at the Pavilion End.

    Katich flashed mindlessly at Jones’ second ball, full-pitched and very wide, and holed out to Strauss at point five short of his fifty.

    Shane Warne, effective with the bat so far in this series, fell to the next ball when sending a leading edge to Ian Bell in the covers.

    Lee comfortably saw off the hat-trick ball, but England were made to wait just three overs for the next breakthrough.

    Flintoff found Gilchrist’s edge but the ball looked to be heading wide of second slip before Strauss, horizontal and airborne, pouched the ball with his outstretched left hand to pull off what must be the catch of the summer.

    Jones then castled Michael Kaprowicz with a wicked out-swinging yorker, and with only debutant Shaun Tait to come Australia were 175-9.

    But as at Edgbaston, Lee made England work to confirm their superiority and some of his strokeplay was nothing short of violent.

    Two of his three sixes disappeared out of the ground over mid-wicket, but attempting another he was caught on the third-man rope by Bell.

    Vaughan did not waste the opportunity to make Australia bat again for the first time since 1988, when Pakistan enforced the follow-on in Karachi.

    Jones was rewarded with the new ball for his second five-wicket return in as many Tests.

    And though Australia’s openers survived four overs before the break, there is surely no getting out of this mess.

  19. You know, it just occurred to me, that if there were a Crazy Apple Rumors Book compiling some of the better items from this site, I would probably buy it just because I think it would be cool to put it next to my copy of “Applescript: The Definitive Guide” and other similar books.

    In fact, you should get O’Reilly to publish it, and put a picture of a demon on the cover in place of the usual animal.

    I mean, they published Wil Wheaton’s book, why not yours?

  22. Dear Sir Sean Connery,

    You are the Scotsman who is so proud of his country that you live in America for tax purposes. As a Scot your national sport is soccer followed by caber tossing, but your cricket reports are good. Remember however that the ‘colonials’ will get their own back by posting indecipherable detailed accounts of their interminable rounders games.

  23. I think all the Cricket posts are just an attempt for CARS to mention Cricket in an article. Subversive Brits!

    Oh, and I like the book idea. If Joy of Tech can get a book, why can’t CARS?

    – Are you ignoring me, ficko?

  24. Oh, and I seriously doubt the members of a state college girl’s soccer team are virgins.

  25. Dearest iBode,

    I’ve still got my fingers in my ears so Skype doesn’t work. The other problem, is being thick, I can’t read or write or type.

    BTW Why iBode? In Wootton Fitzpaine, Dorset, an ibode is a non water closet toilet.

    Your other remark regarding Mississippi State Bulldogs would suggest that you are no gentleman either.

  26. I believe you’ve reached an “impasse.” With an “e.”

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go unstick the Caps Lock key on various demonic keyboards.

  27. An O’Reilly book or a lavish Broadway musical, I can’t decide.

    mmmnn wouldn’t get to see Howard sing and dance in a book.

    It’s got to be the musical.

  28. iBode is a nickname (did you see that, spelling Nazi?) from a friend that no one ever calls me, but it makes a good screen name.

    I was asking, ficko, because you still have not solved the problem of the pomme de terre.

    And I am a gentlemen, but to nice, proper, self-respecting ladies, among which, sadly, many college girls are not.

    If the stereotype of an American college girl was of a moral, nice, self-respecting woman instead of a slutty girl who has the sex drive of a rabbit and who would rather get on Girls Gone Wild than pass their exam, I would have more respect for the Bulldogs.

    (That was hyperbolized, so don’t get too excited).

    (Oh, no offense Streetrabbit, but you’ve seen that Mastercard [or whatever it was] about the quickly multiplying bunnies, so you know what I mean).

  29. Of course, I must add another post.

    To Streetrabbit, I would like to combine the two into a cardboard book with those buttons on the side with sound effects and stuff.

    -You could have your singing Howard

    -There’d have to be at least one of the Evil Boys Choir

    -Maybe one of Thor’s pickup lines, or egotistical bragging about his good looks, etc.

    Any other suggestions?

    Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, read the comment by Schrodinger’s Cat on the last article. I hope we hear more from him.

    (But wait, if he’s posting, that means he’s alive, and we’ve monitored him in some way! The experiment is ruined!)

  30. iBode,

    If you are a theatrical agent, start booking immediately. CARS’ own E.C. 2000 guitars has got to top the bill and I’m willing to bring my Wandle Swamp Cajun Hillbillies along for standard M.U. rates. We play an eclectic mix of Cajun, bluegrass, old time and hymn tunes. For travel costs alone, the ‘Flying Bells’ Morris side would almost certainly perform. With a little persuasion, our sister side the ‘Flying Belles’ would be willing to perform their acclaimed ‘Winster Processional Nude’ although I insist on wearing a cricket box for protection whilst playing the melodeon.

    It’ll be a sell out.

  31. Actually, I am dead in that other universe–the one that split off at right angles when someone looked.

    Also, in that universe Crazy Apple Rumors is bigger than Google and is a Fortune 500 company run by Douglas Adams rather than John Moltz.

    Sometimes I wish I were in that universe instead.

    Oh, I forgot. I am, in a dead sort of way. Sheesh, I wonder if there are any openings on Del’s farm.

  32. iBode’s CARS Show.

    Our own E.C. 2000 guitars is the obvious bill-topper. For standard MU rates the my own Wandle Swamp Hillbillies as a back up band. Conjuring tricks from The Entity, and The Flying Belles, a female Morris team performing ‘Winster Processional Nude’ could finish the first half.

    Ugluk’s flint knife and axe throwing act with John as the willing target to start the second and of course Oriental Lesbian Practices starring Masako Yamamoto would be a crowd puller.

  33. Schrodinger’s Cat, you are in Douglas Adams’ universe.

    Haven’t you read Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency?

    And the plans for the show sound great! We open in 2 weeks on Broadway!

    …

    …

    Hey, you guys don’t actually expect me to pay you with, like, money, do you?

    ‘Cause I don’t have any of that.

    I was thinking of maybe paying in Wifi-enabled Tapioca.

    And sexual favors…

    …from Schrodinger’s Cat.

    But it might be dead though, making that wrong in two ways…

  35. Darth Vader and Chew Bacca at Trent Bridge!

    Just learned that the modern slide and flick fielding technique was imported from baseball. Before you get too up America, baseball was a British invention and we still have The Baseball Ground, only we play soccer on it.

    Well recovered Ockers, we’ve still got a lot of clinch-sphinctered moments to go.

  36. See you Ockers at the Oval for another great game. I was frightened that Warney was going to do it.

  38. Hey, CARS has the top Google spot for “VIRRRRGINS”!

    Of course, you are the only ones too.

    Ooh, look, an ad!

    Virgins

    Browse a huge selection now

    Find exactly what you want today

    http://www.ebay.com

    Wow, I didn’t know eBay had that kinda stuff…

  39. Schrodinger’s Cat you are more than welcome on my farm. I can support many more kitties than I used to because I got into this lucrative business with the help desk demons. I called up about a simple problem getting my global environment variables to show up in X11 and I ended up entering into a contract with them to supply them with a never ending supply of virgins in return for glorious wealth.

    Those idiots never specified *female* virgins. I’ve been hitting every Sci-fi/Linux Convention in the country. Let’s just say I haven’t had any problems rounding up all the souls the Great Teenaged Ones have needed. Next week I hit a Star Wars Media Con and I expect to get a big enough haul to last me for the next 3 years.

  40. You know, for your nude instrumentalists, the nude accordian player is always a crowd pleaser…

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