As most keen Apple observers saw, Senior Vice President Tim Cook was named COO of the company last week at grand ceremony featuring mutton, great flagons of wine, and a naked undulating dance performed by 18 vestal virgins.
You weren’t invited? Oh.
Well, it wasn’t, you know… all that. The mutton was slightly overdone.
But with all the fanfare and the naked cavorting and the human sacrifice, some present may not have noticed the seemingly coincidental retirement announcement made by Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jon Rubinstein.
Feel free to let out a “Mrrrrow!” and make a cat-scratch gesture.
No, go on.
Really, it’s fine.
It’s not going to be OK later.
At any rate, there’s more to this story. Keen observers – admittedly, somewhat hung over from Cook’s hedonistic crowning – woke up the next morning to note that Samsung’s talks with Apple for a blockbuster deal for flash memory chips had broken down.
For the South Koreans, you see, love Jon Rubinstein. He is the spicy pickled cabbage in a jar of Apple executives, you know.
That’s not “a jar full of Apple executives” that’s “amongst the set that is Apple executives, Rubinstein is the most like spicy pickled cabbage in a jar.”
While Jon may be stinging from the slight, he’ll land on his feet.
He’s actually part cat. I know this because on a hunch I took a glass he used and had his DNA analyzed. I believe for the purposes of improving his chances of taking over when Steve retires, he had a genetic procedure several years ago that fused cat DNA to his own. That would at least explain why he’s such a good dancer.
At least he’ll always have that. If, also a finicky urinary tract.
Cats have a predisposition to that.
But, still, that’s not all the story.
According to my contacts at Apple, in the next several days Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet will announce that he’s actually been played by John Lithgow for the last five years.
And Lithgow… as you know…
…raises sheep, the flesh of which is know as…
The circle is now complete.