Thor On Internal Apple Shakeup.


As most keen Apple observers saw, Senior Vice President Tim Cook was named COO of the company last week at grand ceremony featuring mutton, great flagons of wine, and a naked undulating dance performed by 18 vestal virgins.

You weren’t invited? Oh.

Well, it wasn’t, you know… all that. The mutton was slightly overdone.

But with all the fanfare and the naked cavorting and the human sacrifice, some present may not have noticed the seemingly coincidental retirement announcement made by Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jon Rubinstein.

Feel free to let out a “Mrrrrow!” and make a cat-scratch gesture.

No, go on.

Really, it’s fine.

OK, well…

It’s not going to be OK later.

At any rate, there’s more to this story. Keen observers – admittedly, somewhat hung over from Cook’s hedonistic crowning – woke up the next morning to note that Samsung’s talks with Apple for a blockbuster deal for flash memory chips had broken down.

For the South Koreans, you see, love Jon Rubinstein. He is the spicy pickled cabbage in a jar of Apple executives, you know.

That’s not “a jar full of Apple executives” that’s “amongst the set that is Apple executives, Rubinstein is the most like spicy pickled cabbage in a jar.”

While Jon may be stinging from the slight, he’ll land on his feet.

He’s actually part cat. I know this because on a hunch I took a glass he used and had his DNA analyzed. I believe for the purposes of improving his chances of taking over when Steve retires, he had a genetic procedure several years ago that fused cat DNA to his own. That would at least explain why he’s such a good dancer.

At least he’ll always have that. If, also a finicky urinary tract.

Cats have a predisposition to that.

But, still, that’s not all the story.

According to my contacts at Apple, in the next several days Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet will announce that he’s actually been played by John Lithgow for the last five years.

And Lithgow… as you know…

…raises sheep, the flesh of which is know as…

…mutton.

The circle is now complete.

28 thoughts on “Thor On Internal Apple Shakeup.”

  6. Now I understand, Master.

    Tell me more, tell me more, tell me more, tell me more.

    *Breaks into patented ‘Grease’ routine*

    Have you tried greasing your Mac? iGrease speeds up your CPU.

    Going back to bed as it’s 6:15 a m here.

    Yawn.

  10. Yeha, I don’t think I followed that story really – as has already been mentioned, too early in the morning over here in the UK….

    setting up for whom i wonder?……..

  12. Sometimes I feel high just having read one of Jon’s articles.

    Sometimes it’s the white-out fumes.

  13. Thor is deep. I can’t fathom how deep he is. All mystical with cat references. And mutton.

    Question: What’s the point of having a photographer on staff if we never get photojournalism happening in the articles? Someone should toss Howard a Snausage and get some snaps cooking.

    Umpteenth post, by the way.

  15. That one was kind of all over.

    And let’s not even go into what it was over.

    DId Thor actually answer any questions, or just create some?

  16. that john lithgow/bertrand serlet thing’s a bit scary. now thor didn’t actually say this, but i think what he was hinting at was that when steve gets really mad, he *actually eats* his co-executives, and then has them replaced by a body double.

    maybe that’s reading between the lines a little bit too much, but eh, it didn’t seem to hurt dan brown …

  17. Both of Bertrand’s eyes are glass. Like marbles.

    And what is one kind of a marble known as? A “cat’s eye”.

    It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?

  19. Wouldn’t it be “a undulating dance performed by 18 naked vestal virgins”? Or is the dance just naked?

    Like my pants.

    moo

  20. NNNnnnnnnnnn-kay. So I was the first to spill the beans about little Timmy’s promotion (under the guise of little Timmy) and I was NOT invited to the party. Whad up wid dat?

    Perhaps it was the “naked” part. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t invited. I have “hair issues”.

  21. My cat has a finicky urinary tract, and believe me you, it’s a pain. See, when he gets his little infection, he decides he can’t be bothered to make the trek to the litter box when he has to go. When he has to go, he has to go. Wherever he is. Unless he’s on tile. Then he’ll be sure to walk over to the nice carpet. Or what was, at one time, a nice carpet. Not so nice anymore.

    I hate to wait until Friday’s help desk feature for a solution to my predicament. Can anyone offer some early advice? What did Steve do the keep Jon from violating the carpets at the ‘Loop?

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