Tevanian Demands To Be Paid In Ones.

While published reports indicate that Avie Tevanian raked in $33 million this year, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the Apple Chief Technologist has demanded he be paid the entire sum in one dollar bills.

Sources close to the man behind what is today known as Mac OS X indicate that he has a preternatural hatred of large denominations.

“Some of it is a convenience issue, said Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “I mean, when you’re in the 7-11 and you’re jonesing for a bag of mini donuts, you don’t want to plop down a Franklin. They probably wouldn’t take it and you’d look like some prissy daddy’s boy from Connecticut.

“Pff. Frickin’ prissy daddy’s boys.”

Johnson paused momentarily, grinding his fist into the palm of his other hand and gritting his teeth.

Grrrrr… There’s only one thing I hate worse than frickin’ prissy daddy’s boys.


There are some indications, however, that Apple may not be able to meet Tevanian’s unusual demand.

“I’m not sure we have that many ones in the western region,” said Joseph Burwell of the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco.

“Hang on a second, let me call Dallas.”

Burwell reached for the phone and dialed the Federal Reserve Bank in Dallas.

“Ted? It’s Joe. Say, can you make change for 1,650,000 twenties? No, no fives. Ones. Just ones. What? Wait, hang on.

“Will he take Susan B. Anthony coins? Dallas has a shitload of Susan B. Anthony coins.”

Tevanian declined to comment for this story, but he and Johnson were later seen shoving some prissy daddy’s boys around outside a local 7-11.

38 thoughts on “Tevanian Demands To Be Paid In Ones.”

  1. Quantity my butt. I just scored first and second spot. Your just jealous. Btw nice story. Quantity over Quality any day. Let it break! I have more!!!!

  2. Ok…


    You guys should write a story about the free snowglobe at Freeverse (Google it, I dont want to get into trouble for advertising). Its hilarious, but ooooooooh… its pretty when u download it.

  3. Moltz, I bet when you were sitting in Algebra 2 in High School you thought:

    I’ll never use math again in real life.

    Well, you just did. Score one for all math teachers.

  4. Moltz,

    What is this word “jonesing”? As One of millions of Welsh and those of Welsh descent, I must protest against your use of this noble and proud name, indeed your given name is a mere Anglicisation of Sion.

    Apologies will be gracefully accepted otherwise you will be the main feature of the Saint David’s Day Parade, stuffed with leeks, cooked and decorated with daffodils and seaweed bread.

  5. I went to Best Buy with a friend of mine one time back in high school, and we bought a new stereo for his car, paying with only $1 bills. Shoulda seen the face on the poor guy who had to count all those damn things out.

  6. Anyone ever gone into a bank and asked for a certain type of change and had the teller be annoyed at the request? I’ve requested, say, a hundred as four twenties, a ten, and ten ones, and the teller was visibly annoyed that she couldn’t just slap five twenties on the counter.

    And it’s not like they don’t have that much cash in their drawers right there; she didn’t even have to get up. I’d think that if you work in a bank, you’d *welcome* a little variety.

  7. With the depression that often sets in aroudn the holidays and/or the winter solstice, I thought I would brighten folks day with this news just in:

    England ended their tour on a high with a six-run win in Rawalpindi following a mid-innings collapse by Pakistan.

    James Anderson took 4-48 and Ian Blackwell three wickets in successive overs as Pakistan lost five wickets for 25 runs and were restricted to 200-9.

    Yasir Hameed (57) and Mohammad Yousuf (54) put on 101 but fell to loose shots, and the rest followed suit.

    Vikram Solanki top scored with 49 in England’s 206-9 – debutant Mohammad Asif taking 2-14 for the home side.

    On a slow pitch that made batsmen work for every run, Andrew Flintoff (39) and Solanki (49) shared a stand of 65 for the fourth wicket and Paul Collingwood made 33 as the innings drew to a close.

    With Flintoff unable to bowl because of a sore ankle, things looked even tougher for the tourists.

    Liam Plunkett was punished for erring too short early on, his first three overs costing 21.

    But the Durham youngster, who hit 24 from 12 balls late in England’s innings, bowled a brilliant final over, allowing just four runs with 11 needed.

    Anderson and Steve Harmison, back from a bout of flu, dismissed Pakistan’s openers early.

    But Yousuf and Hameed were cruising at 122-2 in the 32nd over before the spectacular tumble.

    Hameed was stumped by Geraint Jones after slashing wildly outside off stump, presenting spinner Shaun Udal with his first one-day international wicket since January 1995.

    Younis Khan, stand-in captain with Inzamam-ul-Haq nursing a groin injury, lost his patience on 15 and cut a wide delivery from Blackwell to cover.

    Yousuf, Shoaib Malik and Abdul Razzaq were all caught in the deep, despite the glaring distraction of the floodlights.

    The crowd had clearly had enough at 170-7 when their hero Shahid Afridi was bowled through the gate with a little reverse swing from man of the match Anderson.

    After being asked to bowl first, Pakistan could not only celebrate a good start but also an impressive debut from Asif, who took 2-14 in seven overs.

    Asif moved into the line-up with pacemen Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Sami both rested.

    Despite losing openers Marcus Trescothick and Matt Prior to the young fast bowler, the tourists rebuilt their innings three times, only to lose a crucial wicket each time.

    Andrew Strauss was stumped for 27 after a 57-ball build-up, in spinner Arshad’s second over.

    Solanki’s 18-over partnership with Flintoff was brought to an end when the Worcestershire batsman, one short of a fifty, lofted Afridi to cover.

    Flintoff had only just found his feet when Rana produced some reverse swing to expose his attempted slog.

    Plunkett enjoyed a cameo role with two fours and a six off the last three deliveries from Razzaq.

    And he made another vital contribution at the end of the match with his final over to last-wicket pair Danish Kaneria and Arshad Khan which was filled with low full tosses and allowed just four singles to be taken when nothing less than boundaries would do.

  8. If I were him, I’d take all $33m in Susan B. Anthony and Sacajawea dollars, put it in a big vault, and swim through it Scrooge McDuck style. Or maybe pennies. Or maybe even Canadian pennies.

  9. Aren’t English pence the biggest, heaviest, lowest denomination coins extant?

    I think Scrooge McDuck was into gold.

  10. One dollar bills, and not a single stripper joke yet?

    Or if he takes the 20s, that’s 1,650,000 lap dances. My God! Think of the ramifications!

    Think of them, dammit!

  11. Will Feldhusen asked:

    “Wouldn’t that many bills weigh a lot?”

    Well, according to, a bill weighs 1 gram (I won’t get into the obvious ripoff that a $100 *also* weighs 1 gram). So, $33 million would weigh 33 million grams. That’s like 33K kilo’s! Do you know the street value of 33K kilos?

    Do the math. Hint: it won’t fit in your wallet.


  12. Oddly enough, I can picture this happening. We all know those yahoos at Apple like small things (Ahem . . . the nano) and they carry that over into their paychecks.

  13. Can I just say that I have downloaded Shiira and I love it? Can I just say that it includes all of the things I love from Safari, FireFox and IE for Mac? Can I just say that it adds some new twists that improve on all of those other ones? Can I just say “thank you” to whoever it was that plugged it in the comments a few posts back?


    Oh. Well. Never mind then.

  14. I think there has been a misunderstanding. Avie did not ask to be paid in ones. He asked to be paid in ‘singles’. He obviously meant single women as in white slavery. I wonder how many slave women $33,000,000 would buy? I guess it depends on what quality woman you are trying to purchase. Julia Roberts? 3-4. Reese Witherspoon? 10-15. Jessica Simpson? 33,000,000.

  15. My son, I am disappointed that you seem to have a problem with large denominations. Mine, for instance, is the one and only true church, and if you don’t join, you’ll not be enjoying that money after you die.

    Of course when you die, you can’t take it with you. I know a charity you could give it to. It’s the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence in San Francisco. I know when I visited their convent I had a great time!

    Pop the pope was all they could scream all weekend! I was drunk on love!

    Oh, wait, this is a part of my confession, so this is just between you and me, Avie, right? Guten Nacht!

    Popery du dah.

  16. Somebody told me once that he had a meeting with Avie and had to wade through crumpled-up dollar bills waist-high in his office, but I thought he was just making it up. Go figure..


Comments are closed.