Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have an iBook that I’m trying connect to my big-screen TV to use to play downloaded iTunes videos. I have the cables hooked up, but when I turn the TV on it just says “searching for signal.” What am I doing wrong?
A: You’ll need to have your iBook search for the television as a display. Go into the System Preferences and…
Q: Wait. Wait. Um… is there someone else there who can help me?
A: Someone else? Well, I know the answer…
Q: Oh, I’m sure you do. It’s not that. It’s just… well… you don’t sound like a hot babe.
A: What?
Q: See, I like to get my technical support from hot babes.
A: How would you know it’s a hot babe over the phone?
Q: Well, OK, I can’t know. That’s not the point. The point is I should be able to think you’re a hot babe. And I don’t. Don’t you have any women there?
A: I’m not putting Masako on. That would be demeaning.
Q: I don’t mind if it’s demeaning. As a matter of fact, I kind of like it when…
A: Not to you. To her.
Q: Oh. Well, who else have you got?
A: Um… well… wait. Hang on a second.
Q: OK.
A: …
Q: …
UGLUK: OK. You go to System Preferences and open Display panel.
Q: Um… put that other guy back on.
UGLUK: What? Ugluk not talk sexy enough for perverted Help Desk caller? You want talk to dog?

Q: I just got my Intel Core Duo iMac and I have some questions about getting the most out of this processor.
A: Oh. OK. Well, we don’t actually have one yet but we’ve been reading up on them so shoot.
Q: Well, I understand that the dual core technology allows the processor to sort of simulate the effect of having two processors…
A: Mmm-hmm.
Q: But what I don’t understand is how I can specifically target instructions from different applications to each of the cores in order to load balance.
A: Uh, well, I don’t think you can do that from a user level.
Q: Oh, I guess you’re just not up on the technology. There’s a whole pamphlet that came with the iMac called “So, You Want To Load Balance Applications On Your Intel Core Duo iMac.”
A: What? Really?
Q: OK, well, that’s fine, but I have another question.
A: Uh, OK.
Q: When the phase inhibitor is out of alignment with the Core Duo’s symbiant matrix, how do I lock in the data pattern buffer?
A: What? Wait a minute, you’re just making this up.
Q: No I’m not.
A: Yes, you are. You just took that stuff out of the Starfleet Technical Manual.
Q: I totally did not. It came right out of this other pamphlet that came with my iMac, “So, You Want To Lock In The Data Pattern Buffer On Your Intel Core Duo iMac’s Symbiant Matrix When The Phase Inhibitor Is Out Of Alignment.”
A: You are so totally making this up! You don’t even have an Intel iMac, do you?!
Q: I do so! I’m looking at it right now!
A: I bet you don’t even have an iMac!
Q: You’re just jealous because you can’t use the quantum flux generator capability of the Intel Core Duo iMac like I can!
A: That doesn’t mean anything!
Q: Not to you, because you don’t have an Intel Core Duo iMac!
A: This is not a Help Desk question! You just called to bug me!
Q: That is so like what someone without an Intel Core Duo iMac would say.

Q: Man, what was up with that guy?
A: Oh, man, don’t get me started. We get all kinds of crank jobs here.
Q: Well, I won’t claim to have an Intel Core Duo iMac!
A: Thank god!
Q: Nooo! No, I’ve got a MacBook Pro.
A: Uhhh… say what now?
Q: Not a real one! Ha-ha!
A: Oookay.
Q: No! It’s a replica I made out of cardboard and foam core board and cellophane and a bunch of parts left over from some model airplanes and stuff!
A: I… see! Does it, um, work?
Q: No! Of course not! But it looks boss!
A: Oh! Well… great! Did you… have a question?
Q: Uh… no. I just… thought it was cool and all and, uh, wanted you to know.
A: Oh, well, yeah, no, that’s, that’s totally cool.
Q: Ha-ha! Yeah! It’s boss!
A: Well… I gotta… go…
Q: What? Oh. I thought… I thought maybe we could hang…
A: Uh, no. No, I’ve got a… thing… I’ve got to do…
UGLUK: Me also have thing.
A: Yeah, me and Ugluk have this thing…
Q: Oh.
A: Uh… maybe Chet’s available!
UGLUK: Chet, you want talk to loser who built cardboard MacBook Pro?
CHET: What? No way! Oh, that is so totally boss!
Q: Yeah! Isn’t it boss!
CHET: That is wicked boss! Oh, wow, and you’ve even got the little iSight camera! Is that a Jujube?
A: Let’s go.
UGLUK: Me right behind you.