Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today… Steve!

Q: I have a G5 iMac and an iSight camera. But that’s not really important now. What I want to know is, other than the reality distortion field, does Steve Jobs have any super-powers?
A: Uh, well, according to some, years of veganism have given him the colon of an Adonis.
Q: Oh. OK. That’s nice and all, but it’s not exactly like shooting lasers out of your eyes.
A: Well, if you’re a Brussels sprout passing through Jobs’ colon, it’s six of one, half a dozen of the other, isn’t it?
Q: What?! How did you know I was a Brussels sprout?!
A: It’s the Flemish accent.
Q: Stront! [click]
A: Heh-heh. Stupid teeny cabbage.

Q: Wait, I happen to know for a fact that Steve Jobs can crush freight trains with his bare hands like they were aluminum cans.
A: I don’t think that’s true. But I have heard that he can pull live humans apart like cardboard tubes.
Q: Well, any stage hand at Macworld will tell you that. But what I’m more interested in is his ability to manipulate the forces of magnetism with his mind.
A: That’s nothing compared to his steel claws, razor-like fangs, hyper-senses and berserker rages. That’s really how he got on the board of Disney.
Q: He killed someone?
A: A couple people. I mean… have you seen Eisner recently?
Q: Hmmm… come to think of it, I haven’t
A: Anyway, rest assured that Steve is everywhere and… anywhere!
Q: Oh, man, Steve is so boss!
A: Yes. Yes, he is.

Q: So, wait, is Steve with me right now?
A: Steve is watching any time you use your Mac. Except when you’re surfing porn.
Q: Oh. Well… that’s…
A: Pretty much all the time?
Q: Uh… do celebrity nipple slips count as porn?
A: Um… yes.
Q: Then yes. Pretty much all the time.
A: Then… you do not walk with Steve.
Q: Oh. OK. Well… I guess that’s the price I pay for celebrity nipple slips.
A: I guess so.
Q: I’m good with that.