After published reports of problems with Intel-based Macs, Apple was forced to concede today that the entire switch has been an abject failure.
“Clearly because of these issues, the switch to Intel has been an unmitigated disaster,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs.
“We advise customers who have purchase an Intel-based Mac to stampede in an unorderly fashion to the nearest Apple Store – waving their hands over their heads and screaming at the top of their lungs – to get a PowerPC-based Mac.
“If you must step on the backs of elderly people who have fallen down in front of you,” Jobs continued, “please do not hesitate to do so. The stability of your computing experience should not be held hostage by the old or infirm.”
There has been some speculation that Apple would further ask users to switch back to OS 9 in order to insure that they do not suffer from either the recently released Oompa-Loompa Trojan or the Safari shell script execution exploit.
While not necessarily representative of the views of Apple Computer as a company, some advocated going even further.
“Your best bet is an SE/30 running System 6.0.8,” said Peter Mehring, head of Apple hardware engineering. “That’s a rock-solid computing environment. The SE/30… now that was a machine. That’s what I use.
“People these days go on and on about ‘protected memory’ and ‘multitasking’ and… um… ‘hot swappable drive bays’… which sounds vaguely dirty to me. ‘Hot swappable.’ Disgusting.
“Really, we should have stopped making computers in 1989. That’s why I, personally, haven’t done a serious day’s work since then.”
Apple is feverishly trying to find a vendor to crank out PowerPC chips and reportedly has settled on a couple of guys living in rural Michigan who own a metal press.