Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a Mac mini with a SuperDrive and I want to be able to copy DVDs that I rent at the store so I can have them around… um… for the kiddies. I know it can be done, but I tried to ask how to do this on Apple’s support boards and all I got was a long ride on the waaaaaaambulance about how it’s illegal or something. Some crap like that. Stupid crap. So, how do I copy DVDs?
A: Copying DVDs is illegal and Crazy Apple Rumors Site and its parent company Giant Squid Productions do not condone, sanction or participate in the practice.
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A: …
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A: We do however offer a pamphlet entitled “How To Copy DVDs – Or ‘How I Stopped Worrying About DRM And Learned To Love Sticking It To The Man.'”
Q: I’ll take ten.

Q: I recently bought a Mac mini and a video iPod…
A: Not a true video iPod. That won’t be out until…
Q: Stop it.
A: Sorry. Rumor writer tick.
Q: Anyway, when I went to load up iTunes and rip some songs, I actually read the EULA and… well… I don’t know, maybe everyone else knows this but me, but is Steve Jobs really allowed to come into my house while I’m asleep and suck vital fluids from my brain using a fleshy proboscis that he normally keeps retracted inside his cheek?
A: Oh, sure. That’s standard. Well… standard taking into account Steve’s particular genetic mutation. But you should read the EULA for the Windows version of Microsoft Office. There’s some scary shit in there. Human sacrifice kinda scary.
Q: Well, I know. That’s was why I decided to switch to the Mac. Hmm. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try Linux.
A: Ha! Go ahead! Enjoy your quarterly game of nude Twister with Linus Torvalds!
Q: You’re making that up.
A: Am not! Section 14.3 of the GNU GPL!
Q: The hell?! What is with this industry?!

Q: I’m working on an aging G3 PowerBook running OS 9. I know, I know, it’s high past time that I make the move to OS X and I fully intend to do that. My problem right now, though, is do I go to a PowerPC-based Mac laptop or an Intel-based one?
A: First you’re going to want to catalog your applications and determine a cost for replacing each and whether or not Universal Binaries are available. Then you’re going to want to assign a weighting for each application’s value to you. If you have crucial applications that are not available as Universal Binaries and aren’t likely to be available before the sun explodes – cough, Photoshop, cough – you’re more likely to want a G4-based iBook or PowerBook. But buying a G4-based laptop means you’ll be facing another migration down the road. You can perform a cost/benefit analysis using the time value of money approach to figure out which is the most optimal solution for you.
Q: Huh. Jeez, it sounds kind of complicated.
A: Well, yes, it is.
Q: You know, on second thought, I think it’s easier to just sit here and continue to drink.
A: Well… OS 9’s not that bad.
Q: Not after a couple of martinis.