Apple Performance Completely Dependent On Wall Street Jargon.

Stunning news today as a report by MarketWatch reveals that Apple’s viability hinges entirely on “a long-term bearish technical pattern.” Rumor sites were struggling to defend their relevance as the reporters of upcoming Apple products – things that people might actually wish to exchange currency for in future Apple fiscal cycles – as that information is clearly useless.

According to MarketWatch, what’s important when considering investing in Apple is not the particulars of the company – its management, its expectations for upcoming quarters, even its P/E ratio – it’s what the current groupthink is.

The bear counterattack totally engulfed the bulls’ attack; hence the name “bearish engulfing.” This is a sign that bears were able to withstand the best that bulls had to offer and came back even stronger.

Asked to interpret, the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg was at a loss.

“I don’t know what this means, really,” Mossberg admitted. “I think there are these guys who think they’re bears and these other guys who think they’re bulls and, apparently, there are more bear guys than bull guys. Or something. And somehow because of that you shouldn’t buy Apple.”

Other analysts confirmed that, while it’s not currently recommended to buy Apple stock – nor have they ever admitted that it is – it’s not really Apple’s fault.

“Apple’s not a bad company,” said Daniel Niles of Lehman Brothers. “It’s just mathematically challenged. I mean, look at the mathematical technicals.”

According to MarketWatch,

Mathematical technicals, which are derived via calculation of data over a specified time period, help investors gauge the momentum of a stock’s move by measuring its current performance to that of its recent past.

Niles fell silent, however, when asked to explain how “mathematical technicals” were any different than attempting to pick tomorrow’s Lotto numbers based on the numbers that have appeared over the past few days.

“It just is, OK?”