Apple's Retail Success Due To Ether.

[Moltz is, as usual, high on his own ego as well as prodigious servings of Vermont maple syrup candy. My sources are impeccable. Go ahead. Try to peck them. You can’t. Im-peccable. He’s just mad because I broke his talking Lost In Space original series B-9 robot 1/6 scale replica.

Which, admittedly, I shouldn’t have done. But that’s no reason to go off on Gordy like that.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of certain chemicals on the human brain.

An environmental survey of various retail chains across the nation revealed that the air in Apple Stores contains unusally high concentrations of ether.

“We experimented with different music, different lighting,” said a remarkably frank Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “But ultimately we found that pumping the room full of ether increased sales the most.

“It also increased repeat traffic as people kept coming back into the store, even though they didn’t know why. Or, often, even remember they had been in there before.”

Indeed, according to one anecdote, a curious Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer wandered into the Bellevue Square Apple Store, bought four Mac minis, eight iPods and a Power Mac G5. The next day he woke up drooling and sweaty in a dumpster in Kirkland.

That, of course, was just part of Ballmer’s ordinary Friday night routine and unrelated to the inhalation of the ether.

Apple does credit the strategy with increasing its switcher sales.

Coming to outside the Chandler Fashion Center Apple Store, sudden Apple customer Bill Blanchette, his arms laden with white Apple shopping bags, groggily asked “Unnnhh… What happened? What did I buy?

Oddly, Apple’s stock was up on the news of its ether retail strategy.

[Don’t forget to scroll down to Moltz’s utterly, utterly false and wrong interpretation.]