Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, more bitching and moaning about Apple!

Q: Man, Apple is so lame! They don’t use open standards! I want my documents, photos and spreadsheets to be useable on any platform ten years form now. I mean, who knows how long Apple’s going to be around or how long I’m going to want to hitch myself to Steve Jobs’ whims?
A: Oh. So, you must use Linux and open-source applications.
Q: What? No. Have you seen that crap? It’s practically unusable. Fricking tabs and buttons all over the place.
A: Uh, well, please tell me you don’t use Windows.
Q: No, no, no. No, I use a moleskine for my word processing, I get my pictures printed at this hour photo place – they do good work – and I have a big… green… ledger.
A: Uhhh… huh.
Q: Oh, yeah, laugh now, but you’ll be laughing out the other side of your mouth when Apple says you’ve gotta bark like a dog to get your data!
A: …
Q: …
A: Woof! Woof! Woof-woof!
Q: Oh, shut up.

Q: I’ve really had it with Apple. I just bought a Power Mac and I’m terribly disappointed. I expected more from a company with a reputation for quality products.
A: Well, it’s all relative, I guess. Apple does have a higher customer satisfaction rating than any other computer company.
Q: That may be, but they’ve totally lost mine. I mean, this keyboard is horrible! You practically have to pound the keys and then they stick.
A: Oh. That doesn’t sound good.
Q: It’s not! And don’t even get me started on this hockey puck mouse!
A: Hockey puck mouse? What did you just buy?
Q: A G4 400. Sawtooth? Yikes? One of those. Got it off eBay.
A: … And you’re complaining about Apple’s quality control.
Q: Well… yeah. They did make it.
A: I see. You know, I hear those Mac Portables were pieces of crap, too.
Q: Really? Man, what is wrong with them?!

Q: Apple has just completely pissed me off.
A: Oh? Well, what is it this time? iPod battery not working anymore? MacBook Pro not cooking your grilled cheese sandwiches to perfection anymore? Phil Schiller not returning your personal phone calls?
Q: No. No. Nooooo.
A: OK, then what is it?
Q: Um… is it still a grilled cheese if it has tomato in it?
A: Yes.
Q: Oh. Then never mind.