Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: My iMac recently had a hard drive crash and I’ve been trying to get my data back. I went to the Apple Store the other day to talk to the Genius and I got all this grief for not backing up. I’m trying to solve my existing problem and he’s all gettin’ up in my grill and…
A: Oh, no, no, no. Dude. Dude. No one says “gettin’ up in my grill” anymore.
Q: What? Oh. Really? I thought that was phat phresh.
A: No. And neither is that.
Q: Oh. OK, then, Hammertime, what are people saying when someone gets in their face?
A: “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush.”
Q: What?
A: “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”
Q: You’ve gotta be kidding.
A: No. See, when you’re at the Apple Store and the Genius is riding you for not backing up, you wait until he walks off and you turn to the customer next to you, roll your eyes and say – really loudly – “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”
A: Even if it’s a dude?
A: Oh, especially if it’s a dude.
Q: Well… I’m not saying that.
A: Or, if he’s standing right in front of you, you yell as loudly as you can, “BITCH! You think you can use my toothbrush?!”
Q: That doesn’t mean anything!
A: Look, I don’t make these up. I’m just telling you that this is what the kids are saying.
Q: The kids on crack maybe.
A: Oh, dude, the kids aren’t doing crack anymore. They’re all freebasing Strontium 38.
Q: …
A: …
Q: Do you have any idea what you’re talking about?
A: Dude, don’t come whining to me because the kids are all calling you Chester because you’re not freebasing Strontium 38 and yelling “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”

Q: I have an Intel Core Solo Mac mini that I’m trying to get Windows XP running on. I’ve successfully formatted it for dual-boot with Boot Camp, but I’m having trouble configuring the Windows drivers for my Dell monitor. The system gets hung up when…
A: Whoa, whoa, whoa, there cowboy. We don’t do Windows here.
Q: What? But this is a Mac mini.
A: Well, yeah, but your conflict is between Windows XP and your Dell monitor.
Q: But it’s on a Mac mini.
A: But that’s like having your car break down on a bridge and calling a construction engineer instead of a tow truck.
Q: W-what? No, my problem is on a Mac! A Mac mini! Not a bridge!
A: That… that was an analogy.
Q: Are you going to fix my Mac mini or not?!
A: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your mini.
Q: But my monitor doesn’t work! It hangs the system!
A: Is there someone else I could talk to there?
Q: Uh, well my dog is here.
A: Put him on.
Q: Rarf?
A: What the hell is the matter with him?!
Q: Rarf-rarf!
A: I know! How do you stand it?!
Q: Rafr-rarf! Rrow-row-row-row-row!
A: I dunno man. Have you thought about just running away?

Q: Well, surely you’ll take Ubuntu questions.
A: Ubuntu?! Of course! Ubuntu!
Q: OK. Well, I recently converted to Ubuntu from OS X and installed it on my Intel-based iMac.
A: Of course you did! Ubuntu!
Q: Uh… yeah. Well, anyway, I’ve been having some problems getting sleep to activate. I think there are some settings I can alter to specifically tell Ubuntu what…
A: Ha-ha! Ubuntu!
Q: Uh… well, see, I’m having some trouble…
A: Ah, but is it not always such between men and the operating system they love?! The operating system known as Ubuntu?!
Q: … got this configuration issue…
A: Oooh! Ubuntu is harsh mistress, is she not?! At once terrible and lovely! All worship her!
Q: Um… do you have any experience with Ubuntu at all?
A: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Ahhhhh…. uh… no. Not in the least.
Q: Yeah. I was starting to get that.
A: I just think it’s really fun to say. Ubuntu!