CARS' WWDC Predictions.

With Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference barreling down on us like a tour bus full of booze and hookers – which, I understand, pretty much describes the evening program – it’s time for RUMOR ROUNDUP!


Let’s bring in the rumor dawgies!

In a long-overdue move, Apple will phase out the brushed metal theme and will introduce a new “cheesecake” theme. Sources indicate that menu bars will be a crunchy graham-cracker crust and the window beneath will be a smooth cream cheese.

Either that or its someone’s birthday at Apple and they’re getting an OS X-themed cake.

The sources were kind of far away and had binoculars with a really narrow field of view.

It is without doubt, however, that the company will reveal its plans for movie rental downloads from the ever increasingly misnomered iTunes Music Store. Why the company would choose a conference for developers for such an announcement is not entirely sure, but if rumors of discounted downloads of portions of the Girls Gone Wild series hosted by Snoop Dogg are true, that would explain a lot.

Programmers love Snoop Dogg.

OK, and cheap 20-year-old floozies who are willing to bare their breasts for a string of beads.

But who doesn’t like that? Other than some neglectful middle-aged daddies, I mean.

I’m sure Apple developers would really love it if the girls would lift their tops for a linked list.

Frickin’ dorks.

Finally, it is a near certainty that Apple will release some developer-related feature – possibly a Cocoa class called NSWindowToolkitMenuBarWithRetsin or something – that will be basically incomprehensible to you, the non-attendee. Somehow, however, you will find yourself discussing its implications with your Mac-using friends and opining on how it will be a boon to developers, even though it took you four hours to write an Automator script that empties the trash.

Well, those are all the rumors that we have near-confirmed or partially confirmed or somewhere near the intersection of Confirmed and Bullshit.

Well, those and the new Mac Pros.

But you don’t want to hear about that.