CARS Announces the Tim Cook Project.

Sadly, it has come to our attention that if Steve Jobs were traveling northbound on de Anza Blvd riding on the back of Steve Wozniak’s dorky-assed Segway at 5 MPH and a semi truck filled with sheet metal, broken glass and rabid raccoons was traveling southbound on de Anza Blvd at 175 MPH, and the two collided, Jobs would probably be killed.

And, I guess, so would Wozniak.

Which, I guess, would be sad and all.

But, whatever, let’s get back to Jobs.

Steve Jobs is perhaps the most valuable asset Apple has. More valuable than the Mac, more valuable than the iPod and more valuable than the alien technology the company stole from Xerox in 1978.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has seen the writing on the wall. A little less than a year ago, Tim Cook was promoted to Chief Operating Office in a move that many saw has positioning him to take over should Jobs be forced to step down, disappear mysteriously or just go all King George.

Or, for that matter, go all Boy George. Nobody wants to see that either.

With Cook standing in the wings, it is up to us as Apple fanatics to make sure that he is successful should the need arise for him to ascend to the Apple throne. He will face withering media criticism for the singular flaw of not being Steve Jobs. We need to have his back.

As the site largely responsible for developing the cult of Phil Schiller, Crazy Apple Rumors Site is taking it upon itself to lead the charge to “sex up” Tim Cook.

We know we can count on your full support in this endeavor.

Now, let’s take a look at what we’ve got to work with.

Oh, for…

Oh, come on!

What is that?


OK, Ugluk, put another pot of coffee on. This is gonna be a long night.

If you’ve got suggestions for sexing up Tim Cook, please post them in the comments.

I mean…

C’mon! We’re not miracle workers!